just say it...

you can have me all to yourself...

just say it...

ill gladly drop everything...

just say it...

i just dont want to alone no more...

just say it...

quotes...

"If pain must come, may it come quickly.

Because I have a life to live, and I need to live it in the best way possible.

If he has to make a choice, may he make it now.

Then I will either wait for him or forget him.

Waiting is painful.

Forgetting is painful.

But not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering."

- Paulo Coelho

-----

i held on too long...

i suffered the most...

in the end...

i was the loser..

how things turn outnthat

id like to think that im one of the good guys...

the one whos worth someones time...

i try to be that guy really...

but my heart cant lie...

ive found my soulmate...

but fate has dealt me a different card...

and im dealing with things the way i know how...

just to fill that void...

the emptiness...

i know its a temporary fix...

but i try to get by with what i get...

even if its not what my heart wants...

it saddens me to think...

that ive become what ive hated before...

but i understand why people get into it...

id like to be better than that...

hope it changes soon...

...

...

statement signs...

'nuff said...

so far so good...

i havent been blogging lately...

as much as i would want to...

im just tooooo exhausted to open up a new entry...

id rather curl up and watch tv...

and eat...

damn, ive been eating like crazy almost every weekend...

this alarms me...

anyway, october has been a good vibe month for me...

i started work last oct 5... and strangely enough... the doubt has passed...

though theres a new issue...

im sure that after a couple of days (eep... weeks), everything will be ayt...

im slowly starting to like where im at...

i just hope that it doesnt go awry...

because for once, i like the people... i like the job... i even like my boss...

so im hoping that everything will turn out for the good...

besides having a new job...

october marks the 27th year of my life...

last october 24 me and a couple of friends celebrated my bday...

along with another friend whose bday was a week before...

we had brunch/carboloading at salcedo park...

the food was delicious...

being home made and everything, it was soooo delicious...

the only qualm about that place is that there are no 'good' seats...

literally...

despite warning that i should rest for the race the day after...

i still went ahead with my plan... and hmmm... did something..

totally not me...

lets just * wink * at this one... hehe

but im sure glad that i did...

and ill be doing it more often than not... * lol *

so come the 25th... race day...

this was my first 21k ever...

and im scared shitless...

good thing, i was able to relax the day before...

the call time was at 5am... slept at 12am up by 2am and race ready by 430am...

yeah, i was that excited...

race time... i started exactly at 530am...

there was a feeling of tension and fear...

the thought, what if i couldnt finish this race...

and i was scared to see that that happen...

i set my mind forward to 9am... thinking of what could happen after...

and it worked...

the route was familiar, with a few kilometers of new route...

but all in all i enjoyed it...

my goal was to finish it and not compete with everyone else...

each step i took was tiring...

but it was also fulfilling...

and the adrenalin just pumped me out more...

a good 2hrs and 12mins later... i was done...

i finished it...

the sweat and exhaustion was completely obliterated at the sight of the finish line...

i was proud of myself for finishing 21k...

after the run, i was fast forward thinking to nov 15's run - Timex...

definitely running 21k again...

=) *woot woot*

life couldnt be great right now...

well it could be greater... and id appreciate another push...

so far so good...

october 2009 has been the best so far...

and i wouldnt have it any other way else...

...

* cheers *

first week...

so its been a week since ive started in my new job...

frankly...

ive been having doubts...

stupid to have doubts about it when ive already signed the contract...

i dont know really...

theres a lot of mixed emotions in me...

at one side, im happy to be back in the 'work' force...

excited to learn new things...

excited for all the possibilities...

but then theres the other side...

i feel sad for putting my 'dreams' on the backseat again...

i feel sad for the possibility that never came to realization...

i feel sad for going against what ive been preaching for the past 7 mos...

hmmm...

maybe thats it...

its the real reason why theres so much conflict going on around me...

im disappointed for subjecting myself to something that i dont love...

im disappointed for putting my dreams aside because of the circumstance, bad timing and lack of resource...

im disappointed for allowing OTHER people to take control of my dreams leaving me powerless to steer my future...

dreams dont wait...

they run fleeting from dreamers...

its up to the dreamers to take hold of their destiny...

i BABBLE all about these stuff...

and yet i find myself 'stuck' in a position where i feel i shouldnt be...

i am a sell-out...

a turn-coat to my own principles...

---

so its been a week since ive started in my new job...

its also been more than week since ive been crying...

im crying because im back to being normal...

average...

i know im more than that...

i wont settle to be just average...

im here to do more...

im here to be someone...

---

if it will take me 10 or more jobs to get to that 'goal'...

if sacrifices are needed to reach that dream, then sacrifice i shall...

what i just worry is time...

a life-time is not enough to live life...

theres so much room for mistakes...

theres so much room to learn...

theres so much room for regrets...

theres so much room for everything...

---

i think ive made a big mistake...

and i think i have to correct this ASAP...

life wont wait for me...

i have to catch up...

i seriously have to...

* sigh *

wandering thoughts

wandering thoughts...

- "Oo, mahal kita... as if you didnt know..."

- some people fall in love, i had to crash into it...

- coz im hopeful, yes i am, hopeful for today

- 21 on 25 for 27

- 05Oct09 officially ends my 7mos vacation, back to the workforce, im officially a corporate slut-hoe... * lol *... keeping the positive vibes...

* sigh *

these are the thoughts that fly above my head...

damn...

shoulder...

i find it weird...

how people find me as a shoulder to cry on...

an ear to listen to...

a confidant of secrets...

when it counts the most, i can actually keep a secret you know...

but the thing is, i find it all weird...

especially when its all about 'love'...

advices i give are usually home runs...

and hit big with the one asking for it...

how ive come to this is really strange...

considering that im single and loveless...

hmmmm...

in a pathetic attempt to answer my own question...

i guess im feeding off the experiences of others...

im feeding off from everything ive come across...

* sigh *

i still find it weird...

* wonders *

Sa `yo

South Border

ilang ulit kong sasabihin
bigyan mo ng pansin ang puso ko
di mo ba 'to nakikita
masdan mo na,nagmamakaawa

[Chorus:]
ikaw na nga ang hinahanap-hanap
lang ng puso't damdamin
kailan ka magiging akin

ilang ulit kong sasabihin
dinggin mo ang sigaw ng puso ko
kahit konting pagmamahal
araw-araw kong ipinagdarasal

[Chorus:]
ikaw na nga ang hinahanap-hanap
lang ng puso't damdamin
kailan ka magiging akin

[Bridge:]
dapat ko bang isipin
na ika'y di magiging akin
paano na ang puso ko
umiiyak para sa iyo

[Chorus:]
ikaw na nga ang hinahanap-hanap
lang ng puso't damdamin
kailan ka magiging akin

---

i said i stopped chasing dreams...

i guess there still a little bit of hope...

a few more bumps...

a few more bruises...

a little more bravery...

and ill soon tell you how ive been feeling for you

these past two years...

another truth...

so heres the truth...

about me and my behavior lately...

it bothers me that i sort of 'jump' from one seemingly anonymous
guy to another...

i dont sleep with them per se...

i aint promiscuous...

what gets me is that i seem to lose interest in guys i meet quickly...

i should have a 'shirt' that says short-attention-span...

for me, a guy should do alot to keep me interested...

that or the guy has to meet a certain standard to do so...

ok i guess i have to admit...

im high-maintenance...

id like to be treated well...

id like to be chased...

yeah im honest like shit...

so go figure...

when a guy doesnt do that much to keep me interested...

then i know that i dont fit their standard...

it goes both ways...

* sigh *

theres just one guy...

who im interested with...

without him doing anything...

all he needs is to be there...

to be ever present...

any guy has big big shoes to fill...

its hard to make me interested...

but i fall easy...

and when i fall, i fall hard...

...

guess what im trying to say is...

it takes alot to keep me interested...

and having high-standards doesnt really help the matter...

know this, that i fall easy and i fall hard...

* sigh *

brain fart...

URBANITYph...

URBANITYph...

soon online...

mark your calendars...

09-30-09

changing...

its weird how i find myself changing...

im not the MAN i used to know...

lately its as if Im turning into this guy that I totally hate...

contrary to what someone thinks of me...

i am not promiscuous...

i do not break hearts...

i make deep bonds...

i cant promise the sun and stars to the guys i meet...

what i can promise is that...

i will be worth everything...

despite my flaws and all...

daemon is changing...

daemon is changing to a better person...

---

* sings *

you aint seen the best of me yet...

give me time ill make you forget the rest...

* sings *

the week that was...

the past few days have been strangely good...

my life is seemingly going to be more colorful from today...

---

my friday was totally amazing...

felt like i was on top of the world...

i hope everything works out...

my saturday was extremely amazing...

from a botched up interview that totally failed...

do i have to reiterate that IM NOT FOR IT... * lols *

to a quick but powerful and effective 1 1/2 hour workout...

to intimate and fun-filled dinner with my barkada...

to which pics will be up very very very very soon...

getting wasted on my first time in bed malate after 3mos...

it wassssssssssss soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo fun...

not to mention the fact...

that...

i met someone...

we'll see where this one goes... =)

all in all....

this week was crazy amazing...

next weekend is marathon week...

have to start training for my new 15k route...

hell yeah!!!

=)

i wonder..

i wonder why it is...

when i decide to move forward...

have a optimistic view about my situation...

heavy rain pours on it...

and it seems that the logical option from here...

is to move a couple of steps backward...

* sigh *

the new sat...

today is my new sat...

today, i didnt go to the gym...

i pigged out on mcdonalds and ate chips...

so...

today is officially my cheat day...

today is my new sat...

fuck it...

i now feel sooooo bloated... =(

that guy

As another sets on...

I cant help but wonder...

When it will be my turn...

Ive had enough being the perennial best-friend...

The go-to-guy...

For once Id just like to be THAT guy to someone...

THAT guy who makes HIM smile...

THAT guy who completes HIM...

---

I know I should not declare this...

But I AM READY...

READY as Ive ever been...

Ive so much LOVE to give, and yet I have no HIM to share it with...

...

I want to be THAT GUY...

I want to be THAT GUY in YOUR LIFE...

Is all of these too much to ask?

why the drama?

what if after you and a guy have had a connection...

and so much fun...

just to get this kind of message the evening after....

"honestly, that is the first and last time you would be seeing me
i know i shouldn't have meet with you in the first place cuz' im
gonna be flying to korea by tuesday to study medicine
just, treat me as a guy you had sex with
i never knew you'd be so attached, i had fun
i hope to see you again one day
im very sorry
sounds like a piece of crap, but i wont care if you do believe or not
goodluck ^_^,
this is my last message to ya"

---

my jaw dropped...

and a tear fell from my eye....

i had a feeling that it was too good to be true...

at the same time, i was angry...

for allowing myself to be vulnerable...

im always like this...

i dont know if i can trust people again...

i dont know if i can believe in hope again...

people always leave

people always leave...

somehow, this is applicable in my life...

i dont know whats wrong with me...

or if theres anything wrong with me...

tricked

life is really playing with me...

great...

thanks...

today, a cruel trick has been played on me...

sobrang sakit...

its not with the person per se...

its more of how fate played a cruel joke on me...

great...

great talaga...

its another blow...

literally...

Silent Sanctuary - Hiling

Minsan di ko maiwasang isipan ka
Lalo na sa t'wing nag iisa
Ano na kaya balita sayo
Naiisip mo rin kaya ako

Simula nang ikaw ay mawala
Wala nang dahilan para lumuha
Damdamin pilit ko nang tinatago
Hinahanap ka parin ng aking puso
Parang kulang nga kapag ika'y wala

(Chorus)
At ihiling sa mga bituin
Na minsan pa sana ako'y iyong mahalin
Ihiling kahit dumilim
Ang aking daan na tatahakin
Patungo...

Ala ala mong tinangay na ng hangin
Sa langit ko na lamang ba yayakapin
Nasan kana kaya, aasa ba sa wala

(Chorus)
At ihiling sa mga bituin
Na minsan pa sana ako'y iyong mahalin
Ihiling kahit dumilim
Ang aking daan na tatahakin
Patungo sa iyo, patungo sa iyo

Bridge: (bridge ba tawag d2? hehe ewan)
Ipipikit ko ang aking mata dahil
Nais ka lamang mahagkan
Nais ko lamang masilalayan
Kahit alam kong tapos na
Kahit alam kong wala ka na...

(Chorus)
At Hihiling sa mga bituin
Na minsan pa sana ako'y iyong mahalin
Hihiling kahit dumilim
Ang aking daan na tatahakin
Patungo sa iyo, patungo sa iyo

------------------------

contrary to what many believe...
im not obsessed with "HIM"...
if you know what LOVE is...
then you'd understand...

with "HIM" all logic is thrown away...

forgotten

ive been exceptionally happy for the past two days...

today its but at all different...

today, i went on a good 30 minute run around Makati...

getting back to the gym, and checking my phone...

0 messages received...

so i proceeded with my workout...

a good 30mins after, i checked my phone again...

still 0 messages received...

i must have probably done that repeatedly for the next 3 hours...

as i was fixing up...

my phone vibrated...

it was a message from my dad, looking for me...

"great", i sarcastically said...

got home, had dinner and fixed up...

still no messages...

even up to now, my phone remains lifeless...

---

if i would count the number of messages i get in a day...

i would roughly place it somewhere along the ff...

- 2 to 6 messages from globe
- 2 to 5 quotes from friends
- 2 messages from dad looking for me
- 10 to 20 messages from friends about casual conversation...

right now, this is where i count the most damage...

- 0 messages from possible dates...
- 0 messages from a non-existent boyfriend...
- 0 messages from people about inviting me out...

this post is so shallow...

but it points where my priorities are...

it points what im thinking about the most...

even with the multitude of REAL friends i have...

i feel sooooooooooooooooooooo lonely...

i feel sooooooooooooooooooooo forgotten...

i feel sooooooooooooooooooooo taken for granted...

its always been like that...

i just havent grown accustomed to it...

im waiting for numbness to set in...

---

it frightens me actually that i become jealous and angry about seeing/hearing
couples...

ive always been hopeful...

but lately...

i think life has forgotten me...

---

so this is what it feels like...

to be sooo alone...

helpless...

and forgotten...

---

good god, im such a schizo...

this is being bi-polar to you...

and i really really hate it...

=(

follow up...

it was unexpected...

but it was most welcome...

thats two nights in a row...

that youve made my day...

thank you so much...

this is the reason why u make

forgetting you so difficult...

i hate it...

and yet i love how you make me feel...

true calling

today i can say, ive rested on my passion...

and no amount of money can make me go back
to what i was doing before...

this is freedom baby...

tough love actually...

but freedom is way way sweet...

i am privileged to be one of the minority...

the few who have found their passion...

this is it...

now if only passion pays in cash...

life would be all great =)

on purpose

so today i had an interview...

for the position of java consultant for a small IT firm in ortigas...

guess what...

i purposely fucked it all up...

and i don't feel guilty about it...

in fact, i feel so empowered...

and free...

dude...

i tell you...

somethings definitely wrong with me...

* toinks *

happiness

happiness comes in the most unexpected ways...

and i have to say, thanks for making me happy today...

that hour and a half spent was well more than a day for me...

i wished that it wouldnt end...

but all the same, thank you...

also, that email was the perfect icing on the cake...

its slowly paying off...

thats one door open...

keep the blessings pouring in...

tonight...

i know tonight should not bother me...

but it does...

there is a pinch in my heart...

envy flows once again through my veins...

when will i feel that tight hug...

that sweet sincere kiss...

i am not in love with the idea of love...

i may appear like it...

i dont know really...

i just want someone to want me...

someone who i find matches me in all possible ways...

tonight bothers me because out of everyone i know...

i remain single and dateless...

yes it bothers me to be alone...

to feel sooo unwanted...

despite having loads and loads of real friends...

there is that feeling of being alone...

tonight should not bother me at all...

but it does...

it really really does...

* sniff *

designbyhumans entry 2 votation

Hey guys, my second entry is now up for votation
on DesignByHumans/DBH (www.designbyhumans.com)...

Id appreciate it much if you guys could join DBH and
click my link below to vote for my design...

http://www.designbyhumans.com/vote/detail/61705

thanks =)

designbyhumans entry 1 votation

Urban B-Boy (DBH Entry # 01)













Hey guys, I just entered my first
shirt design on DesignByHumans
/DBH (www.designbyhumans.com)...

Id appreciate it much if you guys could join DBH and
click my link below to vote for my design...
http://www.designbyhumans.com/vote/detail/61570

thanks =)

Kennys Open'09 Urbanite Run Race Results

its official...

i logged in 15k for less than 01:32:00...

hell yeah...

holla!

broken

i find myself holding on to the what-ifs..

i blame you...

why are you so hard to forget...

why are you so hard to unlove...

i blame myself...

for not being able to move forward...

for not being able to let go...

...

...

i find myself once again...

needing to be fixed...

then again, i guess i was broken all this time...

and no one just cared enough to fix me...

i wish you could...

...

...

Kennys Open'09 Urbanite Run

Despite the pain...

I pushed on...

I was determined to finish my first 15k...

I did...

Logged in at 01:32:00...

Not bad...

=)

Now, I have all the right in the world to brag... lol...

Nah, now I have all the right in the world to eat heartily til Sunday...

Skip my cardio workout for awhile...

And just relax...

=)

Tonight was AMAZING...

daemon villamil test site... =)

hey guys...

the test site for my online portfolio is up...

please click daemonvillamil

would appreciate feedback on what you think about it...

thanks much... =)

NOTE: works best on Mozilla FireFox... (still working out the kinks in IE)

in technicolor...

weird how i go from one emotion to another in split seconds...

well not really seconds - days actually...

starting off rough...

dazed, confused and worried...

i find myself strangely calm...

inspired, cool and collected...

so tonight, as i bond with the four pillows in my bed...

i will conjure up dreams in technicolor...

a tribute to corazon aquino...

I figured much that I owe every bit of my freedom to Cory Aquino.
So here is my tribute to a woman who has given inspiration to so many...

Cory Aquino, I salute you...

Corazon Aquino
January 25, 1933 - August 1, 2009

Live on now in the arms of our Father.

You're only a papercut...

To the one that makes me smile...

and the one that keeps on breaking my heart...

though I wish I expressed the same sentiments as the song...

Papercut
Jordin Sparks (Battlefield)

I'm okay, i'm okay
Don't keep asking me i might disintegrate
What do you want? I've moved on
Everything is going well, at least that's what i tell myself
I wish i was the Tinman so i wouldn't have a heart to break.

I'm okay, i'll survive.
I only think about you half the time
All these tears, all these drops in the ocean baby
You barley even cross my mind no, no
And it doesn't hurt that much
It was only a paper cut
It's only a paper cut, a paper cut... yeah

I forget that it's there
You keep calling and calling, you don't care
How it burns, how it stings
Just cause you can't see it bleed
Doesn't mean it don't go deep
I wish i was the Tinman so i wouldn't have a heart to break.

I'm okay, i'll survive.
I only think about you half the time
All these tears, all these drops in the ocean baby
You barley even cross my mind no, no
And it doesn't hurt that much
It was only a paper cut
It's only a paper cut, a paper cut

The more i give, the less i get
Sometimes i wish that we've never met
Cause i was fine 'til you broke through
But don't worry baby i'll get over you...
By tomorrow or the next day, or they next day, or the next day

I'm okay, i'll be fine.
I only think about you half the time
Yeahhh, yeah, yeahahhhhhh, yeahhh

I'm okay, i'll survive.
I only think about you half the time
All these tears, all these drops in the ocean baby
You barley even cross my mind no, no
Boy you wish it hurt that much
It was only a paper cut
It's only a paper cut, a paper cut

I'm okay, i'm okay

Globe RUN FOR HOME Race Results

Please indulge me on this one...

Im loving this 'sport'... and Ill just better myself every time... * wishes *

Here's to more runs...

to fitness...

and to life...

I LOVE IT...

for the results, check this site out...

http://www.runpix.info/mna09/ge.php

justification

You know why I really really really like him...

Its because with all the guys Ive met in my 'gay' life...

I THINK he's the only one who has seen me when I was invisible...

...

apparently some friendships have an expiration date...

and you're running pretty near that already...

you're treading on 'dangerous' waters here...

you stepped over a line somewhere...

what you did was majorly uncalled for...

and this is the 2nd time that you've done it...

i wont have it again...

guess that explains why 'everything' happened the way it did in your life...

music is pure love =)

other works at facebook and deviantart

new home...

here another online portfolio for my artworks...

theyre more refined and 'structured' here...

http://daemonvillamil.deviantart.com/

would appreciate links, and comments to my dev art page...

i am such an attention whore...

soulmate

ive found the other half of my heart...

my soulmate...

only time and destiny will tell...

if things i wish for will fall into its right place...

i will never lose hope nor will i ever be deterred...

i will endure all pain and confusion...

for the heart never lies...

love never lies...

this is a declaration of my 'strong' feelings for my soulmate...

and i don't regret feeling this way for you...

no matter what...

* mush *

lost...

been going back and forth...

i cant seem to stay in one place...

i cant find myself to be satisfied...

i cant put myself to be calm...

im worried...

im really really worried...

fuck it...

everythings going downhill...

im really lost...

and i dont know how to get back...

...

...

quoted...

"People who seldom commit mistakes, make the biggest and stupidest mistakes." - Daemon

Childhood - Michael Jackson

One of my all-time favorite Michael Jackson songs from his catalog...

I totally can relate...

though Ive had my childhood, I think what Ive lost were my teenage years...
the mistakes, the high-school concept of love... everything...

And I'm just living them all right now...

Thus the 'screwed' up life...

Then again, things will turn out for the better...

Im sure of it...

RIP Michael Jackson, may you find true peace and love in Heaven...

----

Childhood
Michael Jackson

Have you seen my Childhood?
I'm searching for the world that I come from
'Cause I've been looking around
In the lost and found of my heart...
No one understands me
They view it as such strange eccentricities...
'Cause I keep kidding around
Like a child, but pardon me...

People say I'm not okay
'Cause I love such elementary things...
It's been my fate to compensate,
for the Childhood
I've never known...

Have you seen my Childhood?
I'm searching for that wonder in my youth
Like pirates in adventurous dreams,
Of conquest and kings on the throne...

Before you judge me, try hard to love me,
Look within your heart then ask,
Have you seen my Childhood?

People say I'm strange that way
'Cause I love such elementary things,
It's been my fate to compensate,
for the Childhood I've never known...

Have you seen my Childhood?
I'm searching for that wonder in my youth
Like fantastical stories to share
The dreams I would dare, watch me fly...

Before you judge me, try hard to love me.
The painful youth I've had

Have you seen my Childhood...

it would be nice...

if only someone would appreciate all the efforts i give...

if only someone would treat me more than a friend...

if only someone would hold me tight and tell me everything will be ok...

if that someone was YOU...

funny thought...

was watching Hercules over at Disney this afternoon...

and a funny thought occurred...

'YOU' remind me of the Disney Hercules...

hehe...

from the stature, the physique...

the attitude...

"YOU'RE" a dead ringer...

damn dude...

this adds more to hoping...

and longing...

damn it... im still hung up on you...

you're my Hercules...

you're my wonderboy...

* sigh *

* sigh *

is it too much to ask for somebody to romantically love me?

im tired of being a spectator...

i just want to be happy...

still at it...

Its funny how people perceive that you and me are an item...

For most of them, it comes of as a joke...

For me, it only fuels the hope that someday you and me would be...

Funny how people wonder why you react the way you do when they bring me up to you...

Ive been wondering that myself for such a long long time...

But I gave up figuring you out...

I still catch your glances...

And I guess you catch me with mine...

Its nearly 3 years already...

And we're still at it...

Whatever it is...

We're still at it...

You've been with your significant other...

I've lost mine...

I've dated around, met new people...

And yet, none have progressed into anything romantic...

And I found myself drawn back to you as always...

I can't express in words how I felt on my way home...

That little chit chat was more than enough to make me giddy like a little boy opening a gift...

As the lift opened to the Ground Floor, I asked the obvious, "Going home?"

"Yeah, I'm not feeling well..." You said with that cute expression on your face...

"Swine flu? Hahaha" I jokingly said

"Hahaha... Nope. Feeling a bit feverish. I guess its just me, I don't know really." You answered

"Really now? Can I have a feel?" I asked politely

I took you're not responding as a 'Yes' and I extended my right-hand on your left cheek

"Come on man, that's barely a fever..." I reacted

Reacting back, "Really? Well, maybe I guess its just me... Ehr, you're working out tomorrow the same time, right?"

"Yeah I am. Guess Ill be seeing you then." I said.

"Yep, so this is my stop, I need to go the other side to catch my ride." You said...

"OK. Take care on your way home. Get well and rest easy. Bye." As I said, smiling

"OK. Bye. See you tomorrow." You said smiling

As I watch you walk away slowly, a sudden surge of endorphins engulfed my body...

Yes you have that effect on me...

Wouldn't it be funny, that at the end of this book things would fall into place...

Yes, I'm still hoping...

Stupid to say...

But I am...

True, that I've said that I'm tired...

But that doesn't mean I'm stopping...

Besides, the greatest love around is the one that's worth all the hurt and hopelessness...

Martyrdom to some...

Stupid to some...

But this is how I am with him...

I AM TRULY HEAD-OVER-HEELS-IN-LOVE with YOU...

* blush *

life is...

life is good
life is great
life is unbelievable
life is hard, life is cruel
life is so beautiful
ooh yeah ooh yeah

- Life Is Good, LFO

starting today right

after a night of dinner and movie with gym friends...

i was set on starting my Sunday right...

though i wasn't able to register for the 2009 Mizuno Infinity Run,
i had my heart set on running 10K...

for a 10K first timer i logged in at 1:01:05...

not bad...

i think...

not to mention, seeing 'HIM' at the run just completed my day...

i can now go to sleep with a big smile on face...

how i wish i could start everyday like this...

anyway, here's to the next run...

hoping to do 10k for something less than an hour...

dang...

i think I'm hooked...

whats not to hate...

lets start it off with meeting the wrong kind of guys...

with a side-dish of not meeting the right kind of guys...

add it off with being naive, stupid, gullible and desperate...

then...

top it off with starting the morning with no electricity from 2AM to 8AM...

getting denied for non-immigrant visa for work just because i don't have
proof of having strong ties with the company...

and then some...

what is there to love about my life?

thing is, i guess there's more to hate about it...

i fucking hate myself right now...

what was and what will be

i used to entertain thoughts of a future with you...

now, i hope that karma visits you in the form of a raging 10-wheeler truck...

* hell hath no fury like a gay guy scorned *

directions

if all directions that i have taken...

led to my heart being broken...

then where does one go from here?

the truth...

the truth is...

everytime i see same-sex-male couples...

my inner-self, crawls to a corner...

bows my head, and i find my inner-self sobbing...

yes... im green with envy...

sure, i'm as happy as the next single gay guy out there...

but as i look at how happy they are..

at how they're building their future...

i weep for my current situation...

is happiness to much to ask for?

i think i deserve it...

i guess, that love story i was expecting God to finish writing...

isnt yet finished...

that or...

i was never meant to have one...

...

...

tired...

im so tired...

everything is...

from my heart to my brain to my body...

but the thought of not being you is driving me to push more...

to exert more...

im not giving up...

not just yet...

lost

Ive forgotten how it is to love myself.

Ive forgotten the feeling of being loved.

Ive now lost hope and belief in love.

what the hell...

ok, so i think im getting into something serious here...

im excited for the future...

but it scares the shitload out of me...

the thought of it gives me goosebumps...

theres alot to consider with this one...

i dont think im ready yet...

i dont think im ready to be an adult yet...

the decisions needed on this one requires maturity...

knowing me...

im still not there...

frack...

come on...

what the hell am i thinking about getting a place of my own...

when i barely have a job...

and to top it all on that, there is a probability that...

that...

hmmm...

cant let the cat out of the bag yet...

aaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh!

this is sooooo frustrating...

affected...

after all this time...

seeing how 'youre' doing...

im affected...

i dont buy it, when you say that you've crossed over the fence...

i think you're still into guys...

its obvious...

pretty much...

i shouldn't be this affected...

but i'am...

you were mine...

and i screwed up...

...

...

funny...

as im writing this, the next track on my playlist sings...

* 'cause its over, (girl) you know its over this time *

comfort...

i soooo missed eating at mcdonalds...

its been a good two months since ive had me some mcdonalds...

changed all of that today...

chowed down two cheeseburgers, two large fries, three bbq sauces and one large coke...

thats what i call pigging out...

i feel guilty about it...

but then again, theres nothing wrong with chowing down on comfort foods...

plus, im excited to sweat it all out at the gym tom...

to comfort food...

=)

heres another month before i do mcdonalds again...

lol

shameful shameful...

yes...

im shameful...

so so so so so shameful...

on being touched...

it feels good to be 'touched' that way again...

but it really didn't change a thing...

---

through it all id still rather have someone hug and sleep beside me the whole night...

someone to hold my hand while walking...

someone to kiss me on the forehead just because he think its cute...

id rather have those anytime of the day...

hands-down...

turn in change

lifted from one of my online profile sites...

---

i used to write alot of things here...

things that will make me look good for someone...

but things must change...

and so, i have to move on...

i have to learn to move on...

i am spent and i am broken...

and id like to meet someone who is real...

someone who wont leave just because there are complications...

someone who wont play with my vulnerability...

someone who will show me that i can still believe in hope and love...

i need someone to fix me...

and the door closes...

as fast as it came...

as quickly it ended...

thats how seemingly good things come into my life...

thats my story...

ever the same...

never changing...

all i can do is try hard...

to smile...

to forget the feeling of being wanted...

and once again...

im left alone...

* great *

litanya

disclaimer : please give me this post to rant... i just need an outlet to 'shout' it all out...
i dont mean to offend anyone, and in case you did, guess im talking about you...

----

sabi nila di mo kelangan hanapin ang pag-ibig...

sabi nila kelangan mo lang maghintay at darating yon...

hindi ako nakinig...

sinuway ko ang mga bilin ng aking mga kaibigan...

at eto na ako...

dahil sa aking pagkakaroon ng matigas na ulo...

lagi na lang ako nasasaktan...

di na na nasanay...

di na natuto...

sa totoo lang...

tuwing nauuwi sa wala ang lahat ng nagiging mga kadate ko...

o mga nakakausap ko...

sobra akong nasasaktan...

pakiramdam ko, wala akong kwenta...

kahit anong pursigo ko sa pagpapaganda ng kaanyuan ko...

di parin ito sapat...

laging kulang...

pagod na ako...

at unti unti na akong nawawalan ng pag-asa...

nahihirapan na ako magtiwala...

sa ideya na may tao pang magkakagusto sa akin...

oo na, aaminin ko...

mapili ako...

eh tangina naman...

kung ang ibang pangit dyan, may karapatan maging mapili...

ako pa...

kung tutuusin maraming may hitsura dyan...

at maganda ang hubog ng katawan...

pero puta naman, mga kloseta kayo...

kung sa gym, lalaking lalake kayo umasta...

makikikta ko na lang kayo sa labas, mas malambot pa sa dalagang naglalandi...

at may hand-bag pa...

DUDE, i talk 'straighter' and act 'straighter' than most of you...

tapos ako pa hihiritan nyo na effem... FUCK YOU pare...

di ko na lam kung saan ako pupuwesto...

papaka-santo ako at hahabulin ko seryosong relasyon - i get turned down...

papaka-pokpok ako - i get shut down...

fuck it...

ano ba?!?

napapagod na ako...

pagod na pagod na ako...

im spent on putting up this facade and letting everyone think im alright...

im spent on being patient...

bastusan ba gusto nyo?

go... kaya ko yan...

ive nothing to lose...

wala akong kelangan itago...

alam ng lahat na bading ako...

alam ng lahat na in-love ako sa isang straight na guy...

bukas na bukas ang libro ng buhay ko...

fuck it...

fuck it talaga...

di ko na talaga kaya minsan...

bakit lagi na lang ganito...

when will things start being better...

when...

hugs

* sigh *

i just realized today...

that all I need to satisfy this loneliness...

is a long lingering romantic hug...

* sigh *

so this online-test-thingie...

it got me...

spot on...

---

Engaged Idealist (EI)

Engaged Idealists are extroverted and helpful. Others find them to be very congenial and inspiring - especially as they are always willing to see the best in the other person. Their humour, their energy and their optimism attract other people. Engaged Idealists are very good at communicating and are good at convincing and firing on others. That is why it is a matter of course that they often take over the leading role in groups. This personality type often produces very charismatic persons.

Engaged Idealists have an unusually strong ability to empathise. They are tolerant and generous towards others; they sometimes tend to idealise their friends. They always try to suit everybody and want their relationships to be harmonious and satisfactory. To achieve this, they are prepared to invest a great deal and to put their requirements last. As Engaged Idealists are very considerate, there is the danger of them sacrificing and overexerting themselves for others. In their job, they therefore have to be very careful not to develop a burnout syndrome.

Engaged Idealists are reliable, well organised and love structuring complicated situations. They have difficulty accepting criticism; they quickly feel hurt and misunderstood. Their perfectionism also influences their love life - they look for the perfect relationship for life. Once they have made their decision, they are faithful, well-balanced and loving partners. However, should they get involved with the wrong person, it can happen that they allow themselves to be exploited for a long time before they end the relationship.

Adjectives which describe your type: extroverted, theoretical, emotional, planning, idealistic, committed, likable, enthusiastic, responsible, helpful, loyal, diplomatic, friendly, inspiring, caring, solicitous, optimistic, effusive, adaptable, communicative, articulate, convincing, energetic, optimistic, open, vulnerable

The Engaged Idealist at work

As an Engaged Idealist you are one of the extroverted personality types. You enjoy working in a colorfully diverse group of people who interest and inspire you. Working in a “secluded room” is not your thing. You enjoy emphasizing with those around you and soon everybody senses the high priority and importance people represent to you. Therefore a team-oriented project is just right for you.

Your insight into human nature, your feel for your colleague’s and/or subordinate’s positive sides and potentials and your preparedness to encourage and support everyone around you to the best of your ability quickly brings them closer to you. People like to ask you for advice, appreciate your caring ways and appreciate to be taken under your wings. Within your means you are always available to others who need you because you yourself enjoy the ultimate gratification of being able to help others to make the best of themselves and to be successful mediating conflicts among people.

You are well suited to be an executive: It is difficult to resist your charisma, your enthusiasm and your ability to excite and motivate others. Authoritarian management attitudes are not your thing; it is your way to convince others of a project’s reason and significance who will then look forward to follow you voluntarily. You place a lot of value on creating the willingness to cooperate in others and with your gift to motivate that usually comes easy to you. You do not enjoy conflicts, need harmony and invest lots of energy and time in a good working climate and a harmonic relationship of your colleagues among each other.

The Engaged Idealist in love

For you, love is the Alpha and Omega in life - you simply can’t be happy without it. No other type falls in love as quickly, strongly, and passionately. That has a lot to do with your limitless enthusiasm, and that does not only apply to things, but to people as well. When you love someone, you put him/her on a pedestal, surround him/her in a blaze of glory, and idealize him/her to the point that the people around you occasionally begin to doubt your soundness of mind.

Interestingly enough, you are normally blessed with excellent antennas for nuances. However, when you are in love, some systems appear to be defective: You won’t see a single spot on the white shining armor of your dream prince/princess, because you are convinced that he/she is a pure angel who fell from the clouds and landed right at your feet.

For the “target” of your affection, this passion is simply overwhelming. Who would not love to be raised into heaven, to be showered with your unconditional adoration and admiration? You court the partner of your choice with infinite imagination, empathy, and charm giving him/her no chance to resist. If you chose well, this can end in a long and happy relationship because you are a faithful and dedicate person who is willing to invest a lot into the partnership. In the long run, it is always given the most important priority in your life. As far as you are concerned, you entered a union for life, and you take nothing more seriously than the obliga-tion you took on out of love. Dedicated, you try tirelessly to divine your partner’s wishes before he/she is aware of them him/herself, and if at all possible, immediately satisfy them.

---

Well done...

well done indeed...

take the test here...

vintage...

so I'm digging cars lately...

would have gotten one if all of 'this' hadn't happened...

but then again, I'm glad it did...

so I was surfing over my fave world trivia site darkroastedblend...

and i got wind of these amazing cars...



they are produced by an independent car company, Morgan Motor Company,
which sells these babies for $44,000 for a base model and would go up high as $300,000...

the exclusivity of the car has a waiting list of over to more than a year...

each car is hand-made from metal and wood

from the roster of the cars that are on the site, the following got my attention...

a 1964 Morgan SLR



a Morgan Aero8


and the futuristic looking Morgan "AeroMax"


yum...

would want one of these babies around the metro...

=)

as much as i try...

as much as i try to be strong...

as much as i try to be positive...

there comes a point that i can barely smile anymore...

its just that i ask...

'why not me?'

'why does it always have to be them?'

sounds selfish, i know...

but - i deserve a break...

i deserve something - someone better...

ive had enough of heartaches really...

and im only holding on to a thin string of hope...

im afraid that it might not be able to support,

all the weight that its pulling...

it may snap soon...

i may snap soon...

...

creative juices have started flowing again...

finally broken free from hiding...

heres what free time + boredom + creativity + life brings...




















boo to idleness...

boo to disheartened pessimism...

living life...

been talking to some people lately...

quarter life crisis is taking its toll on a lot of people...

its funny how things work really...

'love' has taken quite a punch from them...

and some are becoming cynical about it...

my advice...

"live life to love..."

ironic in the sense that its simple to say, yet difficult to practice...

loving is not something that should be thought of...

it should be natural as breathing...

it is not an option...

loving is never just another priority...

it is and should be the first priority of anyone...

so i say...

"be amazing; be more than amazing..."

and

"live life to love..."

=)

this song is for you...

stay away
josh hoge

oOohh, yeaa
Took a year for me to figure out
How to live without you not around
I used to lie awake at night
Playing back the day you said goodbye
Remember when you walked out the door
Said you didn`t want me anymore
Thought I`d never get over you
What`cha trying to do
Now that I`m finally out back on my feet
Then you start saying you been missing me
Then showing up at places I might be
Don`t take this personal girl

Chorus
Stay away
There`s only so much that my heart can take
If you get too close you know
It`s a touch and a kiss, then you`re off and I`m wishing
I never made this damn mistake
Baby please stay
Stay away from me

Verse 2
Now I don`t need to hear what`cha think
So turn around and walk the other way
Can`t believe that you can just pretend
But make believe that we can still be friends
Now we won`t know that if we start this up
It won`t be long before we`re making love
And I don`t wanna be burned again
Girl you had your chance
So if you really care for me at all
Don`t look me in the eyes
Don`t try to call
Just take your pictures down
From off my wall
You`ll get too close to me girl

Chorus 1x

Know you gonna tear me apart (you`re in my heart)
Don`t wanna go back to the start (I`ve come too far)
Stay away
oOoh OoOoh

Chorus 2x

without you knowing...

without you knowing...

you have made me cry over sleepless nights...

you have made me long for the unattainable...

without you knowing...

you have made me smile from the first day we met...

you have given me some of the best days over the past two years...

without you knowing...

i am...

so much into you...

and the result is...

so for the airspeed 5k marathon i ranked...










102nd with running time of 31:58 averaging 6:24/km...

considering that we started a good 5 minutes after the bell rang...

so that makes it a good 27 minutes...

not toooo shabby, if i do say so myself... =)

so, on to the next run...

cant wait...

will push for 10k run...

amazing...

not a normal saturday...

it was more than normal...

---

'HIS' bday party + getting a 'wee' (and i use the term wee loosely) bit wasted +
2 hours sleep + 5k run @ MOA under 30mins

=

AMAZING...

another round of this amazing weekend pls...

hitting the nail... =)

You are The Moon

Hope, expectation, Bright promises.

The Moon is a card of magic and mystery - when prominent you know that nothing is as it seems, particularly when it concerns relationships. All logic is thrown out the window.

The Moon is all about visions and illusions, madness, genius and poetry. This is a card that has to do with sleep, and so with both dreams and nightmares. It is a scary card in that it warns that there might be hidden enemies, tricks and falsehoods. But it should also be remembered that this is a card of great creativity, of powerful magic, primal feelings and intuition. You may be going through a time of emotional and mental trial; if you have any past mental problems, you must be vigilant in taking your medication but avoid drugs or alcohol, as abuse of either will cause them irreparable damage. This time however, can also result in great creativity, psychic powers, visions and insight. You can and should trust your intuition.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

...

i am going to be 'amazing'...

just wait and see...

a left turn

i take pride in the fact that ive stayed friends with my (only) ex...

and because ive loads of free time, i decided to meet up with my ex...

so last wednesday, mar 18, we met up...

had lunch in big buddha...

last time we were here was on our 9th month a couple of years ago...

we got around to talking...

caught up on each others life...

hes doing actually well...

hes finally got a stable career...

hes finally doing well in his life...

things that ive asked of him before...

it never just came into fruition when we were together...

after that day...

i thought about why i let him go...

i was having regrets...

and i know that they will remain as such...

he is my first-love... and he will always be here in me...

looking back, it was foolish of me to 'entertain' the thought...

one that will never ever be...

foolish of me to think that with him gone...

id be better off...

truth be told...

i wouldnt probably be in 'this' scenario if i never 'cheated'...

i wouldnt probably be alone...

but then again...

things could be the opposite...

i feel foolish, for doing the right things...

because usually, in my world - things go bad...

* sniff *

this one, i can never take back...

that im sure off...

the good guys

most say that good guys finish last...

i say...

good guys finish last, but when they finish last, the finish best...

=)

* positive thinking *

changes

change is constant...

some would welcome it...

some would fear it...

i have been so caught up with the routines of my daily life that i just don't

see myself changing that anytime soon...

but as stated, change is constant...

i just have to learn to accept the fact that it'll be that way soon...

and i wish it wouldn't come to that...

but if it does...

then i need to have a backup plan...

so - do i start looking?

or do i just slump back to being the loner that i used to be?

these are changes...

constant as they are, it doesn't mean i have to accept it...

but eventually i have too...

to change...

* toast *

may ye never be...

to you

I thought that with the onset of 'him' in my life...

Id forget about 'you'...

Id be happy and content...

But apparently I'm not...

I'm hanging on to hope...

I just never learned to give-up...

No matter how much painful it is...

To see you every day...

And know the fact that I will never know you more than what we are...

---

Why cant I stop this feeling that jumps out of my chest whenever I see you?

As if the feeling is not enough...

Why is it that Id catch you looking?

Funny, really because I know for sure, you catch me looking at you...

Will words go unspoken between us forever?

The whole world knows how I feel for you...

Isn't it that obvious?

I want to tell you...

Face-to-face...

But as brave as I appear to be...

I don't really think Id be able to risk losing you...

---

If by any possibility that this 'thing' is all in my head...

Then Id rather hear it from you...

At this point you're the only one who can close this chapter...

I could, but Im weak to do so...

---

You're my 'kryptonite'...

You make me weak to the desires of my heart...

You're always an extra 10 miles among the rest...

Yes, you're that special...

thinking out loud...

we are plunged into situations where we 'are' forced
to keep to our selves what we really want to say...

this is usually what happens when we become
the 'bigger' and 'better' person...

strange though...

i was never really known to keep my mouth shut...

let alone keep my opinions to myself...

so...

without really getting into trouble...

here are a couple of things off of my head...

things that i would have wanted to tell a couple of people...

on the bitchy side...

- "i don't appreciate being shushed at... worry more about yourself, cause I'm not ashamed of how i talk or act..."

- "so, apparently... you're insecure with me - i wouldn't really have imagined it..."

- "look, you may have 'that' - but I KNOW I'M BETTER LOOKING than you..."

- "at least, I don't lie about the real me..."

on the other side...

- "dude, what are we?"

- "when are we going to stop playing this game?"

- "yes; i want you to know... I LOVE YOU..."

* sigh *

i really don't know why, with my 'attitude' and all fold with being
'angry' with people who are close to me...

maybe because i am so tied up with the reputation that i built as this
all around nice guy...

frack...

i dont know really...

i just always want to be the 'bigger' person and i let 'kharma' deal with
them...

funny how things are now turning...

everything has turned a complete 360 degrees...

note to self : build more confidence...

=)

* just ranting out *

the good things...

good things rarely happen to me...

when it does...

its either they're short-lived...

or
they're tooooooooooo good to be true...

in this case, it appears to be that of the latter one...

i don't know what will happen...

everything's too early too tell...

all i can say is... i think ill be seeing that good ol' drawing board again...

* sigh *

25 Random Things About Me

Just because a lot has been tagging me.

Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you.

1) Fact : I am known by different names, brought about by different set of friends and environments; office pips know me as Ge, CSA and DLSU pips know me as GV, gym people (and some dates) know me as Daemon/Mon... but only a few people actually call me by my real name... well actually just one guy... =)

2) Habit : I pretty much run on a scheduled daily routine. I have to be somewhere or have to be doing a certain thing at a particular time. All extra-co's are planned ahead of time. If by chance that I run of course a routine, then it means that I enjoy the shift in schedule.

3) Habit : I'm an addict... a gym addict that is. Its my third home. To sum things up. I'm at the gym at most 6x a week, 3 to 4 hours a day (lunch-break visits excluded) on a weekday, and 4 hours on a weekend. Socializing usually takes off 30mins to an hour.

4) Fact : I'm a 'jack-of-all-trade-and-master-of-none'. I can do a lot of stuff - pretty much good at most, but never can excel in any of them. Go figure, why I'm always lost.

5) Goal : In relation to # 4. I always wanted to become an archaeologist/explorer. Ever since I was a kid, I've been fascinated with history (from dinosaurs to ancient ruins around the world). And would dream of one-day going on an expedition for NatGeo.

6) Fact : Still in relation to # 4. I consider myself to be artistic. Though limited in skill, I still somehow manage to amaze people with what I can do.

7) Fact : I consider myself to be an old-fashion-romantic. Despite the 'world' and 'culture' that I have grown accustomed to, I set myself apart by the 'ideologies' I live by. I used to entertain the thought of ONS, but the idea grew too old for me quickly - now Im more of into dinners,movies,dates and cuddling. =)

8) Fact : I used to not like going to bars. And I have to thank my brus' for tugging me out of my shell. Now, its like I long for it - as opposed to the idea of # 7. Its more of being seen at the right place and by the right people, and of course to dance like there's no worries in the world.

9) Goal : In relation to # 4. I'm a frustrated wannabee (read: celebrity/model/singer). Har har har

10) Fact : I'm a tech-freak. I'm addicted to tech and I got to have them all (read Motorola phones, Bluetooth headphones, ear/headphones, computer peripherals). Now if I only have funds to address this addiction... hmmm.

11) Habit : In relation to # 3. I'm on this 'diet' where I variously eat 2 spoons of rice to a cup (depending on the need), staple buttered mixed-veggies and microwaved produce (read: cold-cuts) for breakfast; filled (butter/peanut/tuna/ham/cheese) sandwich for lunch; oats, staple buttered mixed-veggies, microwaved produce (read: cold-cuts) and sliced fruits for dinner; in between those, I have a cracker or fruit as snack and have a staple herbal juice for breakfast and dinner, commercially-induced slimming drink for lunch, before gym and before sleeping - this I do only on a weekday, on a weekend, its a free-for-all.

12) Fact : My musical guilty pleasures are late 90's and early 00's boy-bands and girl-bands.

13) Fact : My movie guilty pleasures are cheesy tagalog movies; as opposed to public knowledge that I don't watch tagalog movies. But I still stand true to not watch local tv shows.

14) Fact : In relation to # 4. I consider myself to be a pretty much good writer.

15) Habit : In relation to # 9. I often find myself strutting/catwalking. The frustration just naturally comes out.

16) Fact : I hate 'strict' corporate IT life. I have this perception that most are F.A.G's (Freaks and Geeks). I haven't encountered a majority of IT professionals who can prove me wrong. And yeah, still down with F.A.G's.

17) Habit : I am freaky observant; to the point that some would consider it as stalker-ish.

18) Fact : I am obsessive compulsive.

19) Fact : I have this tendency to hang-on to promises.

20) Goals : Im aiming to have less than 5% body fat. And I want it to be evident in the torso area. Damn excess skin... paging Dra. Bello...

21) Fact : Unlike most dysfunctional families, ours is more fucked up than the typical. Big-time. Guess which side?

22) Habit : Lately Ive been going to the gym to have lunch and have mid-day relaxation sessions with the yellow single-ton couch and the tv-lobby.

23) Goal : I have plans of world-domination. Well just to show all those who 'wronged' and 'bullied' me way back. Ha! Looks who's fat now. Yeah I may be gay - you got that right - but at least I ain't got a fat-ass and bad fashion-sense. Stuck ups. * teen-angst-mode *

24) Fact : I'm a late bloomer. It is only been a year since Ive truly stepped out of my shell. And so far, I'm loving every single minute of it.

25) Fact : I thrive on standing-out in any and every possible way.