.:: daemon

Quartered Life (originally posted on http://daemoneyes.deviantart.com on May 28 2006)

Im only 23 years old. Going 24 this coming October.

I should be in control of my IT career. I should be out there tearing the corporate standards. I should be out there showing the IT world what I have to offer.

I should be out there among the thousands of IT professionals who are making big bucks.

But I dont want to... well except for making big bucks.

In the span of the first year of my corporate life, Ive worked for two companies. One is a bank and the other is a Software BPO oriented company.

I only lasted about a month and a half in my first job. I quitted.

As for the second job, Im entering my 10th month here. Contemplating on quitting.

For the first few months of my corporate life, I enjoyed it. I was proud. I held my chin high.
But everything got old.

Work became a burden. Im not enjoying it anymore. Im not proud of it anymore. I couldnt hold my chin high anymore.
I am fed up with it.
I want to quit my job.
I want to quit the IT industry.

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A friend once told me, that it is so sad to see someone like me who is good in what I do... hate what I do.
At some level I agree with him.

But there is a part of me that is craving for something more. I want to share my talent with the whole world. I want to be where most actors, singers and fashion designers are. I want to be out there in the spotlight.

I just dont want to accept defeat from the fact that I am going to live my life as a corporate slave. I dont want to accept defeat from the fact that I will live my life the way millions of other people around the world are living theirs.
But not everyone is given an oppurtunity to be out there in the spotlight. Not everyone is as lucky as the celebrities
who glam the front pages of the magazines. Not everyone is as lucky as the singers who can share their talent. Not everyone is as lucky as the designers who show their art to the world.

But I want to be one of them. I envy them. I want to be given an oppurtunity. I dont want to be like the rest of the millions of people around the world who are contented with the way they are.I dont want to accept defeat.

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I am only 23 years old. And yet, I am in the middle of a Life Crisis.

It has come to the point that I want to do alot of things at the same time. And when I do finally set my priority list, I often contradict my decisions.

I am confused. I dont know what to do.

I dont want to leave IT because I know this is what I do fairly best and it pays good. But I want to leave
IT becuase it doesnt make me happy anymore.

I want to study again. I want to take up Fashion Design because drawing makes me happy. But Im scared to go to Design school because I know I lack the basic skills needed and because I know Im not that financially capable.

I am in a rut.

I know what I want to do, that at least is the first step... knowing what one wants.

Most of whom I know "envy" the fact that I KNOW WHAT I WANT. I dont understand it really. It is so easy to know what one wants in life. The problem with knowing is that sometimes, or most of the times, everything that youre doing becomes trivial. It becomes aimless.

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I am in the middle of a Life Crisis.

Confused, tired, torn, desperate, jealous and wanting more.

And to think... Im just 23 years old.