Friday, January 19, 2007

how i wish you'd know...

can i just see you every morning when i open my eyes?

can i just feel your heart beating beside me everynight?

can we just feel this way together till the end of all time?

can i just spend my life with you...?



thanks for the wonderful night...

Monday, January 15, 2007

thoughts from nowhere

good looks...

one thing im not blessed with...

at best, im only an average looking guy.

i guess.

a few months ago, over ym... me and a friend of mine were talking about something... cant really remember what the topic was all about... but i remember this one statement that she said...

"... you are a catch for anyone ..."

maybe she was just being a friend...
maybe she was really telling the truth...

id like to believe the latter one...

i think im a catch.

im with someone right now... i found someone to love and call my beh...

and im in a happy place now with my beh...

im just wondering... how come other people dont see what my beh see in me?


i used to be a chatter... still am...

but i dont chat now, for the same reason as i did before... well not most of the times...


everyone in "our" community is SUPERFICIAL...

and i would be a hypocrite to say that im not... i am too...

we all have standards, i understand that.

but cant you guys be a little less rude...

as an average "chubby" guy... ive experienced all forms of rudeness...

there are some who will tell it to your face that your chubby...
there are some who will tell suddenly change their story...

and the worst...

there are some who will leave you hanging in the air, the worst kind.

it would be better if they will tel the truth...

"im sorry... im looking for someone who is a bit more on my standards..."

or something to that effect...

it will still hurt... of course its rejection...

but then again... at least they have the decency to be honest with you.

what i dont get is... if im quite the catch... why the rejection?

another scenario...

in the gym... ive met a couple of people here and there... gym-buds and more...

but then... there are those "gym-people" who give you this feeling of you-dont-belong-here...

its like they're telling you to get the fcuk off the gym because youre not worthy to bask in our godly looks...

it annoys me to hell...

all i could really do is stare... and hope that one of them approaches me.

hell, it would be easier to approach them, ask their name, for their phone number... but rejection would be a big blow; rejection in a public place would be death.

which brings me to question my catch-ability factor...

got it?


im confident.

im chubby.

im an average looking guy.

im a confident, average looking chubby guy...

ive never had any confidence issues...

i have someone that i love...

what is there more to ask?


am i a good catch?

Friday, January 12, 2007

on the edge (originally posted on on January 11 2007)

the year has barely begun...

and yet.. everything seems to be crashing down...

first... im going back to IT... eating every hateful words Ive said towards the industry...
humbling? yes, very much... but i have no choice... guess i have to put my dreams aside for a while and leave it at that...

second... my "personal" life... i thought everything was ok... apparently its hard for me to accept that the person i love... has plans to go abroad... i understand that... but, i dont know what will happen to us... as for now, im leaving it at that... we're kinda good now... i mean, the relationship is going well (with some issues)... but im scared for what our future will be... my beh said that, "im doing this for us and my family"... sure that nudged out my heart... but its going to be torture without my beh...

i am on the edge... i feel as if my life is going nowhere...

like the way i write...

my life is full of "ellipses"...




* sigh *

A love letter to my beh (originally posted on on December 17 2006)


I have never been in love before.
Not that it was my choice, nor I haven’t met the person for me.
It was just that I was afraid to take the risk.

Then I met you.

You were an unexpected blessing in my life.
We met in the most unexpected place with the most unusual circumstance.

Days pass after meeting up with you.
I knew that I needed to take a risk.
I knew that I had to allow myself to love and be loved back.

----- -----

I wore my heart on my sleeves,
So you would know just how much you mean to me
And I thank you for recognizing it.

Thank you… for putting up with me.
I know that I’m not the easiest person to deal with
And your patience with me says a lot.

Thank you… for spending precious time with me.
No matter how brief we are together in a day,
I treasure all those moments so much.

Thank you… for loving me for what I am.
I appreciate that you look beyond with how I look like
And know me for who I really am.

----- -----

It has been four months, since I’ve fallen for you.
I want you to know that it has been amazing roller coaster ride
And that I’m ready to ride-on more with you baby.

No amount of words can really say
How much you mean to me…

I love you Beh!

Unexpected (originally posted on on November 01 2006)

as stars shone under the rainy sky
i wondered how the night will go by

i didnt expect anything from you
i didnt really know what you'd do

all of a sudden you gave me a smile
you took my hand and we walked for a mile

you turned to me and gave me a kiss
i was in awe wonder and in bliss

what turned out be the night was perfected
by everything you did that was unexpected

----- ----- -----

I love you beh... Mwuuaahh!!!

A message to my beh (originally posted on on October 26 2006)

i love you beh... i know that you know i do...but beh, theres a lot more than just knowing...

i let you feel that i love you, but you mistake it for something else
i show you just how much i love you, but you dont want me to show you
i scream to the whole world how much i love you, but you dont want everyone to know

i respect that...

but beh... knowing is not enough...

i want to feel that you love me too...
i want you to show me just how much you love me..
i want you to scream to the whole world how much you love me...

is this too much to ask?

if it is so... then just...

tell me you that love me...
hold my hands...
and embrace me...

god knows how much i miss you....

A complete 360 (originally posted on on September 24 2006)

First of all... im back at "writing" journals... or at least I hope I am...

Last time i was here, i was all for moving out of the industry where i was... which was IT...

I had this crazy plan all set up for me to go to chicago and study again... alas... fate was cruel and i find myself now back at the same place where i was a couple of months ago.

Im back. And I feel that its been a complete 360 from where i intended myself to be. Im nowhere near where I intended myself to be.

Im back. Im back at doing the thing that I feel that I dont have any connection with. Its weird though. Because in my "heart" i know i should be doing something different from this. But as i am confronted with the task of debugging / programming... i find myself performing well. And frankly it frightens me.

Its a complete 360. And i have to admit that i am now eating my words... and its such an ego crusher. When the whole school thing didnt work out... i didnt want to go back to working in IT, primarily because i didnt want to turn my back on my declaration that "IT isnt for me...".

But now Im back in it. Its better though. Im not just merely a programmer now. I dont know if its any consolation... but im a Java Programmer / Consultant for an International Insurance Firm.

Sounds good? As of now... i cant say really.

What i find as a big consoloation though is that I get to work at my own hours. Which gives me time to do my gyming and me-stuff.

I still dont feel as that this is right for me. I guess I never will feel that "IT" is right for me. I just wont accept that fact.
God... I need to turn the tables again. And I need to do it fast.

Envy (originally posted on on June 15 2006)

Anyone who knows me will probably tell you that I am an envious person.

I envy anyone who has more than what I have.

And I am not ashamed to admit it.

Envy is a mortal sin.

But then again, that only applies to those who practice Christianity.

Envy, for me, is a natural Human emotion. HUMAN being the keyword.

It is irrelevant to accept what the Bible teaches us about envy.

"Thou shall not covet thy neighbors goods.". Give me a break.

To follow this, you must know what it feels like to have everything.

The thing is, I dont have everything I want.

I have everything I need, but not everything I want.

Wanting, is after all, a human emotion.

So who is God to say that?

He is not human. He is God.


Is it so wrong to be envious of someone who is undeserving?

This person... this someone... doesnt deserve to be where he is now.

But I envy him.

The oppurtunities, the pay-off. He just doesnt deserve it.

I am n-times more hard-working than he is.

I am n-times more capable than he is.

I am n-times more competent than he is.

I live my life better than he does.

Then why not me?

Why not give me a break?

Is he one of the chosen few, delegated by his God to lead a blessed life?

Thats a load of bullcrap.


This is one of the reasons why my faith is fading.

This is one of the reasons why I find it hard to believe in what the Bible teaches us.

This is one of the reasons why I doubt God.

We are not equal. At least from where Im standing.

How can the Queen Mother be equal to a homeless woman with four malnourished children in Ghana?

Theology aside, placing reality in perspective, it just doesnt add up.

The mere fact that Christianity recognizes the prescence of inequality is proof enought to refute that we are all equal.

"Thou shall not covet thy neighbors goods."

The understatement says it all.

DO NOT ENVY WHAT YOUR NEIGHBOR HAS. Which means, do not be envy of what you dont have that your neighbor has. Right?


Envy is a mortal sin.

To me, envy is part of what defines my being human.

It is not wrong to be envious.

You can only say that it is wrong when you have everything you want.

I guess, thats not going to happen anytime soon...

Hate (originally posted on on June 02 2006)


Hate is such a strong word, a strong emotion.

When I hate something or someone, I cant think straight.

I cant focus on my tasks.

All I can think of is getting even. All I can think of is revenge.


Have you ever hated someone so much, so much that you would want to grab them by the hair and punch their face until it bleeds?

I hate someone. Wait. I hate something.

I hate them both. I hate their freakin guts. I hate their fuckin faces.


Ever since we started working at our clients office, there has been a feeling of animosity.

Animosity from some of the employees here.

And I hate it.

The stares and the whispers. I hate it.

If they've got a problem with us, why not be man enough to tell us.

I would appreciated it more that way.

But no.

Yesterday, it went beyond stares and whispers.

Its getting personal. Too personal.

A little bit childish dont you think?


Work is just work. Why take it personally?

Are they just insecure? Are they afraid?

It just boggles my mind why they would treat us that way.


Whatever the reason may be.

Even if they apologize, which is highly unlikely, I will not forgive them.

My only consolation would be seeing them burn in Hell. Hmmm... too harsh?

I would settle to see them get fired from their jobs. BUt thats not enough.

Its not enough for me.

Clarity (originally posted on on May 29 2006)

Ones talent can only take one so far.

Whether it be learned, honed or God-given, it can on
ly take one so far.

There are alot of talented people in this world, only few are given an oppurtunity. Most, no matter how talented they are, are left to work in the corporate world or rot into poverty.

I am one of them. Left unsatisified, envious, depressed and unjustly treated.

I know for a fact that I am not as good as other people are. But when you get tomeet people who appreciate your talent, you get this feeling that you can be more than what you are, you can be a part of the chosen few.


It is now clear to me, that my talent alone cannot support my passion.

Yes I am talented. Boastful as it may sound, I am. I believe I am.

Besides, talent plus confidence... can take one farther.

Its a step farther from just having talent.

But still, it is not enough.


I am scared.

I am scared because I dont believe in myself.

I dont believe that I can make it in the IT Industry.

Its hard to be the best in your field when you know that your not the best.

Yes I know I can go toe to toe with people in my field. Only thing is, I know I can beat them outside this field, well most of them.

People in my field earn bigger bucks than I do because they now identify themselveswith the field. They accept that this is what defines them. That IT is their life.

But I dont see them as achievers or victors.
I see them as defeated individuals.

I see them without true ambition. Without true drive.

I see them empty.

I dont see the real them anymore.

They are lost. They cannot find their true selves anymore.

This is what I tell myself to make me feel better. To make me feel victorious.
To make me feel that, at least, I am a few steps ahead of the game.

But, as reality sets in... I realize that I am not.

I am not ahead of them. I am trailing.

It scares me even more.

It scares me that I will be the loser.

It scares me that I will be in last place.
Quartered Life (originally posted on on May 28 2006)

Im only 23 years old. Going 24 this coming October.

I should be in control of my IT career. I should be out there tearing the corporate standards. I should be out there showing the IT world what I have to offer.

I should be out there among the thousands of IT professionals who are making big bucks.

But I dont want to... well except for making big bucks.

In the span of the first year of my corporate life, Ive worked for two companies. One is a bank and the other is a Software BPO oriented company.

I only lasted about a month and a half in my first job. I quitted.

As for the second job, Im entering my 10th month here. Contemplating on quitting.

For the first few months of my corporate life, I enjoyed it. I was proud. I held my chin high.
But everything got old.

Work became a burden. Im not enjoying it anymore. Im not proud of it anymore. I couldnt hold my chin high anymore.
I am fed up with it.
I want to quit my job.
I want to quit the IT industry.


A friend once told me, that it is so sad to see someone like me who is good in what I do... hate what I do.
At some level I agree with him.

But there is a part of me that is craving for something more. I want to share my talent with the whole world. I want to be where most actors, singers and fashion designers are. I want to be out there in the spotlight.

I just dont want to accept defeat from the fact that I am going to live my life as a corporate slave. I dont want to accept defeat from the fact that I will live my life the way millions of other people around the world are living theirs.
But not everyone is given an oppurtunity to be out there in the spotlight. Not everyone is as lucky as the celebrities
who glam the front pages of the magazines. Not everyone is as lucky as the singers who can share their talent. Not everyone is as lucky as the designers who show their art to the world.

But I want to be one of them. I envy them. I want to be given an oppurtunity. I dont want to be like the rest of the millions of people around the world who are contented with the way they are.I dont want to accept defeat.


I am only 23 years old. And yet, I am in the middle of a Life Crisis.

It has come to the point that I want to do alot of things at the same time. And when I do finally set my priority list, I often contradict my decisions.

I am confused. I dont know what to do.

I dont want to leave IT because I know this is what I do fairly best and it pays good. But I want to leave
IT becuase it doesnt make me happy anymore.

I want to study again. I want to take up Fashion Design because drawing makes me happy. But Im scared to go to Design school because I know I lack the basic skills needed and because I know Im not that financially capable.

I am in a rut.

I know what I want to do, that at least is the first step... knowing what one wants.

Most of whom I know "envy" the fact that I KNOW WHAT I WANT. I dont understand it really. It is so easy to know what one wants in life. The problem with knowing is that sometimes, or most of the times, everything that youre doing becomes trivial. It becomes aimless.


I am in the middle of a Life Crisis.

Confused, tired, torn, desperate, jealous and wanting more.

And to think... Im just 23 years old.


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