the status (so far)

october 29, 2010 - big fish's annual cream ball,

that was the last time i partied...

and before that...

i think it was the annual mid-year Pride party in malate...

there were alot of in-between 'drinking' sessions at the ultralounge...

its quite a long time since i hanged out with my friends...

and i terribly miss them...

i dunno... i dont have any issues really with partying or drinking or

even with my friends...

but i guess, either my perspective or priorities have shifted...

i know my friends will always be there...

the parties will always be there...

the booze will always be there...

im not getting old...

age is not an issue with me...

as far as im concerned, i will never allow myself to get old...

anyway going back, i think now it boiled down to...

what else will make me happy...

and i think you and i know what my main focus in life now is...

though it will be another year...

i am hoping that next year, ill be back partying...

but i also hope that next year, what i wish for will come true...

the same old story

its the same old story...

meet someone...

exchange messages...

set up a date...

still more exchanges of messages...

occasional calls...

go on a date...

exchange pleasantries...

and if by some stroke of luck,

you end up making out or more...

after that, you think everythings ok...

you think that this guy is different...

and that its all going to work out well...

then things change...

there are no more calls...

there are no more exchange of messages...

they disappear of all a sudden...

some come back and give you excuses...

and eventually you become just friends...

while others don't even care at all..

this has been my story...

my same old sad story...

* sigh *

giving up

ive never figured myself to be the type who would give up on love

ive always been hopeful and has always believed that my time for love will come

but ive been hurt so many times

that im blinded with all the negativity

and

hopelessness,

and im hanging on to hope with a single finger...

im just about ready to give up...

=(

irony

funny how the word gay is used to describe people like me

and yet we find ours 'kind' sad most of the time...

unchanged...

funny how time flies so fast...

people grow-up..

people change...

some get married...

some have kids...

some chase their dreams...

some become successful...

and yet i find myself standing in the middle of it all...

unchanged...

i seem to be stuck in this hole of contentment...

im not...

i feel helpless though...

because whatever i do, i just seem to miserably fail at it...

im no total failure...

i have 'small' achievements in life...

but compared to what MOST have...

im at the bottom of the pack...

and what ive achieved so far...

are but mere specks in the bigger scheme of things...

i am unchanged...

and i wonder...

when will i turn the corner...

i need change...

a drastic one...

i need one fast...

mistakes

i could cry with every mistake ive made but mistakes are there to remind us how human we are and how better we can be

- daemon

the good guy

id like to believe that good guys get what they justly deserve...

but the world doesnt work that way...

in this fucked up world, good guys finish last...

and commonly (borrowing something from Batman: The Dark Knight)

if youve been the good guy for a long time, you end up seeing yourself

throwing the towel and just turning your coat over and be the bad guy...

=(

i wish the world would just flip over and things would change...

i used to be a good guy...

and lately...

i dont know what i am...

* sigh *

the opposite of everything

i've waited a long time for someone i could fall in love with

i've watied for the moment that i could sing to you all the love songs in the world

you came and everything seemed all right

but now im afraid to say it

but theres a song playing in my head

and its not the one i expected that i would sing to you

the tears i would see are not the ones that i anticipated

and i dont know how to make everything alright

...

talks shit about a lot of people

because i have balls to stand up

and get right in front of their faces

...

i am unapologetic,

brutally honest

and fearless

...

this is what makes me more than ordinary

this is what makes me real...

leave it to me

apparently i was wrong...

i wasnt the strong-willed...

know-it-all guy...

i thought i knew how to handle things...

i though i knew how it is to 'love'...

apparently i dont...

i though i was always the victim...

now im a fiend...

the one thing i promised myself to not become...

sigh...

leave it to me to fuck things up...

=(

to this, i say im sorry...

post election thoughts...

may 10 2010...

the first ever automated elections in the Phil...

with majority of Filipinos taking responsibility for the

well being of their country, yesterday - i think was a huge

turnout for new/old voters...

despite the heat, unorganized handling of voters, voting location

(at least in my precinct) and rude (common) people...

i pushed on so i can vote...

a good couple of hours after the polling precincts closed, there

were already partial results...

i voted for GIBO...

it seems he's trailing behind the front-runners AQUINO and

* gasps * ESTRADA...

sad really...

but we HAVE to RESPECT the voice of the majority...

i opened my FB this morning, as with any morning =)...

lo and behold...

many are already sour-graping...

many are already expressing 'disgust' at the result...

i even saw one post this on his fb...

'I'm on the side of the losing election party. Wahahahaha.'

Now thats narrow thinking...

i think it would be better for us to 'support' the winning candidates...

and also, whats this i hear about people who DIDNT vote...

but are already complaining on the process and the results...

fuck off..

you dont have ANY right...

if youve only done your fair share then things might and possibly be different..

...

...

so i say...

lets stop pulling each other down...

stop 'complaining' and actually do something 'productive' about it...

do something 'positive'...

gawd....

ive seen enough 'people power' and revolt in my lifetime...

what i want to see now is 'progress' for this country...

looking back

ok...

see here...

despite all my drama about NO guy liking me...

well, i guess there's no truth there...

there are...

those who see me in a different light...

trust me to appreciate them...

i do...

i have this guilt whenever i unintentionally hurt peoples feelings...

anyway...

lately it seems that most guys who i have left 'hanging'...

have found someone...

it leads me to think that this is kharma for being too choosy...

for having too high standards...

true...

i do...

its no excuse to say, but ive always set 'HIM' as the basis...

'HE' is the standard that i compare guys too...

yeah, guess im not over him...

i never really was...

'HE' has everything that im looking for in a guy...

besides the physical attributes...

hes funny...

hes real...

hes humble...

hes dedicated...

and i think id feel safe with him...

the sad part is...

everything i feel isnt mutual...

holding on to 'HIM' hasnt been alot of help...

in meeting new guys...

in moving on...

i try...

believe me...

guess what im trying to say...

looking back...

i havent moved on...

yet..

i just dont know when ill be able to...

or who will be that one person to make me forget about 'HIM'...

* sigh *

oddity

i may sound bitter with what im about to say...

but its the honest truth...

on observation...

i wonder why some hot straight guys...

go for a little less than mediocre girls/guys...

i just dont get it...

cliche to say, it must be love...

oh pish-tosh...

our brains are wired to be initially physically attracted...

i get that...

so in the order of things...

i know where im leveled on...

but puhlease...

come on...

i personally know of two straight good looking guys...

who have far less than mediocre girl-friends...

one of the girls aint bad...

but far from his level...

the other one...

good lord...

lets just say she doesnt even meet the standards of what

is average...

read - fat, dark and so classless...

fine... im bitter...

this goes the same for guys who have ugly boyfriends...

gawd...

at some level i just cannot fathom the fact...

geez...

and i wonder why im single...

give me enough credit...

i guess i have a right to stand on my own soapbox every now and then...

...

...

its an oddity i tell you...

a strange occurrence of nature...

* bitter *

bittersweet fridays...

my fridays are bittersweet...

friday signals the end of the tiring and long work week...

but also,

friday signals the start of two lonely days...

=(

* sigh *

the thing with karma...

ive always believed in the concept of karma...

but lately it seems that karma is not working the way its s'posed to...

its either that or the world is just fucked up that it allows those
who don't deserve to get 'good' karma...

i think the world is fucked up...

i mean come on, cheaters, players... those that deserve 'bad'
karma - are those the ones that actually get more 'guys'...

i dont wash my hands off anything ive done before...

but compared to most of the 'friends' i know... what ive done
is incomparable to what they've done...

i despise people who lie and those who cheat... and those
who think its ok to do so...

and yet, these are the same people who get to have it all...

and it sucks...

so much...

why cant i have what 'they' have...

dont i deserve a reward for being by-the-book?

for being a relatively good guy...

im going to be selfish and say - yes...

karma... work with me, why dont you...

come on... all im asking for are a couple of breaks...

come on...

please...

being lonely doesnt sit well with me...

it just doesnt...

* sigh *

unchanged...

for the past few months...

i thought that i have changed...

i though life finally gave me a break...

well i thought wrong...

life still plays favorites...

those that have - get more...

and it frustrates me to the core...

dont i deserve that?

just a little bit of what i want...

what i need...

is that too much too ask?

* sigh *

at the other end...

lately i find myself at the other end...

it seems nice to be on this side..

even for awhile...

though its strange...

and i really dont know what to do...

i have this 'try-to-please-attitude'...

so i just cant put myself to do that...

but now i understand 'why'...

its weird...

not that im complaining or anything..

but this is what it feels to be...

at the other end...

the way things are...

so its been 4 mos since i started with my work...

also a month of moving back and forth from our office in makati

to another office in mandaluyong...

the first few times was a complete struggle...

i could never leave makati...

the sights, sounds, smell...

the people...

its different...

ive always said that makati is my new york...

and most people would agree it is...

so the thought of leaving makati is a bit too hard...

but, the work i do is really growing on me...

im slowly slowly learning the ropes...

and its fun...

this is a strange feeling for me...

especially with regards to work...

ive never been the type to be this 'concerned' with work before...

maybe i like the people at my office...

maybe i just respect them that much...

i like what i do now...

strange as it is...

this is completely different...

its weird...

but its just the way things are...

=)

hey you...

i miss you...

i really really miss you...

just even the thought...

i guess what i say is really different from what i feel...

i guess im still holding on...

but i know i shouldnt...

i love you...

i still do...

and that will never ever change...