09Jan01

so its finally 2009...

i cant wait what it'll bring...

i say come on...

whatever it is...

---

first order of business -

workout all those excess pounds gained during the holidays...

not an impossible feat for me...

since i haven't missed a workout day since the holiday started...

well that's dedication for you...

* ehem * ehem *

and im damn proud of it...

so ready to take on the challenge?

despite it all...

first, thanks are in order...

to everyone who made 2008 one of the best years of my life...

thanks...

i love you guys...

second, despite the drama...

i can still manage to say...

that im looking forward to 2009...

heres to a better 2009...

* cheers * wishes for the best *

final say...

i knew it was all too good to be true...

i think i was played for...

plain and simple...

either that or its just that im the perennial just-a-friend...

things just dont work out for me...

i never get a break...

geez...

come on...

cut me some slack will you...

---

i know its just been a week since we started hanging out...

and it has been too fast...

stupid me...

here i go again...

i started to fall...

* tanga * tanga *

i shouldnt have believed in the idea that this 'straight-cute-guy' would actually like me...

frack...

second night we were s'pose to go out...

and he stood me up... again...

great...

now i find myself drawn to the sound of scoots and motors passing by our house...

hoping its Mr. E...

frack it...

im such a gullible ass...

what a great way to start my 2009...

---

i still fucking deserve better...

...

ive tread on this path before...

it is all too familiar...

i said i never wanted to go through this again...

and yet here i am...

in a very similar situation...

but the feeling is all too good...

and that feeling is once again returned...

how sincere and real, i dont know...

im scared to take my hands of the rope...

i dont want to 'fall' only to experience the same thing again...

thats the bad thing about me...

im gullible for the kindest people...

those that 'appear' to be interested...

but it really really feels good...

and i missed the feeling...

there should be no question on what im supposed to do...

i know i should...

but im struggling...

if only...

that one was real...

what id hope for was real...

i wish that one person would save me...

because i know...

and i believe that...

the 'one' is sincere...

and all these doubts that im feeling...

they would never be revisited...

to take the dive? or go on to the next?

i honestly know the answer...

i just need someone to knock me back to sanity...

move block forward...

last night was a roller coaster of emotions...

i had one of the best nights ever...

i think i got a bit tipsy...

plus...

the guy from my previous post...

Mr. E...

well he made the night for me...

thing is...

he comes along with a lot of baggage...

dunno really what to make of it...

and its driving me nuts...

guess im just overanalyzing it...

and yeah, i still believe he's straight...

* frack *...

* bangs head on wall *...

the night that was...

so i got stood up...

by a straight guy...

a cute one at that...

guess it was all tooooooo good to be true...

now im stuck with a friggin' helmet...

great...

riddled

ok...

so i met this guy...

i would describe him as cute...

he's 5'5,24,has mixed blood (although just 1/16th of it),fair skinned,average to fit body...

lets call him Mr. E

anyway...

its been two nights already... 23rd and 25th, respectively...

the first one, at around 12 midnight...

i met Mr. E at shopwise makati and we hanged out a local bbq place near the area...

then we went for a joyride on his scoot around the village...

Mr. E took me back to my place and hanged a bit more in our garage...

we talked and talked...

from famiy matters to invites to go on a farther joy-ride than makati...
like makati far... =)

finished around 2 am...

the second, we met at around 1130 pm...

we just hanged out in my garage...

Mr. E went here amidst the rain...

and gave me a helmet...

so that he can take me on his scoot when we go out...

talked some more...

we ended at around 1 am...

---

now it would have been seemingly perfect if not for the following reasons...

1) he's straight
2) has 3 kid
3) and an ex-wife...

i would have been totally fine with the following...

after all there are lots of cases of guys doing a complete 180-degrees turn...

but the last ones seem to bother me more...

4) he works as a sales staff for a store in Glorietta and MOA

---

hes a very good kid, him being cute is just icing on the cake...

but with the cons heavily rotating in my head...

i honestly dont know what to make of it...

---

so considering my predicament...

what would you do?

seasons greetings... =)

greeting everyone a merry merry merry merry merry christmas...

hugs and kisses to all...

bothered

i dont know how to say the following in a way that i wouldnt offend anyone...

its just that im bothered...

i dont know...

handling relationships, especially on the level of friendship isnt that hard to do...

all you need is trust...

and belief that your friends have the best of intention for you...

i dont get it why people have to be so negative about every little thing that someone does...

i dont get it why they let themselves be affected by the slightest of things...

its weird...

i never really 'over-analyze' - well not at this level - friendship i mean...

hmmm...

please do consider that im struggling with outing this topic...

i dont have any intentions of hurting someone...

its just that ive been keeping this inside for some time now...

and i just need to let it out...

sorry for this dreary post on such a wonderful holiday...

but hey...

being scrooge...

despite the holiday cheer...

there is this one thing that irks me...

i cant fathom how there are people who freely accept work on a holiday...

i cant fathom how it is when i hear people say 'its in our line of work..."...

fucking retards...

sorry...

I'm just not into the whole working on a holiday thing...

people should learn to work around this month...

no deadlines, no pressures...

its no wonder that they look they way they are...

and also I'm aghast by the fact that some people will go on to continue the vicious cycle...

just because they experienced it in their early years as a developer...

doesn't mean that we have to endure it too...

everyone celebrates christmas...

i cant swallow the fact that people will fore go the holidays in turn for a day in the office...

that's just fucking retarded...

* sigh *

as i write this, I'm in my putting on a fake smile...

the thing that separates me from these fucktards...

is that i don't make work my life...

take my holiday weekdays away you bitches...

but don't dare beg me to go on a weekend...

fact

as the days to christmas gets shorter...

as the cool breeze of the morning air fills the morning...

as the warm rays of the sun takes long to shine on us...

it just gets harder and harder...

...

...

to wake up...

to get up and know that its another day back to normalcy...

...

...

this is me... wishing that the weekend was 3 days long...

...

well me and the rest of the working population...

so far...

so'ok, ive been on writing slump for the past month...

this month aint no different, i guess...

---

lately ive been going out like crazy...

well not like paris-hilton crazy...

but its more often than i used to...

its more of an every saturday thing...

my feet seems to be 'itching' (among other things) to go out...

---

ive been clubbing for the sole purpose of 'meeting' someone...

in the past months that ive gone out...

ive found that that was next to impossible...

makes me question all the hard-work that ive put through at the gym...

hmm...

is it because i dont smile as much?

that or its just that im not 'attractive'?

its weird, how i look forward to clubbing to escape reality...

and yet i dread about going home empty handed...

i know...

i seem to go on forever about this 'situation'...

and the last thing i want my friends to think is how stubborn i am...

but come on...

please please 'indulge' me...

its my reality...

no matter how much friends believe in you...

its how strangers look at me and...

how unlucky a im in the dating department that affects me the most...

i cant be thick-skinned...

not anymore...

not in this aspect...

---

sigh...

on a more happy note...

well...

hmm, i honestly cant think of one...

well the most that i can make out of this season are the parties...

its that one thing that im honestly and purely looking forward too...

having a great time with close friends...

theres none much to say in this part...

* bore * boo * bore *

---

sigh...

...

just to say...

loved the night...

dont know why really...

but this felt different...

nothing really changed though...

but it felt different...

it felt good...

weird...

lines

"There's only two types of people in the world
The ones that entertain, and the ones that observe
Well baby, I'm a put-on-a-show kinda girl (guy)
Don't like the backseat
Gotta be first"

- Britney, Circus

love it...

its sooo bitchy (in a good way)...

and yeah, i belong to the latter... =)

change?

ive been debating for soo long about changing my hairstyle...

i dont know if ill be able to rock "semi-kal" look...

nor would i be able to carry a platinum blonde hair...

i want change...

any suggestions?

im really really leaning on getting a platinum blonde hair...

or at least a shade of blonde...

hahaha...

now this is what i call "lakas-tama"

and the clouds are clear

so....

apparently...

my not doing OT...

is a big issue...

interesting...

very very interesting...

thoughts...

my head constantly wanders...

why is it, now that i have so much friends...

i still feel so alone...

i still feel so invisible...

i still feel unworthy...

why is it, that friends see so much of who i am..

see so much that i can offer as a potential boyfriend...

but to some i just never seem enough...

i know that karma is playing her cards here...

but sue me for being picky...

i worked damn hard for where i a now...

i surely deserve better things...

and I WILL NEVER setlle...

fuck it...

i wish someone would give me a break...

* knocks on air *

you up there...

you heard that?

i deserve a good break...

in everything...

realizations...

there are somethings that we can never be...

no matter how hard we try...

we just cant...

..

..

...

im a patient man...

but recently im really really really growing tired of waiting...

im spent...

and i honestly dont want to take part of it anymore...

'sawa na akong maghintay'...

'sawa na akong umasa sa pagasa'...

---

theres too much expected from me...

and i understand that..

but please do put in your work-filled-mind...

that unlike you...

i live a different life-style...

im YOUNG...

and theres soooooo much that the world can offer....

i dont want to wake up one day and see everything has passed me by...

i dont want to wake up one day and be like the NORMAL, COMMON, EVERYDAY MAN that you guys are contented being with...

im not...

and i never will be...

i am EXTRAORDINARY...

,,,

ok...

i know im 'paulit-ulit na lang' about this...

theres no excuse really...

but i just gots to say...

---

its a given...

satruday night-outs are fun...

i crave for the company...

i crave to go out, dress-up and just dance...

but at the same time, i also 'yearn' to be validated...

its just that noooooooo matter how hard i try...

its just not friggin' enough...

i know its not the place...

but it would be nice to get noticed...

even in a small way...

i fucking deserve better...

damn it...

i fucking deserve the best...

just a thought...

as i was pondering, to which i usually do...

something struck me...

what if two souls, which is androgynous in nature, were meant to be together

but certain circumstances does not allow them to be?

its a sad position to find one-self in...

im trusting my instinct on this one...

and im putting myself out there (as always)...

yes... i have a strong feeling that WE are kindred souls...

soul-mates...

laugh and cringe for all you want...

its what i believe in...

its what BOTH the heart and mind is telling me...

'di na ako natuto'...

yes, ill never learn...

and ill never tell my heart to stop...

thats one thing you should never do...

even when the odds are stacked against you...

im hoping...

i always do...

the first of 26...

so the first of 26...

crashed and burned...

guess i should take the hint...

but 'you' know what hurts?

is that 'you' just never gave me a chance...

as always im left to assume...

there is no closure...

this is the first of 26...

great way of starting it...

positivity...

"If the mind keeps thinking you've had enough
But the heart keeps telling you don't give up
Who are we to be
Questioning, wondering what is what
Don't give up
Through it all just stand up"

- Just Don't Give Up (Various Artists)

i want...

was gadget surfing this morning...

and i came across this two lovely mobiles...


the first one is the Motorola AURA - one word... orgasmic (in all sense of the word)

if it werent for the hefty price tag, id get it... then again... that hasnt stopped me before...

but at its $2,000.00 tag... makes you rethink...

the second one is the HP IPAQ Data Messenger - ipod competitor? We'll see...

but it looks promising...

though my only concern is that its running on WinMo... hmmmmm

not really a WinMo person...

but still both are yum, yum...

* like a fat kid loves cake *

love...

"you know you are in love

when all sense of logic is thrown out the window

and the only thing working in your body is your heart"

...

strange how words go unspoken...

and actions says a lot...

there is hesitation on both sides...

that i can tell...

i dont know if you can...

but this i know, you saw me looking at you...

you saw me looking for you...

and so did i...

its not assumption...

its not something im making up...

not anymore...

though theres no sign of confirmation yet...

im believing what my heart says...

even though a part of it is saying the opposite...

come on...

your actions says a lot...

i know you feel it to...

i havent been talking to you for days...

been giving you the slightest of hints to make you feel that i see you...

but nothing considerably serious...

i know you felt that i was giving you the cold shoulder...

the mere fact that you do...

has to account for something...

i honestly dont know where the rest of the 8 days will take us...

im counting down to something that i probably will regret if everything turns sour...

"magka-aminan na kasi tayo"...

once and for all...

so that whatever needs to be started, will start...

or

whatever needs to end, will end...

ive fallen so deep...

and i dont know if i could ever get pass by that...

i wanna scream out on top of my lungs...

the three words that i want you to hear...

i just hope you would by my savior...

be my angel...

be the one...

a song better late than never...

a gem i found listening to PCD Doll Domination Extended CD...

and yes, it screams to me...

i should take the advice...

i need to love myself more...

i need to accept me more...

no more insecurities?

sure am gonna try...

---

Until U Love U
Nicole Scherzinger

I know sometimes when you see yourself
What you see yourself, is someone not good enough
I know there's times when you feel like, you can do nothing right
And insecurity takes a hold, obscures your vision of your soul
You can't see what's inside, open up your eyes

Take a look in the mirror, you're beautiful
Take a moment to love the one you are
Learn to accept yourself, coz it's the truth
Can't love nobody else, until you love you

I know sometimes it's so hard to keep up your self esteem
Sometimes you can feel so small
And it's so easy to tell yourself, you're not worth much at all
When you're unsure of who you are, and now it's tearin’ you apart
You can't see what is true, change your point of view

Take a look in the mirror, you're beautiful
Take a moment to love the one you are
Learn to accept yourself, coz it's the truth
Can't love nobody else, until you love you

Find, what is real is what's inside you
Know, there's no else in this world like you
Take, maybe just a little time to stop and see just who you really are

Take a look in the mirror, you're beautiful
Take a moment to love the one you are
Learn to accept yourself, coz it's the truth
Can't love nobody else, until you love you

Take a look in the mirror, you're beautiful
Take a moment to love the one you are
Learn to accept yourself, coz it's the truth
Can't love nobody else, until you love

Take a look in the mirror
Take a look in the mirror (ooh ah oooh ooh ah oooh ooh)
Take a look in the mirror (I’ll take a look in the mirror)
Take a look in the mirror (you’re beautiful)

Its a little bit too late
To stop my heart from this cruel fate

An unending cycle of love unrequited
Of hopes and dreams neglected

I knew well it would be like this
To have my heart on a miss

I have passed on countless moons
Thinking wed be together soon

But Ive missed the mark
And now I find myself in the dark

I'm left here wondering
was it all wishful thinking

A trick of the mind
That made me blind

I'm trapped and helpless
Struggling to get out of this mess

But there's a part of me
That hopes to see

Where this journey
Is taking me

There's no more turning back
Because its just too late for that

,,,

i deserve to be happy...

and im done waiting...

patience is a virtue, yes...

but i feel that its long overdue...

yes, im calling out on you...

fate...

why do you have it in for me?

...

...

i deserve to be happy...

right now im just not there yet...

...

...

and ive grown impatient...

...

...

hit me...

pls hit me...

on top of everything...

all directions are pointing to something good...

but as of now, theyre all 'assumptions' still...

until i hear it from 'the source'...

everything is dismissed to be just an assumption...

im half-way in convincing myself to take the risk...

its fear that gets to me...

fear of being turned down...

fear of the after-effect...

fear of just hearing what im not expecting to hear...

geez, what kind of a risk-taker am i?

* sigh *

in a few days time, i have to face it...

and im honestly not ready for the answers...

im here really hoping for the best...

whatever it is...

im hoping that its for the best...

title-less...

my saturday has been the craziest so far...

its been a crazy roller-coaster ride...

first, all about 'him'... saw 'him' at the gym... and well that made my day....

but later on during the last few set of my workout routine...

i got into a bad feeling of jealousy when i saw how 'he' and his ehrm *rolls eyes* client were interacting...

its weird, the jealous fit have been growing too much with regards to him...

maybe its because, the 'hope' that 'he' IS... is getting stronger and stronger...

* sigh *

second, my week-old phone got dented *screams fuck*...

although ive slowly accepted the fact that it has a dent...

thing is it still bothers me...

* sigh *

have to wait for the requested chassis part...

waaaahhhhh...

* screams fuck *

third, the brus were on rest-period this weekend... and eating alone felt really bad...

crap it... didnt really like it all....

though there was a moment of peace to it...

its something that i wouldnt want to be doing on a regular basis...

* looks around *

and lastly...

since the brus were on rest-period...

i have to thank sim and lance for keeping me company this saturday night...

i was actually hesitating to go to gov...

but, i let all worries go away...

and i just let the night take me where it can...

and im soooo glad to have met everyone sim introduced me too...

yey for circle of acquaintance (and ehrm... potentials... hahahaha)...

* sigh *

this weekend was sooooo 'bitin' in more ways than one...

seriously, weekends should be mandated to be five (5) days a week, and that the workdays should be two (2) days a week...

roflol...

cmeo...

crush...

so...

its the 2nd day of october...

ive got 20 days to do what has to be done...

waaah...

it has to be done...

i dont know if i can do it though...

* sigh *

---

chorus from david archuleta's crush...

...
Do you ever think
When you're all alone
All that we can be
Where this thing can go
Am I crazy or falling in love
Is it real or just another crush
Do you catch a breath
When I look at you
Are you holding back
Like the way I do
Cause I'm tryin, tryin to walk away
But I know this crush aint goin away
Yeah, yeah yeah yeah
Goin away
Yeah yeah yeah yeah
...

yeah, sums up where i am right now...

fuck it...

homaygod!!!

ok, so my new baby is just a week old...

a ROKR e8...

* loves it *
* craves it *

simply stylish... nothing can be said more of it...

and yes, i bought it for how it looks...

and the 'uniqueness' of the mobile...

what say you commoners?

haha...

---

im a bit feverish today...

but that didnt stop me from doing gym...

which i think was a huge mistake...

hahaha...

* stubborn *

anyway, surfing on engadget...

my fever-ed body...

was jolted back to its senses upon seeing this...


now im really an ipod-boy...

love the whole simplicity and the plethora of accessories in the market...

am planning to get one by my bday (yey!)...

but upon seeing the gears of war special ed 120gb zune...



i changed my mind...

its visually orgasmic...

and its different...

in a sea of ipods...

im a zune...

hahahaha...

i thrive on being different...

being strange...

weird though that lately, ive been trying to fit in...

hay yin-yang...

hmm...

anyway...

i want one of these baby...

damn...

hmmm...

im gonna get one... for sure...

Im not moving... No Im not moving...

First heard this on MTV...
And on the radio...

The tunes quite catchy...

And if you read on through the lyrics... 
Tis got a nice message...

----
The Man Who Can't Be Moved
The Script

Going back to the corner where I first saw you,
Gonna camp in my sleeping bag not I'm not gonna move,
Got some words on cardboard got your picture in my hand,
Saying if you see this girl can you tell her where I am,
Some try to hand me money they don't understand,
I'm not... broke I'm just a broken hearted man,
I know it makes no sense, but what else can I do,
How can I move on when I've still in love with you...

Cos if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me,
And you're heart starts to wonder where on this earth I can be,
Thinking maybe you'd come back here to the place that we'd meet,
And you'd see me waiting for you on the corner of the street.

So I'm not moving...
I'm not moving.

Policeman says son you can't stay here,
I said there's someone I'm waiting for if it's a day, a month, a year,
Gotta stand my ground even if it rains or snows,
If she changes her mind this is the first place she will go.

Cos if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me,
And you're heart starts to wonder where on this earth I can be,
Thinking maybe you'd come back here to the place that we'd meet,
And you'd see me waiting for you on the corner of the street.

So I'm not moving...
I'm not moving.

I'm not moving...
I'm not moving.

People talk about the guy
Who's waiting on a girl...
Oohoohwoo
There on no hole in his shoes
But a big hole in his world...
Hmmmm

Maybe I'll get famous as man who can't be moved,
And maybe you won't mean to but you'll see me on the news,
And you'll come running to the corner...
Cos you'll know it's just for you

I'm the man who can't be moved
I'm the man who can't be moved...

Cos if one day you wake up and find that your missing me,
And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I can be,
Thinking maybe you'd come back here to the place that we'd meet,
And you'd see me waiting for you on the corner of the street.
[Repeat in background]

So I'm not moving...
I'm not moving.

I'm not moving...
I'm not moving.

Going back to the corner where I first saw you,
Gonna camp in my sleeping bag not I'm not gonna move.

Dropping You

Slowly as [the] tears dry from my eyes
I realize
How much I’ve been holding on
But now I’m letting go
Of something I should have long ago

I’m dropping you, like I should
And I’ve never felt so good
Stopped chasing what could be
Moving on to what should be
I’m dropping you

I can still remember [when] you told me
How much you love me
Now I truly see
Through your eyes
That everything you said were lies

I’m dropping you, like I should
And I’ve never felt so good
Stopped chasing what could be
And started moving to what should be
I’m dropping you

There’s no point picking up the pieces
For a love with a lot of misses
No more room for second chances
Not even enough for second glances

I’m so done with you
No more feeling blue
I’m ready for something new
I’m dropping you

of infidelity, forgiveness and love...

as much as we say that we know how to deal with matters of the heart, there is really no guarantee that we can make our hearts behave...

and when it mis-behaves, we become illogical creatures...

all of us...

---

infidelity.

the concept is all too familiar with me...

everyone involved should play their respective part in the situation...

for me...

the cheater SHOULD own up to his doings...

he/she does not have any right to put any blame on any of the cast...

the decision to 'dive' in to another relationship (sexual or otherwise) is solely on the cheaters head...

for them to turn the tables around, is a cowardly act...

infidelity is never bounded by age, gender, orientation or level of maturity... what they do about it whether caught or not can say so much about how they are as a partner...

the cheated SHOULD concentrate on healing himself/herself first before dealing with the cheater...

the cheated SHOULD accept that whatever the cheater did he/she did not have any part in why the cheater did so...

if there is a problem between the cheater and cheated, then things have to be talked over...

the act of committing a potential mistake to cover up a problem is just plain stupid...

the friends of both parties SHOULD standby on the way-side and be there to help either parties and trust and respect the decision of each party regardless of the circumstance...

friends have all right in the world to be over-protective...

they are our support system outside of our real families...

and as admirable their intent to guard their friends feelings...

it is equally admirable to trust and respect their decisions...

if one is in conflict with the decision, and that they need to voice out there opinion regarding the matter then it be best for them to express it in a manner that is not offensive to either party...

in this scenario, you avoid losing a friend...

in the case that the cheated has decided to be at peace with the situation with the cheater, then it be best for friends to be at peace too...

agitation would only frustrate the cheated...

---

forgiveness and second (n) chances

forgiveness is a concept that is uncommon these days...

many say that they have forgiven, but haven't forgotten...

this, in my opinion isn't forgiveness...

to truly forgive, one must forget what has been done...

forget the act, but don't forget the lesson...

they are two different things...

forgiveness has to be given to those who deserve it...

in my opinion, forgiveness is for everyone...

regardless of the circumstance...

and I'm going to use the 'we-are-all-human' card here...

yes we are...

and neither of us are saints...

we all warrant to forgive and be forgiven...

to deny one of forgiveness is also denying yourself respect...

second (n) chances similar with forgiveness...

should be given to everyone...

everyone 'stumbles' down...

nobody is perfect...

but here's the tricky part...

this has to be given to those who deserve it...

how you'll know? well only those directly involved in the situation would know...

in this case, the cheated has to trust his/her instincts...

everyone else is playing on assumptions, perceptions and their own experiences to which may or may not be applicable to those directly involved...

if they are really friends, then one they, as i have mentioned, SHOULD trust and respect your decision...

---

love.

it is a perfect imperfect...

it isn't really love if there were no imperfections...

trust.

the companion of love...

it is tested time and time again...

there can be no true love when no trust exist...

faith.

faith is the belief in trust...

it is the foundation of trust...

without faith, then there would be no trust...

"to love is to trust and to trust is to have faith..."

pcd and some...

so the new pcd album, doll domination is out..

so far...

im loving most of their stuff...

besides the two singles (when i grow up and what you think about that)...

three slow songs have captured the emo/romantic side of me..

Happily Never After

"[S]he said

No happily never after,
That just ain’t for me, because finally
I know I deserve better after all,
I’ll never let another tear drop fall"

Out Of This Club

"Baby won't you take me out of this club 
I wanna be with you 
Baby let me take you out of this club 
I make your dreams come true 
Baby won't you take me out of this club 
I wanna be with you"

and

I Hate This Part

"I can't take it any longer 
Thought that we were stronger 
All we do is linger 
Slipping through our fingers 
I don't wanna try now 
All that's left is good-bye 
To find a way that I can tell you 
I hate this part right here 
I hate this part right here 
I just can't take your tears
I hate this part right here"

---

love it love it...

and though these songs are quite nice...

they pale in comparison to the emotions that flow from Chris Brown's and Keri Hilson's 
Superhuman...

that song is driving me up the wall...

its soooo good that it makes "single" people (read: me) feel that i have someone...

yes... its that strong... 

"You've changed my whole life
Don't know what you're doing to me with your love
I'm feeling all superhuman you did that to me
A superhuman heart beats in me
Nothing can stop me here with you.
Superhuman.. 
I feel so superhuman"

* sigh *

love is all around...

but i dont seem to have one to share it with...

* sigh *

stumped...

this week has been a very 'wait-for-it' moment for me...

i still testing the waters...

feeling as to how everything works...

the past two days have been sooooo slow...

glad that it picked up today...

the place is starting to warm up on me...

i dont necessarily adjust...

its just not me...

i dont want to lie to myself...

act as if everything is ok, when its not...

so far, it seems that everythings ok...

just a bit shy...

yes, im shy...

roflolcmeo...

but im stumped...

seriously...

theres no drama (yet)...

theres no issues (yet)...

theres no politics (yet)...

totally starting fresh...

just need to find my stride...

need to see how everything works...

a couple more weeks to a month...

* sigh *

lets see...

if this one will just be a small bump that i happen to trip on...

or will this be it...

god...

i cant even imagine myself lasting for a year more in this industry...

might eat my words a year after...

but im not holding my breathe on it...

animate me...

animated version of me...

well sort of...

more sketches to come...

curtain call (v2)

after much editing...

this is what i actually ended up sending to all employees in my (ex) office...

-----------

curtain call...

* It's better to say too much, than never to say what you need to say – JM *

---

I’m not one for goodbyes...

Never enjoyed them…

I have a problem with attachments...

And I have grown attached to a lot of things here, friends mostly...

And so the decision for me to leave Generali was a hard one...

I stayed for the people whom I "respected" the most...

I stayed not because of the job, nor the perks...

Neither was anything to be desired, seriously...

---

I have been nothing but real, open and true...

I embodied 'what-you-see-is-what-you-get'...

And I appreciate those who did the same...

Thank you guys for showing me who you really are...

It gives me enough reason to know who to treasure and who to 'throw-away'...

You’ve seen the highest of my highs and the lowest of my lows...

You’ve seen the good, the bad...

and the ugly... well that I’m glad to leave behind...

I have never been ashamed to be me...

'Attitude' and all...

I have changed in all possible ways that you can think of…

In one way or another…

All of you have been part of what has shaped me...

In the one year and 8 months, I have achieved a lot...

It may not be work-relevant...

But I bet you, it's more important than work...

Way, way important than work...

---

I may have caused friction...

But who hasn’t?

I was just vocal, never scared to say what I want...

Never scared at all…

To 'anyone'…

And remember…

That you have every right in the world to put them in their place...

To those who felt that I offended them…

Im putting my pride on the side-lines…

I apologize…

It's just who I am...

---

'Live life, that’s what’s important...

Spread love, share the joy of friendship...

Find real friends’, drop the fakers and the haters, you know who they are...

Never let work define you...

Say what you need to say…

Be true, never lie...'

Words that I have learned to live by...

So far it’s working...

Why don’t you give it a try...

---

As I said, I’m never for goodbyes...

To my friends...

So I say…

Thanks for the amazing memories...

Thanks for the friendship…

Thanks for being true…

Arrivederci, till we meet again... will be keeping in touch...

To everyone else, sayonara...

May the fates of destiny treat you as you deserve it...

To Generali Pilipinas, Good Luck and God Bless...

---

so much for burning bridges... lol...

but i think i made a bigger impact with this version than the previous version...

* blushes *

curtain call...

I have been warned to never burn bridges…

I might find the need to cross them again, some day…

But I say, burn them…

There are bridges worth keeping…

And those that are worth burning…
---

* It's better to say too much, than never to say what you need to say – JM *

---
I’m not one for goodbyes...

Never enjoyed them…

I have a problem with attachments...

And I have grown attached to a lot of things here, friends mostly...

And so the decision for me to leave Generali was a hard one...

I stayed for the people whom I "respected" the most...

Those that deserve and earned respect...

Not those who demanded it...

I stayed not because of the job, nor the perks...

Neither was anything to be desired, seriously...

---

I have been nothing but real, open and true...

I embodied 'what-you-see-is-what-you-get'...

And I appreciate those who did the same...

Thank you guys for showing me who you really are...

It gives me enough reason to know who to treasure and who to 'throw-away'...

You’ve seen the highest of my highs and the lowest of my lows...

You’ve seen the good, the bad...

and the ugly... well that I’m glad to leave behind * wink * wink *…

I have never been ashamed to be me...

'Attitude' and all...

I have changed in all possible ways that you can think of…

In one way or another…

All of you have been part of what has shaped me...

In the one year and 8 months, I have achieved a lot...

It may not be work-relevant...

But I bet you, it's more important than work...

Way, way important than work...

---

I may have caused friction...

But who hasn’t?

I was just vocal, never scared to say what I want...

Never scared at all…

To anyone… not even those ‘superior’ in title…

Besides, it’s only in that they’re superior, just in a title…

Titles are nothing without respect…

Stripped off of their title, they’re just only ‘people’, to use the term loosely…

And you have every right in the world to put them in their place...

---

'Live life, that’s what’s important...

Spread love, share the joy of friendship...

Find real friends’, drop the fakers and the haters, you know who they are...

Never let work define who you are...

Say what you need to say…

Be true, never lie...'

Words that I have learned to live by...

So far it’s working...

Why don’t you give it a try...

---

As I said, I’m never for goodbyes... well at least to my friends...

So I say…

Thanks for the amazing memories...

Thanks for the friendship…

Thanks for being true…

Arrivederci, till we meet again... will be keeping in touch...

To the others, sayonara...

May the fates of destiny treat you as you deserve it... and don’t even bother...

To Generali Pilipinas, Good Luck and God Bless...

* Champagne for my real friends, real pain for my sham friends – FOB *

one liners...

"kiss me like its the last time, love me like its the first time..."

- from Cry (The Block) by New Kids On The Block

went online at 300am in the morning...

clicked mirc...

and there i was....

logged on to look for a quick hookup....

got a message from a certain someone...

not sure who it was though...

but if you are from there, as you said you are...

what are you trying to do?

blackmail me?

or let the whole world know my lifestyle...

hmmm

lemme ask

i wonder... why were you there the first place...

hmmm

anyway, who you trying to scare? me?

sorry... im out... everyone knows...

* rolls eyes *

strike one...

so tonight was a bust...

a failed attempt...

as usual...

go figure...

* fuck it *

feel the frustration...

feel it...

feel it...

a different friday

remember when the thought of friday brightens up your day...

i cant say that applies to today...

it is a friday alright...

but it is soooooooooooooooooooooooooo... boring...

its like my life-force has been drained of all the positivity...

goodness..

maybe im just hungry for something more interesting to do...

something exciting...

something totally different...

the dullness of sitting almost 8 hours staring at your computer,

shifting through different tasks...

its soooo getting old...

call me a rebel if you want...

but this desk-job thing...

its just not working...

how does a free-spirit become so entangled in matters that can kill someone with utter boredom...

give me rain, give me thunder... anything will do...

peace and quiet is good, at night... then again id have enough of that too...

i want to cause a ruckus...

i need chaos...

i just need something better to do...

* hmmm *

good lord...

an hour more and im out of this hell hole..

ill be so glad to see gym-folks and friends...

hay, gym.. the highlight of my day...

the savior to a different friday...

quotes...

"guys [that i like] can be compared to a strong rain...

theres a sense of 'comfort' and joy in getting voluntarily wet...

and yet no matter how good it feels...

you know that its gonna make you sick"

---

and being emo goes on...

unexpected

knowing where you drew the line...

i agreed..

i shed tears...

but i agreed and went on with it...

thought that it would be easy...

after all, it always ended that way...

i just didnt expect that i would grow this fond of you...

to the point that im already affected...

about how things cant be better...

about how things cant be what i would have hoped it would be...

i wish i was cold...

not feeling anything...

this is that time that i miss most my non-emotional self...

i wish things could be simpler...

no more complications...

no more unexpected-ness...

trying...

been listening to Lifehouse a lot lately...

their song, Make Me Over has grown on me...

I love it soooo much...

totally can relate...

* sings *

"Im losing myself just to find a place in your mind...

im changing myself just to stand alone in your eyes..."

---

here i go again...

trying to be what an ideal 'partner' is just so that you could notice me...

trying to show you what i could possibly offer...

but alas...

as with every chapter i start with my life...

it always end the same...

with me getting hurt...

with me getting the consolation prize...

or worse...

getting nothing...

not even a bruised ego...

* sigh *

when will i ever stop 'trying'?

its here... finally here...

the '-ber' months have finally arrived....

last quarter of the year baby...

theres a lot to be excited about...

from the anticipation of a new job...

new friends...

new 'potentials'...

the next four months will be definitely something...

and yeah...

countdown to 26 begins...

hell yeah...

another year is gonna pass...

as early as now, its not another one wasted...

wisdom of love

certain events have forced me think about what 'love' has taught me...

i dont know if most of you would agree...

but the following have been lessons learned...

and just so you know, im no authority on love...

sheesh...

i should be the last one anyone should be running to for advice on the matter...

but, in the short amount of time... this much i know...

...

- 'you take risks for the people that matter to you the most'...

- 'never lie to yourself, secrets should never be kept, especially when it comes to matters of the heart'...

- 'forget about keeping your head on top of your heart, nor should your heart be on top of your head... both should work together, always'...

- 'be yourself and never change... never let anyone fall in love with the made-up you'...

- 'friendship, as a basis for love, sucks... well if you're just stuck with friendship'...

- 'never doubt your feelings for someone, doubting only shows that your not totally into the person'...

- 'never expect, never assume... what you know is usually wrong'...

and lately, this seems to be a viable option, though im not really into the whole ONS and FBUDs thing...

- 'hook-ups are a saving grace to heartache'...

---

i said i wasnt giving up...

but i think i should...

its become a hopeless case...

great...

there goes another one...

* bangs head on wall *

hopeless romantic...

here i am...

floating on air again...

thinking of what can be...

anticipating....

waiting...

for that moment...

when doubts are gone...

when insecurities don't matter...

when no one else matters...

this is what i strive for...

not money, nor fame...

love...

it is but a jump away...

and yet i am afraid to take it...

fearing that no one will be on the other side...

loneliness has been my biggest fear...

i have been through it...

it has served its purpose in my life...

and i don't need it anymore...

...

...

this is me...

a big part of what makes me, me...

a hopeless romantic...

going my way...

Things Will Go My Way
The Calling

I came to tell you
How it all began
Nothing seems to work out right
I'm broken down again

So hold me now
And say its not forever
Cause maybe someday, in time
Things will go my way

I've pushed to get through
A crowd of twisted souls
Just to find I'm right back here
Doing what I'm told

So take my hand
Don't let me surrender
Cause maybe someday, in time
Things will go my way
Things will go my way
Things will go my way

For all the lies I've tasted
Just loooking for the truth
For all the dreams I'm chasing
Well what am I to do
When everything's against me
And the answers are all wrong
I'm hopin' that I find out
It was worth it all along

So hold me now
And say it's not forever
Cause I know someday, in time
Things will go my way
Things will go my way
Things will go my way

For all the lies I've tasted
Just looking for the truth
For all the dreams I'm chasing
What am I to do
When everything against me
The answers are all wrong
I'm hoping that I'll find out

Things will go my way
Things will go my way

...

it just keeps on coming...

the punches...

* sigh *

failed attempt

so the fashion design competition i joined...

well its a bust..

didnt get in...

* sigh *

guess i need more and more and more practice...

...

i know im good... but im not on the level of some people are...

well no yet...

thing thats bugging me is how everyone involved in the competition (organizers) know how pathetic my entry was...

* makes me want to shrink and hide *

so should i push more?

or i give up?

...

i say push more...

theres alot more oppurtunities out there...

ill be ready next time...

more than ready...

cloned

figure the excitement building up...

* going on geek mode *

5... 4... 3... 2... 1...




...
...
...

lets get it on!

have you chosen your side?

so far... (pt 2)

...

To get myself out of the state that I was/am in...

Ive been hanging out with the brus and the girls...

First of was my last weekend movie-night with the brus...

---

So last week, me and the brus had a movie-night...

we saw 'The Mummy : Rise of the Dragon Emperor'...

My take on the whole movie...

Entertaining x 2...

Though I think the franchise received a huge blow...

well for one, rachel weisz wasnt in the cast...

and, the movie was more brawns than brain...

the last two installments tackled a deeper history of the

characters...

* sigh *

but even so, Im still on 'The Mummy' franchise train...

After the movie, got a text from Sim that there was an impromptu birthday party / get-together for Norman...

so after much hooplah on who was going...

Me, Jason and Bryan separated with the group and off we went to Sims place...

So at Sims place... found out that he had already invited their friends over...

Seeing (a) some familiar face(s), it made me smile...

That in itself was already a highlight for me...

I knew that the night was going to pick-up...

I needed a relaxed environment with good company...

and the night didnt fail me...

So after some drinking, chit-chatting we started to play cards...

Its been awhile since Ive done 'pusoy-dos'...

But apparently a quick jolt of a game was all I needed to get back the feel of playing...

after awhile, we were asked to join a game of poker...

which was entirely new for me...

so after a quick lesson from joseph...

I was able to get a good feel of the game...

A couple of rounds passed, I won two out of the number of plays we had...

I guess Im a good player, then again, that cant really say how good of a player I am...

I need more practice...

and Im keeping myself wide open for a good round of pokers with friends...

* hint * hint *

It was around 3 in the morning then when Bryan and Jason decided to call it a night...

I honestly didnt want to leave...

but the night has done its part...

and even for a while I have been relieved and relaxed...

plus, it was an unexpected and most welcome turn of events...

love it...

thanks guys... thanks for the great company... =)

heres to more and more oppurtunities to hang out with you guys...

* cheers *

continued...

so far... (pt 1)

How do I start?

Hmmm...

I havent been myself lately...

There has been too much served on my plate...

Things that need to be decided on...

---

Now, theres no intent on making 'parinig' here...

So, I dont mean to offend anyone...

I've been single for a bit over 6 months now...

Havent really 'played' the field yet...

A good thing has happened in the month that has passed...

I hoped things would have been better...

Was finally settling in on the thought...

but fate had other plans...

Ive been 'depressing' about it...

As Ive always been when it comes to matters of the heart...

But I know I shouldnt...

So I started picking up where I left off...

And just as I was getting back on my feet...

Fate once again 'teased' me...

This 'other' person...

The 'one' that Ive been so hung-up on...

Well, lets just that things have become cold between us...

and right now it makes reading 'him' a hundred times more difficult than before...

and so the vicious cycle repeats again...

And as if that wasnt enough, fate showed me how 'good' others have it...

Now I know, Ive changed alot since my 'heavy' days...

and Im so proud that Ive achieved such feat...

But I guess for some its just not enough...

I havent 'played' the game, but Ive been out and about...

Searching, looking...

And to no avail, well theres a couple that Ive met...

But seriously, Im just not interested...

Call me choosy... call me picky....

but come on... ive been 'discriminated' on by some...

why cant i do the same?

vicious cycle? - I know...

Anyway, going back...

I have this friend...

He's good looking, got a nice body and importantly he's got a good head on his shoulder...

And I dont blame anyone if they find him attractive...

What boggles me is that he doesnt need to do much...

And it just kills whatever confidence I have...

Just imagine, in the span of one week... he has managed to catch the attention of two guys by just being there...

What the hell...

Now tell me how unfair is that?

* sigh *

Friends tell me to not dwell to much on it and that the big-man up there showers everyone equally...

I have qualities that they dont have...

I guess so...

* thinks *

And I do have to thank you guys (you know who you are)...

For bearing with me, my stupidities and my insecurities...

Thanks...

continued...

the yang of things...

if all is going soooo well...

why then, does it feel the total opposite?

---

now something on the side...

asking for another round i see...

well just wait...

also, suggestion...

stop being a faker...

it doesnt do wonders to the 'image' or whatever thats called...

* trying hard *

garfield-ed...

ecstatic... nervous...

scared... doubtful...

im just a concoction of emotions right now...

i just want to let it all out (among other things)...

i want to scream on top of my lungs...

i want to beat my 'enemies' with a mace and gloat with laughter...

i want to retreat underneathe the sheets of my bed...

i want someone to hug me and tell me everything will be fine...

---

i dont know if i did the 'right' thing...

i have plans to move out of the 'industry' that i have been calling hell for 3 years...

ive grown weary and tired of the 'cage' that i set upon myself...

and yet, im jumping from one frying pan to another...

though nothings really set yet, the thought scares the hell out of me...

and at the same time, it makes me yearn for change...

but at the back of my mind, im screaming...

something inside me is telling me to hold-on and travel the path to my dreams, explore the world... become what i am destined to be...

the thought is scary...

i am friggin 25 already (still young)...

and im not a risk-taker...

hell... risk is something that i rarely deal with...

but i should...

ive been avoiding risks for the majority of my life...

i should start...

from the simplest of things...

...

and it should be quick...

time doesnt really take a break...

strength and courage...

its all i need...

im a brazen-faced individual...

risks should be an easy obstacle to tackle...

* crosses fingers *

* wishes that Themis scales balances to the right side *

* does a two-face; flips a coin *

---

hmmm...

well that was therapeutic...

* smiles *

im such a garfield...

monday + emo...

roflol...

* does a garfiled - i hate mondays... *

amici deliziosi...

way way back in high school, i bought this italian-english dictionary...

just to teach myself a bit of italian... * i have this thing with foreign languages *

i just love how the c's and z's roll off your tounge...

eventhough i hardly used the language...

i have come to pick up some learn-worthy words...

among them are...

bello (beautiful), deliziosi (delicious), perfetto (perfect), buon giorno (good morning), buona sera (good evening) and grazie (thank you)...

the first three words can sum up my Amici experience...

---

ive been brought up as a makati-boy...

pure-bred and never a faker * cough * cough *

and growin' up... ive always equated makati as the philippines answer to usa's new york...

anyway... its been 20+ years that ive lived here...

and it never ceases to amaze me how much i dont know about makati...

lately, the bru-brus (and some honorary bru bru girls) have been steadily creating a weekly
friday tradition of after-gym dinner...

call it an early-cheat to the weekend...

with them, i have discovered two great restos/eatery...

one is petra and pillar (just behind makati med, an alley's trhrow-away from pasong tamo)...

and the most most recent, amici...

---

going into amici, one would never expect such delicacies...

yes, the ambiance wasnt as 'italian' as i would expected it to be...

but it had a homey-feel to it (the feeling you get when you eat at your old schools canteen... well ehrm, considering that you studied in csa or in some other private private school) and i liked it...

though with such great dishes, the place could use some sprucing up...

the first thing that caught my attention was the 'gallery display' of their gelato (ice cream)...

the mere sight of ice-cream made me forget about my diet... * yum * yum *

so fast forward a bit...

got around to order the maccheroni al gorgonzola as my main dish, a cup of strawberry supreme gelato as my first dessert and a serving of profiterole (everything for Php 350.00)

considering that i had chips in the morning, burgers and fries in the afternoon and that for dinner...

i had already gone way way way way ... way way beyond my self-restricted allowable daily food intake...

but i just didnt care...

with good company and good food...

diet seemed to not exist...

though it did get me to think that i needed to put-off my usual saturday cheat-fest and my rest day to off-set the amount of food that i ate...

* thinks *

then again... i do workout alot...

no need to worry...

ehrm... better be safe than sorry... .

* smiles * worries *

---

i definitely cant wait to eat at amicis with my girls...

also, im already thinking of who to bring to amicis for a date...

ehrm, that sounded not right...

then again...

amicis is a diamond in a rough...

it can, imo, can compete with the other (faker) italian restos in the metro...

i wonder why they havent taken this thing on a much larger scale...

well anyways, its good that its not that commercialized yet...

its a secret that im willing to share...

just not to everyone...

yet...

...

thoughts in my head keep on abounding...

memories of past that haunt...

a future that is uncertain...

failures that keep on repeating...

discontented heart... discontented mind...

change is coming... change is welcome...

here i come...

ready to stand once more...

hoping this time i wont stumble...

* the story of my life *

too much..

i just got to say this...

theres too much going on in my head...

i keep on thinking what i need to prioritize...

i keep on thinking how to fix my mistakes...

---

im crying right now...

not because of the multitude of things that i have to deal with...

im crying about one thing...

and i know i have to stop...

but, theres so much inside me about this one thing that i cannot supress...

my tears...

my feelings...

---

its killing me...

slowly...

the thought of being alone...

the thought of playing the game over and over and over again...

its tiring and excruciating...

am i about to give up?

should i give up?

i already know the answers to these question...

but right now, my heart has taken over my brain...

and the logical side of me just wont listen...

...

theres just too much...

i need the weekend...

two more freakin' days...

just two more days...

hold on...

pls...

bestest best...

ok, so ive been working on this post for a long time...

it was s'posed to be posted june 29, the day after gay-pride/big-fish event and then-some..

just got around this weekend to finish it...

---

after getting a rough start to an expectedly awesome weekend...

i was all hand and foot to start my weekend...

---

friday evening...

wasnt really feeling well that night...

had a slight fever due to a 'virus' i caught in the office

my workout routine was a bust... totally whacked out...

i just did my 'petiks' workout... around 2 hours of lite-cardio on the bike...

at around 730pm, i was done with my workout... theres usually an hour more in my routine...

got fixed up... and by 815pm i was off to go home...

on the way home I decided to make a quick stop in Shopwise to get me some last minute shopping for saturdays Big-Fish thing...

yes, i know... what could one possibly get in Shopwise for the Big-Fish thing...

im a firm believer of the concept of 'look-for-less'...

contrary to popular belief... i dont spend that much on a single-item of clothing...

not to sound 'condescending' or anything... but i can make most stuff look good...

* yabang *

anyway in Shopwise, I was weighing between getting a Hanes love-sleeved white shirt and a 'Crispa' long-sleeved 3-buttoned chinos...

i ended up going with the 'Crispa' long-sleeved 3-buttoned chinos...

im soooo loving this brand... * sigh *

fast-forward to saturday...

met up with antonio after gym at around 330pm...

lounged around at my place...

initial plan was to stay-in til 6pm and get fixed up for the party then...

unfortunately the unscheduled power interuption changed the itinerary...

left my place at quarter to 6 and headed straight to s'bucks gbelt3...

antonio was feeling a bit lite-headed due to the meds he had to take for his allergies...

so a dose of strong caffeine was what he needed to jolt him back... =)

it was a good hour of alone-time with antonio when jason and greg arrived...

after getting the tickets we headed off to John and Yoko in GB5...

unfortunately the number of groups on the wait-list was enough to convince us to jump back to Kitchen in GB3...

---

it was nearing 930pm and the movie group was already in the cinema lobby waiting for us...

unfortunately i had to stay to wait for Danda, our contact for the Big-Fish tickets...

iam a patient person...

i can usually withstand hours and hours of waiting...

but it is with the consideration of that person i am wating for...

Danda was testing my limits...

as thankful as i want to be that he got us tickets...

it was a real test on my patience...

in the end, we decided to go ahead with the movie and just waited for him in the cinema...

---

watched Angeline Jolie / James McCavoy in Wanted...

i gots to say... it was amazing...

the movies plot and twist were extremely entertaining...

definetely a movie not for the masa type...

* wink *

warning sort of spoiler ahead

the twist was sooo reminescent of the original starwars twist of anakin skywalker being anakins father...

for the movie, that made me raise my eyebrow, pout my lips to the right with a matching long-silent... 'okaaaa...aaay'...

how unoriginal can you get...

then again, the subplot of the hero having the father as a villain (vice-versa) has been repeatedly used by writers and producers...

all in all, the movie gets two thumbs-up (and any other extra thumbs i can get to rate the movie...)

---

after the movie, sim, norman, jason, greg, antonio and myself bid adieu to the movie group...

we're off to the Big-Fish event...

antonio already excused himself from the event...

* bummer *

anyway we were all prepped up...

even after the commute, the dinner and the movie...

my white long-sleeved three-buttoned chinos was still white...

arriving in a-venue... there was a line of bevy people mostly in white (after-all that was what the event-organizers preferred)...

but one has to think if the 'straight' population of the party knew that it was also 'Gay Pride' night where the staple color of people-like-us (PLUs) was white...

* confused-much *

anyway after a good half an hour of being tossed from one lane to another, we finally got in...

inside, like a pack of wolves the cliques were really sticking together...

there were the people who were already 'high'...

there were the 'cool-laid-back-hip-crowd'...

there were the 'unmentionables' totally over-dressed for the occassion (ehrm... coat? seriously?)...

and there was us... the 'newbies'...

well me and greg, to be exact...

jason, sim and norman were staple at these events...

nonetheless, it felt good...

eventhough with prying eyes and being drowned in a majority of good-looking people...

i didnt feel the least uncomfortable...

i was to busy enjoying the sights (and sounds) of the event that i didnt have time to worry how 'uncommon' i was...

got through the whole night with just beat-hopping...

it felt as if i did a couple of hours of ab-workout...

which was good...

---

it was 4am when the brus decided to leave the party...

they had plans to go to go gov which quickly traversed to going to malate instead...

i opted to pass on the malate invite...

i love spending the whole night out but i needed to draw the line at 4am...

talk about killjoy...

ehrm, not really... my mid-section was killing me, not to mention my feet...

but that night was invigorating...

i have never felt so easy and free of worry...

how nice it would be if everyday felt like this...

so the brus dropped me off near my place, and i headed straight home...

got in... and crashed on to my bed...

with a smile on my face, aching mid-section... i dozed off...

---

now me wishes for a weekend repeat...

* smiles *

---

thanks brus...

thanks for the wonderful company...

til the next big-fish event..

til the next party...

cant wait...

changing tune...

bryan (ex) and i have been communicating lately...

its getting good between us...

we're in talking terms...

unlike when we broke up...

thing is...

i just need to remind myself of how i felt when we were together...

the situation, i guess, wasnt just right...

thing is, i have a weak heart...

and i tend to fall easily...

i just remind myself everyday that my chapter with him as my bf is closed...

im happy where i am now...

meeting new people... dating...

its something that i never expected that id be doing...

i guess all i needed was time...

patience...

im getting there...

and im leaving the past behind...

---

"But you put on quite a show. 
Really had me goin' 
But now it's time to go, 
Curtain's finally closin'. 
That was quite a show. 
Very entertainin'. 
But it's over now. 
Go on and take a bow."

- Rihanna, Take A Bow

the comfort....

events this week are enough for me to say that...

I am the better person (so to speak)...

when faced with owning up to whatever faults i have done...

i own up to it...

no questions asked...

even if it gets me to trouble...

ill admit it...

it just amazes me how some PEOPLE are soooooo transparent...

if youre going to lie, at least me make it believable...

though words arent really going to stop being thrown from one corner to another...

at least there is the comfort of knowing that i own up to my mistakes...

doing it the J. Rizal way

recalling my high-school days in the 'posh' hallways of CSA...

i remember reading (forced) J. Rizal's work...

from the Noli Me Tangere, to his El Filibusterismo...

from the countless biographical accounts of J. Rizals extraordinary life...

he has indirectly become a great influence of what I am today...

---

living life as an overweight-kid way back in elementary and highschool was tough...

not only were u left to deal with the pains of growing up...

but you also had to contend with the bullies around you...

and growing up...

i vowed never to be stepped on...

i was 'treated' as this overweight-kid who would never fight back...

or so they thought...

there was this time, i remember in grade... '93 to '94, there was this classmate of mine...

he was the all around rebel/joker/'siga'...

one time, in between classes... i was 'busy' preparing for the next class... and he was just clowning around with a couple of his barkadas...

and he started playing this tune on his guitar...

a couple of minutes followed, he placed this 'chant' on it...

i remember it clearly... i could still play it in my head...

i was soooooooooo mad then...

with brute force and sheer size... i snatched his guitar away from him and started whacking him with it...

* yes *

the guitar didnt survive the ordeal... he went away with a bruise and cut on his forehead...

and you know what...

i didnt get into trouble...

from then on, i was known to have a fit of rage whenever i get pissed off....

nowadays, i still do...

but in a more 'civilized' manner (so to speak)...

this is where one of J. Rizal's 'sayings' comes in...

"the pen is mightier than the sword"

apparently its true...

im having fun actually rattling cages...

sometimes i think that maybe the story about the four-horsemen of the apolalypse is true...

sometimes i think that i ride on this red horse and that i carry a sword...

a harbinger of war...

...

...

* thinks *

ode to ugly

an ode to one of the ugliest fridays of my life, literally * hints * and figuratively * hints *...

i will try to take the high-road (although i already am)...
i will try to be the bigger person (physically, yes - then again * thinks *)...

but...

cross me once, shame on you...
cross me twice, shame on me...

cross me thrice, - well lets just say there wont be a fourth time...

and yeah... just so we're clear, I AM A BITCH... get used to it...

and be original... dont try and imitate me, you just come off across as a trying-hard ass...

well, come to think of it, it actually flatters me...

think. then again...

thinking isnt really your forte...

officially out...

yes folks...

mark this day...

june 18 2008...

the day that i outed myself to my parents...

...

...

long story...

...

...

it feels akward...

but i feel so light...

* hay *

things are only looking up from here on...

* hopes *

riddle me this...

is it even possible?

for someone whose opinion one didnt really care about, affect one so much?

i didnt even think, with the level of 'maturity' involved... one would be affected...

then again... the level of 'maturity' should be questioned... * hint *

ehrm... im not really mature, just so we're clear... at least i know where i stand...

---

taking the high-road... ill let it be...

then again im not one who usually stays in the high-road... come on, ill play your game...

(heres a dictionary you might need it...)

so when push comes to shove...

painful words may be said, voices may raise and tempers may flare...

whatever happens, win or lose...

i have people who are real to me...

i have people who respect me...

earned it... never asked for it...

---

respect...

ask around...

"did i earn it? or did i demand it?"

'nuff said...