.:: daemon

What a differene a week makes. Last week, it all seemed that we're ok. And this weekend is entirely different,

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My past has come back to bite me in the ass.

Yesterday, Bryan came over.

We didnt have the usual niceties... what we had instead was an akward silence.

With our food in place, we headed up to my room.

We sat down on my bed... I was waiting for him to talk.

Then... he said, "Lika... kain na muna tayo.". I wasnt in the mood to eat.

I stared at him while he was eating... waiting...

I was actually scared...

After 5 excruciating minutes of waiting... he started talking...

"Gerald... Im disappointed with you... ang liit ng mundo noh?... Mahal na mahal kita, kaya nasasaktan ako dahil sa nalaman ko. Parepareho lang pala kayong lahat."

I asked... he explained...

I could see from the way he was narrating that he was hurt, angry and very disappointed...

"Ano ba ang gusto mo na setup? Sige payagan kita na makipagchat, maghanap ng temporary fix mo... but dont expect that from me."

I couldnt find any words to protect me to help me out of the hole that Ive dug.

I was guilty... point blank.

You see... in the first few months of our relationship... I wasnt sure about us...

We were intimate once, (intimate pertaining to more than kissing)... before we became a couple.

After we became a couple... everything changed.

Yes we would still be kissing. We would be hugging. We would be holding hands.

But we never shared the bed the same way (that only time) we did before.

I was distraught because he blatantly said that "Its something that he's not really that comfortable of doing.".

And everytime I would bring that up, we would always end up arguing.

Lessons learned - Dont push for that. - I understood. So I stopped talking about it with him.

On the surface, it looked like we were ok. But inside I was screaming... asking why...

He says... he loves me... but with that specific "need", I questioned his sincerity.

During that time, I couldnt confide with him... I couldnt confide with anyone...

So I turned to chatting.

Met some guys and had a few "one-nighters".

Yeah, Im a slut. I get that.

But those times, I felt that I was wanted... not loved exactly... but wanted.

It was a temporary fix.

I know our situation is not an excuse.

But I still did it anyway.

Its hard when you dont get intimacy with the person that you love. And living with it for the past 9 months. It really sucks. Masakit. I feel as if he neglects that part of our relationship.

And frankly... masakit. Sobra.

Anyway...

I was crying yesterday. I was scared of what the day was about to bring.

I was saying sorry. I was begging for forgiveness.

He wasnt speaking.

He was laying on his side and watching tv now... He said... "Ok na."

Thats all...

I was bewildered by that situation.

I went beside him. Hugged hiim. But I was still crying.

I was crying because... "I was happy that he forgave me and at the same time I was disappointed at myself for hurting him.".

I didnt mean to hurt him naman.

It made me sad to know that he thought that I would be the person that he would be giving "IT" to. Giving in to what I want because he loves me.

I dont know where the situation brings us on that aspect now. I feel that whatever progress we had just went down the drain.

So we spent an hour hugging... he fell asleep.

I found myself asking... "Do I really deserve him?" and yet at the same time I also thought "Why cant you?"

He's not the villain of the story. After what I did.

But yeah... "may pagkukulang sya".

Its not the only thing I want from him. Its just a part of it. Its just part of being in a "RELATIONSHIP".

And Im still a GUY to look for it. =(

When he woke up, its as if he was a different person. He wasnt angry anymore. But I bet he was still disappointed.

I didn want to let go of him, but i knew I couldnt make him stay. I never could.

We left each other feeling a bit ok. Trying to turn things back to normal.

I promised him that I would never ever do it again. I committed myself to him again, only exclusive to each other.

But Im finding it so hard na magtiis.

Again...

not to be able to passionately kiss you...

not to be able to sleep beside you...

not to be able to be intimate with you...

Masakit.

But I have to hold all of those in.

Because I love him so much and the thought of losing him scares me.

Sounds martyr-ish? Yeah... it does.

But thats how I really feel.