so today was fun...

better than what i expected...

well...

i really didnt expect that in coming...

i though it would be just a normal afternoon...

just a passing of what you wanted me to do...

one, two, three... blah blah...

its nice that we're past that akwardness...

still a bit weird though...

so joking around, i enjoyed it...

it appeared to me that you were enjoying it too...

then you dropped a bomb...

though jokingly...

"hello...", you said...

"nooohh, thats not a good idea... moreso, when he gets to answer the phone...", i said...

"hmm... what if i tell him im gay?...", you said...

* my eyes began to widen *
* slaps myself back to reality *

"thats even a bad idea...", i said...

then you just smiled...

---


believe me when i say that im thinking that it was all a joke...

a conversation between two friends...

i try hard to no think about it too much...

growing accustomed to you, its slowly sinking in that maybe...

maybe we're just friends...

maybe...

i know you're all sick to your stomachs with my un-ending rants about my boyfriend... about HIM...

i really never thought that id be this way...

its all i really think about nowadays...

theres no contentment on my part...

im always envious of other people...

of how they work together as a couple..

of how one can give up almost anything for their significant other...

of how "stable" their relationship is...



thats just me.. i guess...

ever since i can remember, im that type of person who thinks that the weight of the whole world is on their shoulders...

that everyone is against them...

that i am just a nobody...

* yes... self-confidence issues again *

---

last saturday, me and bryan met for lunch...

when i saw him, i felt irritated...

i felt as if he was a burden on me...

although i did miss him...

there was this feeling of "annoyance" on my part...

have i really fallen out of love with him?

---

and then theres you...

well what about?

oops, forgot about the promise...

lets just say, its slowly sinking in...

yes, after a couple of months, its just now that its sinking in...

---


i was sketching lately...

and it seems that i cant get the image of this sketch out of my head...


who are you?

are you my dream guy?

damn, i have never sketched a guy that "handsome" til yesterday...

guess all the "emotions" have been poured out on this single and simple piece...

i wish that everything will fall into place...

let what destiny laid out, happen...

trust...

it seems to be the main focus of whats wrong in my life...

i dont know really... but im just like that with everyone...

regardless of the degree of my relationship...

...
...

i really really want to get it off my chest... but the call to go to bed is sooo strong...

...
...

guess ill have to put this on hold for a while...

well, its either that or i just dont feel that blogging what happened between me and bryan

is important...

lately... i dont feel that hes important to me anymore...

as i to him...

...
...

crap, my minds fucked up again...

...
...

theres nothing really nice to write about right now...

...
...

fuck it...

shaken...

i cannot concentrate...

what does it mean?

my blog is already a year old...

been a long time already...

didnt think that id keep this blogging thing up...

well here it is...

at least ive committed to something (oh, wait its another thing...)

anyway...

2008... i need to take this blogging thing to a new level...

id like to believe that im a creative person...

and i have loads of ideas thats just begging to be realized...

thats why ive decided to start a new project of sorts...

besides doing regular sketch / graphic / photography sessions...

im going to try my hand at creative writing...

i dont know whats gotten into me... but i have this urge to narrate stories about well, similar to my life...

so its like a "para-blog"...

i cant really explain it...

need to set the genre, storyline and characters first...

wow... this is going to surely keep my preoccupied...

i hope it takes off...

anyway watch out for my "para-blog"

ok so im a sucker for romantic flicks...

and lately, ive come across to watch some local romantic flicks...

call me a hypocrite if you must, but im a romantic fool...

and... "tagalog" has its way of delivering emotions...

it just feels so genuine... so sincere...

anyway, heres a line from a movie... i think its quite appropriate to my suiting...

theres so much for me to say...

so much inside thats penting up...

i want to write everything here...

but i am compelled to keep it to myself...

i know whats inside is already splattered all through out my diary...

but everyday, theres always something new about something so old...

im tired and spent of keeping it to myself, but i have too...

for my friends...

i will surely try...

i know its for my own good...

but...

its just too much...

not talking about it... its already killing me inside...

heck, talking about it, already kills me..

im at conflict, as always...

to blog or not to blog...

* sigh *

salamat...

...

...

What Gerald Villamil Means

You are deeply philosophical and thoughtful. You tend to analyze every aspect of your life.You are intuitive, brilliant, and quite introverted. You value your time alone.Often times, you are grumpy with other people. You don't appreciate them trying to interfere in your affairs.You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone.You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together.At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together.You are wild, crazy, and a huge rebel. You're always up to something.You have a ton of energy, and most people can't handle you. You're very intense.You definitely are a handful, and you're likely to get in trouble. But your kind of trouble is a lot of fun.You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection. You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive. You have the classic "Type A" personality.You are relaxed, chill, and very likely to go with the flow.You are light hearted and accepting. You don't get worked up easily.Well adjusted and incredibly happy, many people wonder what your secret to life is.You are balanced, orderly, and organized. You like your ducks in a row.You are powerful and competent, especially in the workplace.People can see you as stubborn and headstrong. You definitely have a dominant personality.You are very hyper. You never slow down, even when it's killing you.You're the type of person who can be a workaholic during the day... and still have the energy to party all night.Your energy is definitely a magnet for those around you. People are addicted to your vibe.You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing.You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long.You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start.You are confident, self assured, and capable. You are not easily intimidated.You master any and all skills easily. You don't have to work hard for what you want.You make your life out to be exactly how you want it. And you'll knock down anyone who gets in your way!

ok...

is it just me...

or was there tension so thick, i could cut it with a knife...

what the fuck, man...

things are getting complicated...

and i wanna "cross" this bridge that we're on...

* sigh *

the other side looks relaxing...

id love to leave my past behind...

can you stop playing, and come with me to the other side?

Saw an episode of Miami Ink recently...

I must say, tattoo-design is a field that i havent considered...

Anyway, after that... I have this sudden urge to get myself one before I turn 30 (which is 5 years down the road)...

Im seriouslly getting one for my back...

Hopefully by then, my back would be defined... =)

At the rate that Im going, things are going to get good before the summer of this year...

Here are a couple of designs that Im considering...

A and B - Dragon
C - Gothic Cross
D - Angel Wings



What do you guys think?

Got suggestions for tattoo designs?

im glad its over...

well, it was quite a welcome change...

ei? not really...

* from this point, conscience checks out and "bitchiness" checks in *

i would rather have spent my first weekend with my bf...

would rather have spent it working out...

but noooo...

my first 2008 weekend was spent with a bunch of stuck-up, so serious, old officemates (say for some)...

which entails me to miss two (2) days of gym, and a day of "alone" time with my bf...

* curses *

I HATED IT... really...

Maybe Im just good at "pretending" thats why I looked like I enjoyed it...

But I really really didnt...

I mean come on, the real purpose of our excursion could have been achieved in the offie... on a regular work-day...

achievements? plans for the year? team-building?

yeah right...

i dont give a fuck...

id have more fun reading a book than being there...

fuck...

I just hate where I am right now...

most of the people in my department sucks...

theyve got no ounce of class...

theres no one "nice" to look at...

theyre all just frumpy...

frumpy, commoners...

i sound so conceited... dont i?

well im that...

got a problem with it...

* screams with frustration *

about you

ive been doubting how you really feel about me...

eventhough we've been together for a year and four months now...

i still cant help but doubt you...

maybe that explains why i leave myself open to fall for other guys...

its not an excuse to as how i feel for the other one...

anyway, this blog aint about the other one...

you, somewhat proved that you really love me...

i think... * scratches head *

so... today, we went out...

it was one of those dates where there wasnt any "concrete" plans...

had a good conversation over dinner...

funny stuff...

though i had moments where i could see myself roll my eyes...

just didnt show you...

we then had coffee...

and the good conversation continued to flow...

then silence...

you sipped your hot tea...

i took a bite of my choco-banana cupcake...

then you asked me...

"beh sino pa nag *** sayo?"

a question that caught me off-gaurd...

rolled my eyes, sighed and said... "kaw lang naman... di ka ba naniniwala?"

he begs off to explain why he asked such question...

we reached a point when he said...

"eh nagseselos naman talaga ako eh... di ko alam kung ano ginagawa mo pag di tayo magkasama..."

seeing the way he looked, while he said that...

i can say that he was sincere...

either that or he's just a really good actor...

but from where i was standing, he was sincere...

we stopped the conversation before things get heated up...

i was surpirsed...

its the first time that i heard those words from you...

awed...

rattled...

so you do really love me...

was a bit bummed out after...

we didnt even get a chance to hug, or kiss, or...

the space, the time werent just right...

i miss kissing your lips...

i miss your breathe touching my nape...

* crap *

why does my weekend have to be taken away...

stupid work stuff...

* sigh *

one more week to wait...

hopefully by then we'll make up...

we'll really make up for lost time...

...
...
...

and oh by the way...

sorry for everything...

belated happy 16th month to us...

I love you baby...

i know my blog has been over-run with drama for the past few months..

i just cant help it...

if i dont find an outlet for the things inside me,

who knows what kind of stupid things id get myself in to...

so please indulge me on yet another (and a few more future entries) dramatic post...

please...

---

funny...

today we didnt just seem to cross paths...

i dont know if its fate or its just you avoiding me...

i accepted that today was just a normal gym day for me...

no interaction of sorts...

sad.. a bit...

then you come "barging" in...

and of all the places...

i wondered about your "alibi"...

about you being there...

assuming as always...

it was nice to hear you say those words...

complimenting how i look...

complimenting what i was wearing...

thank you...

its not that often that id hear that from you...

* crap *

and there we go again, another revolution in this circular road we're on...

when will it end?

or will it?

or will i allow it to end?

or will you allow it to end?

* sigh *

---

i was browsing through pex...

saw this posted under one of the topics that i usuall go to...

it kinda sums up what i want to tell "him"...

ano kaya magiging reaction mo ...

kung sabihin ko syo na crush kita..
kung sabihin ko syo na miss na kita...
kung sabihin ko syo na hinahanap-hanap kita...
kung sabihin ko syo na gusto kita lagi kausap...
kung sabihin ko syo na gusto kita lagi kasama...
kung sabihin ko syo na may nararamdaman ako syo...

ano kaya magiging reaction mo...?

...
...
...

so... ano magiging reaction mo?

fuck...

its freezing cold here...

good thing i stumbled upon this cosmo interview during jake cuencas shoot for the cosmo bachelor bash...

hahahaha...

this post is so random...


hay jake...

* drools *

its a brand new year...

im expecting for things to change...

im expecting for me to move on...

but how come, after seeing "you" awhile ago...

i feel as if "our" situation will forever remain in a stand-still...

it felt like, we'll keep on playing this game...

arent you tired?

i am...

but what can i do...

nothing really...

i am nothing but a romantic fool hoping for something that will never ever be...

i need to stop...

i need to start the ball rolling...

i need to move on...

* bangs head with nearest hard object *

seems to me that this is the only thing that i cannot do...

everything else seems so simple...

but "you" have proven to be a burden...

one of which im finding it hard to believe that i cannot think of letting go...

* slaps self *

wake up daemon... its a brand new year...

this is no time to stand still...