Saturday, May 31, 2008

sigh

its just one of those days...

where i feel so alone...

where i feel worthless...

where i feel hopeless...

---

its been awhile...

and i miss talking about the thing that weighs down my heart...

i miss what was once the thing that made me happy...

it still does...

but now it also makes me sad...

what used to be hopeful..

is now hopeless...

---

i expected this...

luck doesnt flow through me like water on a river...

i knew it was all too good to be true...

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

photographer wanted...

heres the thing...

i had fun with the whole commercial shoot thingie...

and it got me thinking...

it doesnt hurt to try right?

then again...

rejection isnt really my cup of tea...

hmmm...

i think i wanna do this again...

i wanna have some set-cards made...

i wanna build a portfolio...

go to casting-calls...

hmmm..

what do you think?

do i have a chance in 'THE' industry?

---

confidence is the key...

but i know where i stand * thinks *

---

seriously, anyone care to give me a free photoshoot so i can build a portfolio...

* hints * hints *

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

correction....

so'ok... just found out about something for toms' shoot...

there are 16 of us...

and I think only 1 will be chosen...

* scared *

* hopeful *

damn it... the pressure is on...

* sigh *

wish me luck...

Sunday, May 25, 2008

happenings - part 3

yesterday...

went out with the bru's...

the usual pack...

me, jason, mark and james... plus sim and norman...

in addition to that, we had jr, joseph and pat...

had dinner at Kitchen... just ate pasta... whcih was amazingly delicious...

i loves me some shitake mushroom...

afterwards, we went to see Indiana Jones : The Kingdom of the Crystal Skulls...

so'ok...

I honestlly didnt have any expectations about the movie...

although, word has been going around that the movie doesnt deliver...

thing is Im a lucas-fanboy... no matter how bad the review is... Ill watch it...

and even after the movie... I still am a fanboy...

I loved the movie.. * history/conspiracy buff here *

though, one thing bothers me...

the last part of the movie...

where the crystal skull was returned...

where the saucer destroys the hidden valley...

that was far-fetched... lucas, speilberg and the writers went haywire on that one...

tsk tsk tsk...

like when lucas went haywire with jar-jar binks in episode 1...

but all in all... the movie was awesome...

first instinct after the movie was... ehrm... hmmm...

well second instinct was - I wish I was online so I could 'read-on' more about the crystal skulls, nazca lines, el-dorado...

* screams geek *

---

after the movie, bru's decided to head on to malate to go to Bed...

ok... I must admit, at first I was hesitant...

because Im just not into the whole bar scene... well not yet...

as I was about to learn from that night.. I proved myself wrong...

so of we went to Sim and Normans place... they changed clothes and off we went to Malate...

around 1:30am... we got there...

one could see the multitude of guys there...

there were alot of cuties, hotties and the rest...

after 20-30 mins after arriving... we got in Bed (thanks to Marks friend)...

got in... reviewed the crowd...

went up a couple of minutes after and freshened up...

it was really really interesting...

I couldnt stop my eyes from wandering from one side of the room to another...

there was just a plethora of guys...

and I dont know if it was just me...

but I caught a couple of guys looking...

hmm... me thinks why theyre looking...

Id like to think that they were looking at me for all the right reasons...

and not just because I was dressed weird, I had two relatively small pimple on my forehead, or because I just didnt look good enough for the place...

fast forward...

some beat-hopping... some walking...

went down near the stage... found our spot and continued to beat-hop a bit more...

while going through the crowd, someone happened to find me amongst the crowd...

it was Joel (blogger)...
hey joel!...

anyway while beat-hopping something weird happened...

now I know it might be common to some of you guys who go to Bed... but this thing doesnt reguarly happen to me...

while beat-hopping... i suddenly felt two set of arms wrap around my waist...

at first I didnt turn around... I was thinking that they might have probably mistaken me for their kasama...

until... this girl, arianne introduced herself... pleasantries were exchanged... the usual, whats your name and stuff...

she then proceeded to introduce the guy (to which I happen to forget his name)... same thing same thing... whats your name, what school do you go to, who you with... blah blah blah...

as all of this was happening... i couldnt believe it...

i really couldnt...

i dont know what to think... was this guy hitting on me... i really dont know...

but that really brought me up...

ego-wise...

makes me think that I do have something to offer...

I am 'marketable' and 'single'...

damn...

* kapal *

no seriously...

so around 4am... we all decided to head-out...

the whole thing was amazing...

now I know what Ive been missing out on...

so I guess from this day on...

whenever the bru's are going out...

Im definitely coming along...

* heres to more gimiks with you guys *

* plus the company was awesome *

* cheers to all *

happenings - part 2

last Friday evening, as with every Friday evening...

me and some gym friends went out for dinner...

its fun hanging out with those guys eventhough im not yet that close with most of them...

its becoming a habit already...

and it feels nice to be one of them...

god that sounded soooo highschool...

anyway while eating dinner...

i got a text from my ex...

heres what transpired in our exchange of messages (well after some deletions)...

ex : hi gerald. kamusta ka na?

me : hey! kamusta ka rin? ito im doing ok naman kahit papano... kakatapos ko lang mag-workout... dinner ako kasama mga gym friends ko...

ex : ah ganon ba... ito work pa rin. pero lipat na ako sa ibang company by june 15... uwian na ako sa pampangga ngaun... pero pag naka-settle in na ulit... hahanap na lang ako ng place na malapit sa papasukan ko... kamusta na kau bago mo bf?

me : thats good news bryan... at least tuloy tuloy na naman ang work mo... ha? ano ka ba? hanggang ngayon pa 'yon pa rin isip mo... well just so you know, wala po akong bf...

ex : ganon ba... sige ge, text text n lang... matutulog na kasi ako... Nga pala miss na kita.

me : ok. good night bryan.

after texting with him...

I couldnt help but think about how he really is...

and I thought if I still loved him...

I think my heart would tell you that it still has feelings for him (even after what happened between us)...

but my head is me telling differently...

when I told Mark about my ex texting me...

he made 'biro' about me getting back with my ex...

I thought, yeah... possible... but no more...

I dont want to go thru the difficulty our relationship had before...

enough...

Ive started to move on...

and actually, I think Im moving on to where I moved on after Bryan...

* scratches head *

but its funny to think that now it seems how less I think about getting back with my ex...

* thinks of meeting new guys, better than my ex *

* heres to dating *

continued on next post...

happenings - part 1

so...

ive been talking alot about this shit that im...

that im having a weird streak of luck...

im one to 'question' it...

i find it weird actually...

but maybe here it is...

its finally on my lap...

things that i have been 'wanting' for...

its all slowly falling into place...

---

it was a month ago when a trainor friend from gym told me about this casting call...

one of his clients is associated with monaco, a modeling agency in makati...

they were holding a casting call for guys and girls who were on the heavy side before and now have slimmed down for
Fit and Right...

trainor friend told me to give him a couple of my before and after pics so that he could extend it to his client...

fast track to saturday... i was called for a VTR...

went to the agency at around 2:00 pm... dressed in office-wear (think, semi-fitted black polo long-sleeves, semi-fitted brown trousers and black leather shoes)...

i was so nervous... fearing that when i get there, id be faced with amazing looking people...

so i got there, waited around in the lobby... i felt like i didnt belong there...

my name was called... and marlon greeted me...

he asked me to follow him to have my make-up done...
seriously, im gay... but having foundation on my face was really weird...

so... on to the VTR...

it went pretty well... although I wished I could have expounded more on the things that they were asking about...

I remember being asked, "Do you drink Fit and Right?"

I answered, "I... I honestly do..."

that was literally a "double-palm-in-the-face" moment...

It sounded fake... where I do in fact religiously drink Fit and Right like its more important than water...

on weekdays, I take it 3 to 4 times a day (breakfast,lunch,pre-gym,post-dinner)... and on weekends, I take it 3 times a day (breakfast,lunch,pre-gym or post-dinner)...
seriously...

after that weekend... I never did get feedback from the agency...

so I just assumed that I did not get it... =(

disappointed a bit... but I was greatly flattered that they considered me...

it isnt really everyday when common-folk like me get invited for such...

so two weeks ago, I get the news that Marlon was looking for me... telling me that they would be getting the result a week after...

* puts me into overdrive again... thinking... hoping *

then last tuesday... after a lunch out session with pam and dec in PBCOM...

i bumped into marlon and the other guy (who im assuming is the manager of the agency)...

they told me to keep may 27-28 open for a shoot and to give them a couple more before pictures...

at first the news didnt sink in...

as i walked away...

i couldnt believe my ears...

i was soooooo excited...

fast track to friday... was in a department meeting when i got a text message from Marlon...

"Sa wednesday na ang shoot mo ha"

ZOMG...

my jaw literally dropped...

hahaha...

if I wasnt in a meeting that time, I would have done a cart-wheel...

even though theres this sort of confirmation...

I am still crossing my fingers...

pessimistic side of me makes me want to believe that theres a catch...

but its a 50-50 thing... right?

continued on next post...

wishing for a weekend-do-over...

loved my weekend...

thanks sooooo much bru's...

cant wait for the next one...

sigh...

im now wishing for a weekend-do-over...

* take me back 12 hours ago *

* take me back 12 hours ago *

Saturday, May 24, 2008

...

good things come to those who wait...

are you freaking with me?

i dont know if its just a streak of luck thats come on to me...

i find it weird...

strange...

is it all for real?

well whatever this is...

ill take it...

gladly take it...

guess that break i was asking for finally came...

* crosses fingers *

Thursday, May 22, 2008

bitchin'

im not one to back-down...

especially when i know im right...

and when i know i cant take them down...

of course...

thinking that today would be ok... i was proven wrong...

i couldnt believe that they are making a mountain out of a mole-hill...

then again, i dont even know if they understand the analogy to the situation...

i dont know...

i have this thing with my people in the office...

i dont treat them as my equal...

especially when their lifestyle is a bit different from mine...

its kinda bad on my part...

but hey...

we all have our own perceptions about stuff...

i find myself not getting along with them...

and because of that... i exert extra effort to make 'pakisama'...

thing is, there are just some people who dont deserve

being made 'pakisama'...

to be respected...

respect is earned... not demanded...

you dont go around making yourself known as the 'siga' of the department...

no honey... that doesnt work...

who you trying to intimidate? me?

funny... i never was intimidated...

i just found you to be a big bully that i can pull down...

'watch your tone?' you say...

sorry, this is the way i talk... got a problem with it?

bring it on...

and to you guys...

is Php 300.00 that of a big deal?

good lord man...

in the first place, we never gave you the option to make an option...

what we asked from you guys was to choose an option from the one presented...

but no...

you thought we gave you the freedom to do whatever with your share...

ehrm, last i checked... there wasnt any...

i blow-off whenever i feel 'stepped-on'...

and whenever that happens...

my mouth gets the best of me...

and usually i tend to say stuff that 'hurts'...

im not apologizing... i meant every single word...

i actually forgot to say 'mga-takaw-sa-pera'...

god...

you guys make my blood boil...

and ehrm...

united? ang IT dept ng generali?

really? since when?

i didnt get the news-letter...

and oh btw...

i think YOU forgot to add a letter to your title...

(A)OIC ka right? Acting Officer-In-Charge...

yeah right...

id wipe that title on my dogs poo...

its more of

(F)OIC - Feeling Officer-In-Charge...

---

Im having mixed feelings about going to work tom...

Im worried because i will never be looked at the same again...

But then again, Im excited... because I have this strange attraction to tension...

Its like I thrive in it...

It has been awhile since Ive had enemies...

I guess now is as good as any time to have one...

Ive made enemies in the office... and this is just the start...

Im not actually worried...

Do as you please bitches...

When you hit me... Ill hit back thrice as hard...

You'll see...

Konichiwa Bitches...

amazing...

though my bet didnt win...

im still happy with the result...

this has been the most equal AI season ever...

kudos to the top 2...

the show was amazing...

amazing...

ammmmmaaaaaaaazzzzzziiiiiiiinnnnnnnnggggg....

woooohooooo!!!

Friday, May 16, 2008

someone passed a text message to me this morning...

"its amazing how you continue to love someone you should not...

maybe because trying to stay away would hurt...

so you might as well take the risk...

because either way you would get hurt anyway."

* ouch *

appropriate much? yeah...

hits me right on the spot...

so i ask..

should i take the risk?

actually it doesnt matter...

ive already been hurt...

still hurting...

losing hope...

whats to lose?

the friendship?

is it worth to lose the friendship?

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

otherly world...

bored as always...

heres what im staring at right now...

and otherly world that screams creative-ness...


and yet im bored...

must be the work-environment...

good lord... im really really not built to be in a corporate environment...

down with the 8-5 job normalcy...

* thinks *

* cracks plan to fill cubicle with drawings *

nyahahaha...

Monday, May 12, 2008

somethings wrong...

thoughts...

something doesnt feel right...

i dont feel right...

maybe its what im wearing right now...

somehow i feel bloated...

* bullemia knocks *

ehrm...

mindset...

think sexy... thing sexy...

damn it...

that made me think about something / someone else...

Sunday, May 04, 2008

status

i think im ready...

more open to getting rejected...

more open to getting hurt...

but whats a few scars...

when it means that i'll meet that someone...

that one person...

who will make me feel that warm fuzzy feeling again...

this is it...

no more insecurities...

no more feeling of worthlesness...

but i know id fumble...

but ill get up again...

no ones perfect...

right?

---

which reminds me...

theres this 'quote' that i came across in a profile i was browsing...

i may not be perfect to everyone...
but someone out there might find perfection in me...
it might take long for him to find me...
but im willing to wait...

how i wish i could be this optimistic...

Saturday, May 03, 2008

randomness part 1

the past few weeks have been pretty hard on me...

maybe... i dont know really...

theres alot that has happened thats really testing me...

-----

im at that stage of my life where i dont want to spend my weekends stuck in the house...

i used to love the idea of just staying in for the weekend...

back when i was with someone...

but it leave it to me to screw things up...

yes i take the blame for that...

but i know i shouldnt...

anyway...

so ive been going out for the last couple of weekends...

one weekend was spent with college friends...

one weekend was spent with gym friends (well in a way)...

and a majority of those was spent alone...

at first, saturday nights alone were good... it brought me back to those days

when being alone was good... (did that make any sense...)

but two weeks ago, i hit rock-bottom...

it was around 9pm when i started fixing up to go to gb3...

got there at around 930pm... parked myself in seatles and started to read...

it was actually relaxing...

until my eyes wandered away to the people around the coffee shop...

i dont know if fate was 'teasing' me...

but there were alot of guys (straight and PLUs) with dates...

and how i envy them...

the night didnt really go well for me...

i ended up going home around 12am...

alone,

and

depressed...

-----

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