...

HAPPEEEENUUUUUUYEEEEEAAAAARRRR!

2008 here i come...

wooooohoooo!!!!

ehrm...

wtf?

seasons greetings... =)

seasons greetings to everyone...

have a very merry christmas...




not really festive here...
but hey im trying, hehehe

questions...

yesterday was weird...

it started out with me getting pissed because of you...

then we made up... ehrm... we really "made" up...

after that...

you got pissed because of me...

and then we, seriously made up...

its strange because for the past two weeks, we have been fighting...

i dont know if we are at that point already of drifting away from each other...

beh, ang dami nating issues...

is it time for us to part ways?

im going to do something stupid...

it is the time of the season anyway...

ive been thinking about it...

and against the warning of my friends...

im going to push through with it...

i just need to muster enough guts to do it..

---

i have to admit, im still not over you...
* bangs head on cubicle wall *

hey guys... its been awhile...

been busy... this past few weeks...

twas Generali Pilipinas' Christmas Party last night...

loads of fun... lots of good looking people (lots of bad ones too)...

well ill be uploading some pics later... for now, ill leave you guys with a video from our group...

Team Marimax...

this has kept me busy for the past few weeks...

unfortunately in last nights "competition" we got snubbed off the top 3 list..

and to think, ours was the best looking MUSIC VIDEO...

crap... the group that won wouldnt stand a chance against us in a REAL MUSIC VIDEO contest...

bitter? I know... hey im like that... just because the video we did was above everyone elses...

at least thats what the majority thought... thing is, the majority didnt vote... =(

it was a core team that decided our fate...

anyway heres our vid...


and heres the vid of the group who won... * rolls eye in disgust *



now, judge for yourself...

and yes, im still bitter...

...

you make missing you so easy...

and

you make hating you easier...

bakit tayo nagkakaganito?

again...

its been awhile...

since weve exchanged pleasantries...

shared a few smiles...

ive been giving you the cold shoulder...

but lately, it seems that my cold facade is melting away...

you know you have your way of pulling me back in...

and thats what makes me furious...

im setting myself for heart ache again...

enough is enough...

i know that our exchanges will only lead to nothing...

and yet, you still do it...

i have to get back at being cold again...

no matter how much it hurts...

i just have to...

* sigh *

ganito

so ganito lang ba magtatapos ang lahat?

akala ko ba walang iwanan?

well, wala akong magagawa... lagi naman ganito eh...

dapat sanay na ako...

i guess i was never meant to share my love with anyone...

the love that i had with you...

is special...

or, was special...

guess i was the only one who thought that...

another entry for loneliness

photo credits alone by ~hidden-target

another entry for loneliness...

i dont know what made me think about this today...

nothing wrong happened to make me feel the way im feeling right now...

but the past few times that weve spent together...

ive grown really tired of our situation...

ive grown tired of your careless attitude...

yeah i know, youve got your priorities on list...

but it doesnt mean, that you have to act the way you do to me...

promises have been broken so many times...

ive already lost count...

and always it boiled down to some reason that i dismiss as valid...

i actually dont know whats out there for me...

i have this fear that if i let you go, id go back at square one...

id go back to play the "game" again...

but i know for sure that when im back in the field, id end up losing...

i always do...

maybe thats one of the reason why im holding on to dear life for you...

i dont want to feel the way i felt before...

the rejections...

id had enough...

till i found you, and it all went away...

but with you came baggages...

i know no relationship is without any...

its just that, im beginning to feel the burden you put on me...

before id just let it be...

now, its entirely different...

im having a hard time...

im torn...

im scared...
...
...

im think what im trying to say is...

im slowly falling out of love...

So this is how it feels.

Finally, Ive somehow began to "taste" the fruit of my hardwork.

It seems weird actually.

I dont want to assume.

Anyway, it started in the office... it was a compliment I think.

People can hardly believe that I work in our IT Department.

Must be the way I dress...

the way I talk...

if that be the case, then I think Ive checked out another item in my "life-to-do-list".

Also, Ive noticed that strangers / people I come across... they look at me differently...

if you know what I mean.

I guess this is how it feels.

Although, I have been known to make assumptions that benefit my ego...

whatever it may be, Im enjoying it.

I just hope that my assumptions are right.

I dont mean to sound so "egotistic".

But please allow me to be shallow. Just this once (then again, Im always shallow).

Maybe Im not as bad-looking as I thought I am.

Maybe Ive been looking for "validation" in the wrong places.

Everything is changing.

For the good.

Now if only I can shake off a couple of things that Id love to leave in the past.

Then, everything would be ok.

so it strikes again...

left alone with the silence of the night...

sentimentality strikes again...

* i miss you *

to my beh...

thank you for spending your weekend with me...

i found the moments we had to be one of the best...

and for that..

i want to say (again) that I LOVE YOU SOOOOO MUCH...

but my hearts sentiments cannot go unnoticed...

and so...

for the past couple of days...

ive noticed that you have been texting me about "behaving" myself...

and i dont know why you're finding it so hard to trust me...

admitted, i know i made a mistake before...

but eventhough i fall from time to time...

i TRY so hard to be loyal to you...

i know our situation is difficult...

and i know that you know that...

and maybe that is the reason why you think im out to look for somene else...

to be honest, i want to...

there are times when i feel tired about our situation...

times when you usually blame me for things that i have no idea about...

but you know what... i cant put myself up to do that...

i just cannot picture myself with someone other than you...

baby... mahal kita, you know that...

but please, dont make give me a reason to fall out of love with you...

especially not now...

not when im this vulnerable...

---

and to "you"...

im getting over you...

im trying so hard...

although im having trouble because you make hating you sooo hard...

at times i feel bad by giving you the cold shoulder...

it just seems to be unfair...

you had no hand in why im feeling like this...

well no hand, directly...

but i take it all...

my fault for allowing myself to have "feelings" for you...

tanga na kung tanga...

thats why im doing what im doing now so that i can forget about you...

if ever you get to read this (or your girlfriend gets to read this), i want to say...

sorry for being so cold... its the only way i know how to get over you...

and it hurts me for being like that...

im trying so hard...

but i miss the guy...

although i know its a lost cause already...

i really miss him...

i havent done anything...

and i dont plan to...

i vowed that id stop chasing...

its just that what im feeling inside is so strong...

and with my boyfriend not being here... it sucks so much...

damn it... miss na kita...

i miss the thought of hoping for something...

but its all useless...

i have to forget that...

i have to forget you...

i need someone to help me forget?

anyone...

please...

just wanna share...

last saturday, me and bryan were supposed to meet for my bday "celebration"...

unfortunately i had work and he had a family thing to attend to at 6pm...

but... the sweet thing was, he stopped by my place (from pampangga) to surprise me with this...


a cake...

i was shocked that he would do that...

i dont expect romantic stuffies from him... so for him to drop by my place just to give me a cake made me blushy inside...

unfortunately, we hadnt had the chance to eat the cake together and have some ehrm... alone-time because he had to leave for that family thing... =(

sadness...

after bryan left, i went on to go gyming... it was a bit weird gyming until closing time...

the gym was nearly empty, say for a few members, instructors and staff...

gyming was comfortable and yet... i felt so alone...

* sigh *

anyway, i was really looking forward to the long weekend... i need some me-time...

so, counting down the day...

monday... elections blah blah blah...

tuesday... meetings, work stuff, deadlines blah blah blah blah...

btw... tuesday was a good day... someone up there gives everyone a break... =)

and wednesday... well the office declared a 300pm dismissal... got around to leave the office at around 500pm...

bryan texted me the day before, and asked me if we could meet up today...

well, because i missed my baby so much, i obliged to meet up with him...

what originally started with us meeting in glorietta, ended up with us meeting in robinsons place manila...

left makati at 530pm and got to rob manila at 630pm...

got there, first thing we did was to say hi to rica... after all this was here "home"... hehehe

after saying our hi's and hello's... we went on to look for somewhere to eat...

what got us instead was this sale in sports stuff in the middle...

and after an hour of rifting through some stuff, i ended up with two new pairs...

a pair of Nike cross trainers...


and a pair of Fila sneakers...


god dangit.. "napagastos tuloy ako..."

anyway bryan ended with one pair of fila sneakers and a pair of rubber shoes...

i miss hanging out with my bf sooo much...

that and the other thing too... hahaha

crap... things are going to be that difficult when he leaves...

=(

anyway, after shoe shopping, we grabbed a quick bite at Wendys...

after which we went home...

i was a bit disappointed at how bryan refuses to be kissed (passionately)...

he wasnt that much responsive... but he kept on saying that he misses me...

now this is one of those moments where i think about his sincerity...

i dunno...

im happy with my boyfriend... though i still find myself strongly attracted to other guys...

ehrm...

hmmm didnt i just write something about that in my previous entries?

god dangit... * slam head on table top *...

anyway... i hope things will be back to normal for us...

and i do hope that we can get some time alone this saturday...

* scratches

i think since i've publicly posted my feelings for you, i have this strange feeling that you know...

you pretend you don't... but i have this gut feeling that you do...

explains why you have'nt been talking much to me lately...

it saddens me...

though i know this is for the better...

i can finally let go of you...

i think...

im still in the process of accepting and learning how to see myself without you in the aspect that i wanted you and i to be in...

i tell myself that its ok if we dont get to talk...

its ok if you ignore me...

its ok...

after all...

i dont even think you saw me as a friend...

thats why im done...

ive had enough...

i wont chase something that i know will elude me for the rest of my life...

and please dont bring me back in...

i dont want to hope for anything anymore...

... happiness ...

the adrenalin rush that today gave me...

the responsibility stacked on my desk..

today feels good...

its different...

i should be crushed with all the responsibility stacked on my shoulder...

the projects, committees, program...

its all piling up...

but yet... i seem to be enjoying things...

weird...

really weird...

ive been meaning to write something about turning 25...

it should be of my accomplishments...

my realized dreams...

and so far... ive come about to write nothing...

sad isnt it?

so... with my list of practically nothing...

i vow that before i turn 30...

i would have done everything i have set out to do...

and be everything that i wished to be...

this is a promise...

its time to clean up my act...

get ready world...

here i come...

...

...

ehrm...

anyone got a map on how to do this stuff?

hehehe

indulge me on this one...

at least give me this space to be happy...

even just for today...

HAPPY 25th BIRTHDAY... TO ME...


...

...

pathetic... isnt it?

have the tables finally turned?

what used to be an air of flirtation has become an air of coldness?

so this is how it felt like...

maybe this is for the better...

maybe this time id forget about you...

i cant say, really...

jeez... how come im so affected when youre being cold to me?

well are you?

come on man... im tired of playing this cat-and-mouse game with you...

i want to lay my cards down the table..

so on my part it will be all over...

but then, i dont think id want this game to ever end...

its the only thing i have with you...

* sigh *

why cant i just forget you?

why do i make myself suffer?

why do i make things complicated?

why do you make me suffer?

why do you make things complicated for me?

everybodys growing up...

i should too...

time to hang up the kid cap and don on my fedora...

time to leave the land of slumber and wake up to the real world...

ive been slacking around and now ive been left behind..

i need to get back into the race...

i need to prove to the world that i am more what my limitations set on me...

i should grow up...

should i?

i need to take everything one at a time...

i need to live with the decisions no matter how wrong they were...

i need to get my sanity back...

i need to find myself again...

was i blinded?

i guess i just never learn...

"nasaktan na nga ako't lahat lahat... pero di pa rin ako natuto..."

how can i be so stupid to let myself fall for your trap again...

god i must be the most stupid person in the whole world...

i thought that i would get over you...

i thought that after a week it'll be all over...

i thought that if id see you two, together, i wouldnt be affected...

but my thoughts betray me...

i tried to ignore what my eyes could see...

i tried to convince myself that it werent true...

but it is...

i need help to get over you...

i need to find my way back to sanity...

i cant go through everyday seeing you and knowing that things will never be...

"ayaw ko na..."

...

and yet, i just cant stop thinking about you...

everything that we've shared...

i wish those were enough...

but its not...

getting over you isnt as easy as i thought it was...

slowly... as each day progress...

and as i find my way back to comfort..

i know ill get over you...

image credits Falling by PRiCk-ed @ devart

everything is falling apart...

i need someone to catch me...

im done with the past...

i think im ready to move on...

so is it goodbye for good?

fuck it...

fuck it...

hey there...

i dont know how to say it in front of you...

though YES i like the "attention" that you give...

id like you to know that it kills me when you talk to me...

"masakit pa rin eh..."

i know you mean well... i think...

and im sorry for being so cold...

i do manage to get in a smile once in awhile...

but i find it hard to not get over the fact that i wasted so much time wondering if we'd ever be...

i dont want you to stop talking to me...

but at the same time i dont want to feel stupid again...

simple things like talking to me... carry me away...

so...

i really dont know...

id go mad if youd never speak to me...

id go mad if you keep on speaking to me...

its a struggle on my part...

im trying sooo hard...

but you make hating you not easy...

im not that kind of person...

ok i need to watch out what im eating...

i dont know if im gaining muscle mass or fat mass....

but one things for certain... im fucking going back to food control...

fuck...

anyway before i start, this has been a weeks overdue... last last week, i had my hair cut short...

its been awhile since ive done short hair... and after have two weeks with it... i love it...

anyway heres a recent shot of me with my short hair...

* hay *

im back to wearing cream/gel again...

so what do you guys think? long or short?

---

so... my saturday was a bust... "badtrip"...

first of all bryan couldnt make it because of his training thingie...

second, well second... i finally learned the truth...

guess that was that... a couple of months wasted... * sigh *

and the worst part of that is i made a fool of myself online...

arrrgggghhh... * frustration *

and even if that werent enough i saw them waiting for a bus on my way home...

someone out there must really hate me so much...

and again, i cried myself to sleep last night...

i wanted to hold back the tears...

the tears won...

* sigh *

---

so waking up sunday morning, i wasnt really feeling that all great...

i was anticipating that bryan would cancel on his promise again so i got around to eat breakfast early and prepared my stuff for the gym...

after eating breakfast, i saw a text on my phone "beh im on my way there... blah blah"...

so i went around to quickly fixing the place up and took a quick shower...

prepared for something to eat.. and waited...

twenty minutes passed... and he arrived...

we just spent most of the morning wrapped in each others arm...

the rest... was well... ehrm some well deserved alone-time... hahaha

anyway... being with him always made me feel wonderful...

its like whenever hes beside me... i feel as if hes not going away anymore...

but it was different...

i cant really explain it... but it was different... different, not in a good way...

its like im ready to let him go...

maybe its just me training myself to be far away from him...

am i ready to have a "long-distance-relationship"?

there are alot of question that comes into mind when ldr is talked about...

honesty, intimacy, communication... things that i know WE both need working on...

im really scared for US...

what will happen in the next 8 months that we're not together...

everything is uncertain...

and it sucks...

---

* sigh *

going back... after having much alone time together... bryan needed to head back to pampangga...

it was a bit early for me... around 1230... so i decided to go the gym (with his permission of course)...

so i got to quickly dress up, fixed my gym stuff... and off we went...

i asked bryan if he could accompany me to the gym...

he was hessitant at first, but he complied...

now i know i had a hidden agenda... but i wasnt expecting that i would actually happen...

anyway got off the elevator, and the first person that i see is "him"...

i could just paint the scenario that we were in...

i dont know if it matters for "him"... but i want "him" to know that im still happy with my bryan despite all of our issues...

and that, well i might be eating my words but what the heck, im on the process of accepting the truth and hopefully, ill get over you...

i just hope that he realizes how hurt i was by what he did...

intenionally or not...

it hurts...

so much...

to feel that someone I LIKE could probably LIKE ME, romantically...

and have the world cave down on those feelings...

yeah it hurts...

---

* sigh *

so feeling that ive just ridden an emotional roller coaster... i wanted to treat myself with my guilty pleasure...

after gym, i headed straight for glorietta... i was so wanting to eat at Burger King...

i got around to order one of their burger/fries combo meal...

and...

well, the cherry on the top of the whole meal...

a BK Butterfinger Cream Cake...

|

* drools *

hmm butterfinger...

even after hours of eating the stuff, just looking at the picture reminds me of how sweet and chewy the butterfinger pieces were...

* drools *

yesterday gave me a scare...

when youre as dependent on technology as i am...

a simple glitch can become a total nightmare...

and so yesterday it happened...

it started with my Creative Neeon 2... i did the normal process of clicking the "safely remove hardware" icon from the task bar... and so i did...

after having been notified that its ok for me to remove the device connection from the pc...

and so did...

strangely enough, the player was turned off...

i tried turning it on, but it wouldnt... i was in panic already, though i calmly told myself that my Neeon was still under warranty...

but i was "scared"; though i had to let it be, what could i have done... i was off to the gym... i just couldnt drop gym for my Neeon... i have saturday for that...

so off i went...

gyming... i was using my moto s9...

i was half into my routine when i pressed the play/pause button of my s9...

expecting it to stop...

it just went on to skip to the next track...

this got me worried initially so i started tweaking the connectioon but that didnt pan out...

i retired my s9 and z6...

after finishing my routine i went at it again...

but still the problem prevailed...

now im worried...

the thought of my s9 being week-old and now having some "issues" got me scared...

and to add more damaging blows... the volume-up button didnt work too...

thoughts of panic ran through my head... and i was really bummed going home with two broken gadgets...

but i knew that there has to be some explanation online...

and so when i got home, ate dinner and took a bath...

i was set to find out the answers online (geesh that sounded soooo geeky...)

and so i did...

--- fast forward ---

first... my Neeon... i tried updating the firmware, but it was useless because the device wasnt recognized when i inserted it into my usb port... i toyed around with the manual, making sure i read every FAQ available... since that was a bust... i turned to my player...

stared at it for a couple of minutes...

trying to figure out what to do...

and i thought of... "hmmm reset? will that do the trick?"

so i borrowed a safety pin from my mom and surprisingly enough... my Neeon turned on...

whew...

so thats one down and one more to go...

as for my Moto s9... well nothing i could do about it... it was already late late in the night and the net was just filtered with the same issue as i had...

so i just settled to write motorola philippine service center a letter...

i left it out and hoped for the better...

--- fast forward to today ---

i decided to call motorola at digital exchange... told them my situation with my s9 and theyll gladly replace it...

after the phone call... i tried my s9 again...

and to my surprise... all buttons are now working...

freak!!!

that really gave me a scare...

* hay *

im so glad that both are now fixed...

really gives me comfort now...

* thinks *

entry was tooo geeky... hahaha

i really dont have any proof...

but from what ive heard...

i can say that...

"naging isa akong malaking tanga.."

ive been stupid ever-since ive known and had feelings for you... i still do by the way...

im stupid for putting myself out there making everyone believe that you were interested...

im stupid for allowing myself to fall for you...

im stupid for not listening to my friends...

im stupid, point blank...

i had a gut feeling that you were straight and yet, i made myself believe that you were otherwise...

you know, it kills me that other people have tickled you, have constantly approached you for small talk...

i knew that you didnt really like that...

i waited on the side-lines believing that if i didnt force myself on you... you would see...

but i guess, you wouldnt have even noticed...

because youre not one of us...

all this time, it seemed that my suspicions were on the dot...

you and her...

maybe its meant to be like this...

im stupid to say this...

but i feel that im going to cry myself to sleep... again...

and all the times that i have done that...

i have cried myself to sleep all because of a guy...

i hate myself for being like this...

i know im better than this...

but right now, it seems that everyones going away... everything doesnt seem to have a future anymore...

and i just dont want to let go...

for those who know me personally...

you might find this weird...

but as im typing this...

tears are flowing down my eyes...

---

"sige, you won... i guess tama ka pala... ambisyoso lang pala ako"...

i have to accept it...

this time i know i have to...

why?

i always ask myself...

why do you have to be soooo darn "friendly"?

i know youre just being playful in a friend-kind of way...

but have you not thought about how much it drives me nuts...

how much i want to say the things that i want to say, yet i cannot...

* sigh *

you drive me up the wall and i hate it...

and yet.. i anticipate every moment that we talk...

yes... i do...

how i wish youd now how i feel...

but im scared, that id lose whatever thing we have...

whatever it maybe, its something im happy to have...

im through hiding behind smiles...

i want you to know..

i really do...

im sad for a friend, well acquaintance..

i hold them both in such high regards that i dream of molding my own relationship with theirs...

hey, if you get to read this...

i hope that everything between you guys works out...

and though i know were not that really close, but i can always lend an ear...

just got my new toy last friday...

and its been just 4 days, but ive totally fallen for my motorola z6...

the best thing about this is that it comes with a motorola bluetooth stereo headset s9...

* hay * love *

here are pics of the phone (taken from the net)... will replace when i get a chance to take pictures of my new toy...



by the way... since ive got a new toy...

this makes me reminisce on the list of mobiles that ive gone through the years...


"addict ba?"

23 days left to 25 to be 25...

26 days left to loneliness...

* sigh *

you know who you are
...
..
.

---

Just So You Know
Jesse McCartney

I shouldn't love you,
But I want to
I just can't turn away
I shouldn't see you
But I can't move
I can't look away

And I don't know
How to be fine when I'm not
Cause I don't know
How to make the feeling stop
Just so you know

This feeling's taking control of me
And I can't help it
I won't sit around
I can't let him win now
Thought you should know
I tried my best to let go of you
But I don't want to
I just gotta say it all before I go
Just so you know

It's getting hard to
Be around you
There's so much I can't say
Do you want me to have the feelings?
And look the other way

And I don't know
How to be fine when I'm not
Cause I don't know
How to make the feeling stop
Just so you know

This feeling's taking control of me
And I can't help it
I won't sit around
I can't let him win now
Thought you should know
I tried my best to let go of you
But I don't want to
Just gotta say it all before I go. (Just so you know)

This emptiness is killing me
I'm wonderin' why I've waited so long
Looking back I realize
It was always there
Just never spoken
I'm waiting here
Been waiting here

Just so you know
This feeling's taking control of me
And I can't help it
I won't sit around
I can't let him win now
Thought you should know
I tried my best to let go of you
But I don't want to
Just gotta say it all before I go
Just so you know
(Whoa, Just so you know,
Whoa, Thought you should know)

I tried my best to let go of you
But I don't want to
Just gotta say it all before I go
Just so you know

Just so you know

it was a simple, non-important in-passing-conversation...

you asked for something...

i said, "sure... its ok... "

you asked again, making sure that i didnt need it...

again i said, "its ok... ill just wait for someone here to finish..."

i was about to give it you, when your hand brush against mine...

i felt a tingle... a "kilig"...

its really weird... really really weird...

you make me feel things that my boyfriend doesnt...

is it because im deeply infatuated with you?

but how come... im deeply in love with my bf...

is it just that im a natural cheater?

today just makes things with you more vague...

stranger...

and yet, i anticipate every "interaction" we have...

wishing that you would just notice me...

im running my mouth off again... and im sure as hell am asking for trouble...

but i really dont care...

go ahead...

say what you will...

ill just enjoy the ride...

ok...

so my weekend was somewhat bad... somewhat good...

but i aint gonna babble about that... hehehe

lets just leave it as the way it was...

well im going to make "kwento" everything on our barkada's next meet up...

so i think i might end up writing the whole thing sometime this week...

anyway...

yesterday was a wet one...

on my way to the gym... my shoe got wet... and my socks got soaked.... crap...

i really need to upgrade my work shoes... hmmm...

so... at the gym... i started off doing my normal routine...

treadmill, weights...

bike...

usually i have this "kasabay" when i go biking... shes one of the foreign clients in the gym...

i think shes american, but her features boast of european (german) descent...

anyway, shes one of the very few people in the gym who "verbally" (and physically) acknowledges how much weight i loss...

so yesterday i was biking... i was halfway through my biking routine when she finished hers...

i was startled when all of a sudden she goes to my side, and says...

"i didnt recognize you... i really didnt recognize you..." all the while she was shaking her head...

"youve really shrunk..." then does a squeezing-a-wet-towel gesture...

i laughed at the thought of not being recognized... but i found it "validating" that people really notice...

what made that gym session a bit more weird was when in the resistance area, i saw faith...

she waved back and called me...

and said the same thing...

"i couldnt recognize you that much... blah blah blah..."...

i dont know if its the hair (yeah, ive reverted back to my old hair style because it becoming long again... but dont fret, im gonna have my haircut on thursday or friday... )

or that ive really dropped alot...

well i know ive dropped alot... as of last saturday, (2 weeks after i had my routine re-assessed), ive dropped almost 9 to 10 lbs... i started my new routine with a whopping gym-weight of 180.+ lbs... i had my BMI taken last saturday... and lo and behold, ive dropped to 171.+ lbs...

wooohooo!!!

at this rate, ill be wearing tighter clothes by christmas... lolz....

hahaha

hmmm i seem to be tooo perky this tuesday morning... * wonders *

i just hope that NOTHING ruins my tuesday... * hopes *

* grins big *

i tell people this...

its a dream...

just magnified to unimaginable proportions...

i know its a far-fetched idea...

but i really want to become a somebody... a famous somebody...

a model or a singer or a designer... just somebody famous...

i dont want to be some random face in the crowd anymore...

i guess we all have this "frustration" within us...

asking all the time, why the world doesnt give us a break...

if youre not that, then... well i dont know...

maybe its just that im such an envious person...

the point is...

"pangarap kong maging sikat..."

and i know this might sound bad...

but i feel that ive got a lot to prove...

i feel the need to prove them wrong...

and the only way i know how is by "achieving" my dream...

right now... ive lost a lot of weight... and its amazing...

i guess thats just the start of things...

i do hope that ill take off someday...

* sigh *

Apologize
Timbaland feat Onerepublic

I’m holding on your rope

Got me ten feet off the ground
And I’m hearing what you say
But I just can’t make a sound
You tell me that you need me
Then you go and cut me down
But wait...
You tell me that you’re sorry
Didn’t think I’d turn around and say..

That it’s too late to apologize, it’s too late
I said it’s too late to apologize, it’s too late

I’d take another chance, take a fall, take a shot for you
And I need you like a heart needs a beat
(But that's nothing new)
Yeah yeah

I loved you with a fire red, now it’s turning blue
And you say
Sorry like the angel heaven let me think was you
But I’m not afraid

It’s too late to apologize, it’s too late
I said it’s too late to apologize, it’s too late
Woahooo woah

It’s too late to apologize, it’s too late
I said it’s too late to apologize, it’s too late
I said it’s too late to apologize, yeah yeah
I said it’s too late to apologize, a yeah

I’m holding on your rope
Got me ten feet off the ground...

if ever that me and bryan dont get to meet this saturday...

this saturday will mark our one month of not seeing each other...

galing noh?

---

I understand that hes been busy lately...

I get that...

Hes been working on his requirements for working abroad...

Yeah he's working abroad...

I dont know what will happen to us...

Its funny... because he keeps on asking me... "Arent you happy for me?" (pertaining to him, well being able to work abroad on a cruise ship)

Of course I am...

But theres a huge huge part of me... that is sad...

i cant even quantify how sad I am...

For me, its kinda stupid asking someone if they feel alright after having a rock hit you on the head...

Thing is, he gets "disappointed" that Im sad...

Is he for real?

Fuck it...

---

I got around to call him after his "sweet" text awhile ago...

I couldnt hold on whats inside...

I wanted to tell him... "Kung gusto, may paraan... kung ayaw may dahilan..."

I told him that... though I rephrased it a bit...

What happened made my head spin...

First, he told me na he was saddened that I would think that...

Second, he wanted to end our conversation...

Third, I ended up saying sorry for something (that I guess wasnt really my fault to begin with)...

Fourth, I was "begging" for him to meet up on saturday (though he already promised, for the nth time, that we would)

Fifth, he dropped the phone on me in the middle of our conversation...

he dropped it...

as if he didnt care...

there was a point after this incident that I felt like I didnt care...

but I did...

I was scared that our saturday meet up wouldnt push through...

I was concerned that he was "pissed"...

I am pissed...

Pissed at how he makes me feel...

Pissed at how he turns the tables around on me...

Pissed at how he treats me...

I love my boyfriend...

But if this is just a stage in our "relationship"... I want this stage to end...

I hate feeling miserable...

But then, with him... Ill be like that...

without him, Ill be still like that...

Fuck it...

Is the pain all worth it?

Are you worth it?

Before Id say yes, in a heartbeat...

Now... I really dont know...

ok...

wasnt really in the mood to write something here...

and im still not in the mood...

because, one, apparently ive been spreading alot of negativity on my bloggie =(...

and i think its time to put that to rest for awhile...

try to change things up a bit...

and second, if im gonna write something, its just going to be the same thing
over and over again...

boyfriend stuff, crush stuff, gym stuff...

and i think for some of my readers out there (if there are any) my rants and raves
are getting a bit old already...

so anyway, i was blog-hopping...

dropped by tiggatigzs' (click at your own risk; blog is not-safe-for-work) blog...

now for me (and i guess other gay people), i place tigz and pooh on a pedestal
because theyre just sooooo darn perfect...

theres no big complication, except for the occasional work stuff that interferes with their
life stuff...

i envy them...

i wish that whoever i end up with...

we'll be just like tigz and pooh..

* sigh *

one can only dream...

im falling out of love with you because you leave me with no choice...

and im falling in love with someone who i know for a fact is friggin' straight...

the hell with it...

i really want to ask you out...

just need the guts to do it...

* slaps self *

im sorry...

i dont usually curse this much...

pero...

tangina mo...

tangina mo talaga...

i cant believe you can say that you love me...

and yet, you can resist not seeing me...

nakakaya mo yon?

miss mo ba talaga ako?

mahal mo ba talaga ako?

so...

"nagparamdam ka na..."

i shrugged you off...

normally i wouldnt...

but im still pissed...

you didnt even say sorry...

---

but then again...

at least now i can breathe a bit better...

knowing that were still ok...

knowing that i still mattered...

knowing that you still love me...

but that short phone call wasnt enough...

i hope you know that...

you owe me big time...

its not a big secret that my relationship with my boyfriend is on the rocks...

i dont even know why...

its been 3 days already... and i still have no text from him...

i still dont even know why he didnt come-by last saturday...

a friend told me that "this might be the end for us..."

well maybe...

i dont know...

i guess im ready to let go...

but i know i cant...

i love my boyfriend too much...

then again...

when i weigh everything, the pros and the cons of our relationship...

the cons outweigh the pros...

* sigh *

i dont know...

i guess i have to wait and see...

---

on the other side of the fence...

with all my emotions being tossed from left to right...

im left to be vulnerable...

my "relationship" with you has been in a stand-still until a couple of weeks ago...

we started to catch each others eye again...

we started to talk, although not as much as we did before...

that was enough with me...

enough to make me smile again...

enough to make me realize that there could be a possibility...

maybe im just imagining things...

over-compensating the lack of "kilig" my boyfriend gives me...

today was no different...

i thought that this day would go by without me being able to talk to you...

we started to exchange smiles...

we started to steal glances...

i liked how it felt...

that was enough, really...

then came the icing on top of the cake...

with a silly silly way to start a conversation...

you invited me for something and i declined...

i normally wouldnt, but i was dead-tired already...

we got a bit lost in the conversation...

and it started with you saying...

"ang dami ng butas ng puso ko..." (yes... cheesy...)...

i laughed, chuckled, saying... "ha? what? cheesy... grabe..."

you walked away, laughing...

i was done with what i was doing...

i approached you... "hindi lang ikaw ang may butas sa puso noh.."

"di ko naman sinabi na ako eh... ikaw..."

then giggled...

i walked away with an enormous smile plastered on my face...

i tried hiding it... but i just couldnt...

i was "kinikilig"...

that word-spatter probably meant nothing... i dont know...

were you flirting with me? or am i just assuming again?

am i setting myself up to look stupid?

i want to ask you alot of questions...

what do you mean by that? the things that you said before?

would me saying that "i miss talking to you" affect whatever we have?

would me telling you the truth on how i feel change us?

theres alot really...

i want to take a chance... but its a big risk...

---

sorry bryan... i dont know why things between us are going nowhere...

i thought we had a future...

guess i was wrong...

i want to say sorry to you because, your giving me no choice...

each day that you dont text me...

each day that youre absent in my life...

your making me fall-out-of-love with you...

somebody is filling a void that youve neglected to fill...

im saddened by that fact... because its you, and still is, the one that i wanted to fill that void...

come back...

i need to know the answers before i take a huge leap...

i guess things will never be the same again...

in a few months time, i wont be able to start or end sentences with the phrase...

"...my boyfriend..."

i dont know...

ive been hurt...

ive been sad...

ive had enough...

i just wish things would be better for me...

but i guess that is even too much to ask...

even now, that ive changed...

i still get the same rejection...

am i that really repulsive that i cant attract anyone?

i know im not like the pretty-boys, the hunk-boys...

i never will be...

and it sucks...

fuck...

i hate how things arent working out for me...

i hate it that i never get what i really want...

i think i deserve a better life...