directions

if all directions that i have taken...

led to my heart being broken...

then where does one go from here?

the truth...

the truth is...

everytime i see same-sex-male couples...

my inner-self, crawls to a corner...

bows my head, and i find my inner-self sobbing...

yes... im green with envy...

sure, i'm as happy as the next single gay guy out there...

but as i look at how happy they are..

at how they're building their future...

i weep for my current situation...

is happiness to much to ask for?

i think i deserve it...

i guess, that love story i was expecting God to finish writing...

isnt yet finished...

that or...

i was never meant to have one...

...

...

tired...

im so tired...

everything is...

from my heart to my brain to my body...

but the thought of not being you is driving me to push more...

to exert more...

im not giving up...

not just yet...

lost

Ive forgotten how it is to love myself.

Ive forgotten the feeling of being loved.

Ive now lost hope and belief in love.

what the hell...

ok, so i think im getting into something serious here...

im excited for the future...

but it scares the shitload out of me...

the thought of it gives me goosebumps...

theres alot to consider with this one...

i dont think im ready yet...

i dont think im ready to be an adult yet...

the decisions needed on this one requires maturity...

knowing me...

im still not there...

frack...

come on...

what the hell am i thinking about getting a place of my own...

when i barely have a job...

and to top it all on that, there is a probability that...

that...

hmmm...

cant let the cat out of the bag yet...

aaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh!

this is sooooo frustrating...

affected...

after all this time...

seeing how 'youre' doing...

im affected...

i dont buy it, when you say that you've crossed over the fence...

i think you're still into guys...

its obvious...

pretty much...

i shouldn't be this affected...

but i'am...

you were mine...

and i screwed up...

...

...

funny...

as im writing this, the next track on my playlist sings...

* 'cause its over, (girl) you know its over this time *

comfort...

i soooo missed eating at mcdonalds...

its been a good two months since ive had me some mcdonalds...

changed all of that today...

chowed down two cheeseburgers, two large fries, three bbq sauces and one large coke...

thats what i call pigging out...

i feel guilty about it...

but then again, theres nothing wrong with chowing down on comfort foods...

plus, im excited to sweat it all out at the gym tom...

to comfort food...

=)

heres another month before i do mcdonalds again...

lol

shameful shameful...

yes...

im shameful...

so so so so so shameful...

on being touched...

it feels good to be 'touched' that way again...

but it really didn't change a thing...

---

through it all id still rather have someone hug and sleep beside me the whole night...

someone to hold my hand while walking...

someone to kiss me on the forehead just because he think its cute...

id rather have those anytime of the day...

hands-down...

turn in change

lifted from one of my online profile sites...

---

i used to write alot of things here...

things that will make me look good for someone...

but things must change...

and so, i have to move on...

i have to learn to move on...

i am spent and i am broken...

and id like to meet someone who is real...

someone who wont leave just because there are complications...

someone who wont play with my vulnerability...

someone who will show me that i can still believe in hope and love...

i need someone to fix me...

and the door closes...

as fast as it came...

as quickly it ended...

thats how seemingly good things come into my life...

thats my story...

ever the same...

never changing...

all i can do is try hard...

to smile...

to forget the feeling of being wanted...

and once again...

im left alone...

* great *

litanya

disclaimer : please give me this post to rant... i just need an outlet to 'shout' it all out...
i dont mean to offend anyone, and in case you did, guess im talking about you...

----

sabi nila di mo kelangan hanapin ang pag-ibig...

sabi nila kelangan mo lang maghintay at darating yon...

hindi ako nakinig...

sinuway ko ang mga bilin ng aking mga kaibigan...

at eto na ako...

dahil sa aking pagkakaroon ng matigas na ulo...

lagi na lang ako nasasaktan...

di na na nasanay...

di na natuto...

sa totoo lang...

tuwing nauuwi sa wala ang lahat ng nagiging mga kadate ko...

o mga nakakausap ko...

sobra akong nasasaktan...

pakiramdam ko, wala akong kwenta...

kahit anong pursigo ko sa pagpapaganda ng kaanyuan ko...

di parin ito sapat...

laging kulang...

pagod na ako...

at unti unti na akong nawawalan ng pag-asa...

nahihirapan na ako magtiwala...

sa ideya na may tao pang magkakagusto sa akin...

oo na, aaminin ko...

mapili ako...

eh tangina naman...

kung ang ibang pangit dyan, may karapatan maging mapili...

ako pa...

kung tutuusin maraming may hitsura dyan...

at maganda ang hubog ng katawan...

pero puta naman, mga kloseta kayo...

kung sa gym, lalaking lalake kayo umasta...

makikikta ko na lang kayo sa labas, mas malambot pa sa dalagang naglalandi...

at may hand-bag pa...

DUDE, i talk 'straighter' and act 'straighter' than most of you...

tapos ako pa hihiritan nyo na effem... FUCK YOU pare...

di ko na lam kung saan ako pupuwesto...

papaka-santo ako at hahabulin ko seryosong relasyon - i get turned down...

papaka-pokpok ako - i get shut down...

fuck it...

ano ba?!?

napapagod na ako...

pagod na pagod na ako...

im spent on putting up this facade and letting everyone think im alright...

im spent on being patient...

bastusan ba gusto nyo?

go... kaya ko yan...

ive nothing to lose...

wala akong kelangan itago...

alam ng lahat na bading ako...

alam ng lahat na in-love ako sa isang straight na guy...

bukas na bukas ang libro ng buhay ko...

fuck it...

fuck it talaga...

di ko na talaga kaya minsan...

bakit lagi na lang ganito...

when will things start being better...

when...