just wanna share...

last saturday, me and bryan were supposed to meet for my bday "celebration"...

unfortunately i had work and he had a family thing to attend to at 6pm...

but... the sweet thing was, he stopped by my place (from pampangga) to surprise me with this...


a cake...

i was shocked that he would do that...

i dont expect romantic stuffies from him... so for him to drop by my place just to give me a cake made me blushy inside...

unfortunately, we hadnt had the chance to eat the cake together and have some ehrm... alone-time because he had to leave for that family thing... =(

sadness...

after bryan left, i went on to go gyming... it was a bit weird gyming until closing time...

the gym was nearly empty, say for a few members, instructors and staff...

gyming was comfortable and yet... i felt so alone...

* sigh *

anyway, i was really looking forward to the long weekend... i need some me-time...

so, counting down the day...

monday... elections blah blah blah...

tuesday... meetings, work stuff, deadlines blah blah blah blah...

btw... tuesday was a good day... someone up there gives everyone a break... =)

and wednesday... well the office declared a 300pm dismissal... got around to leave the office at around 500pm...

bryan texted me the day before, and asked me if we could meet up today...

well, because i missed my baby so much, i obliged to meet up with him...

what originally started with us meeting in glorietta, ended up with us meeting in robinsons place manila...

left makati at 530pm and got to rob manila at 630pm...

got there, first thing we did was to say hi to rica... after all this was here "home"... hehehe

after saying our hi's and hello's... we went on to look for somewhere to eat...

what got us instead was this sale in sports stuff in the middle...

and after an hour of rifting through some stuff, i ended up with two new pairs...

a pair of Nike cross trainers...


and a pair of Fila sneakers...


god dangit.. "napagastos tuloy ako..."

anyway bryan ended with one pair of fila sneakers and a pair of rubber shoes...

i miss hanging out with my bf sooo much...

that and the other thing too... hahaha

crap... things are going to be that difficult when he leaves...

=(

anyway, after shoe shopping, we grabbed a quick bite at Wendys...

after which we went home...

i was a bit disappointed at how bryan refuses to be kissed (passionately)...

he wasnt that much responsive... but he kept on saying that he misses me...

now this is one of those moments where i think about his sincerity...

i dunno...

im happy with my boyfriend... though i still find myself strongly attracted to other guys...

ehrm...

hmmm didnt i just write something about that in my previous entries?

god dangit... * slam head on table top *...

anyway... i hope things will be back to normal for us...

and i do hope that we can get some time alone this saturday...

* scratches

i think since i've publicly posted my feelings for you, i have this strange feeling that you know...

you pretend you don't... but i have this gut feeling that you do...

explains why you have'nt been talking much to me lately...

it saddens me...

though i know this is for the better...

i can finally let go of you...

i think...

im still in the process of accepting and learning how to see myself without you in the aspect that i wanted you and i to be in...

i tell myself that its ok if we dont get to talk...

its ok if you ignore me...

its ok...

after all...

i dont even think you saw me as a friend...

thats why im done...

ive had enough...

i wont chase something that i know will elude me for the rest of my life...

and please dont bring me back in...

i dont want to hope for anything anymore...

... happiness ...

the adrenalin rush that today gave me...

the responsibility stacked on my desk..

today feels good...

its different...

i should be crushed with all the responsibility stacked on my shoulder...

the projects, committees, program...

its all piling up...

but yet... i seem to be enjoying things...

weird...

really weird...

ive been meaning to write something about turning 25...

it should be of my accomplishments...

my realized dreams...

and so far... ive come about to write nothing...

sad isnt it?

so... with my list of practically nothing...

i vow that before i turn 30...

i would have done everything i have set out to do...

and be everything that i wished to be...

this is a promise...

its time to clean up my act...

get ready world...

here i come...

...

...

ehrm...

anyone got a map on how to do this stuff?

hehehe

indulge me on this one...

at least give me this space to be happy...

even just for today...

HAPPY 25th BIRTHDAY... TO ME...


...

...

pathetic... isnt it?

have the tables finally turned?

what used to be an air of flirtation has become an air of coldness?

so this is how it felt like...

maybe this is for the better...

maybe this time id forget about you...

i cant say, really...

jeez... how come im so affected when youre being cold to me?

well are you?

come on man... im tired of playing this cat-and-mouse game with you...

i want to lay my cards down the table..

so on my part it will be all over...

but then, i dont think id want this game to ever end...

its the only thing i have with you...

* sigh *

why cant i just forget you?

why do i make myself suffer?

why do i make things complicated?

why do you make me suffer?

why do you make things complicated for me?

everybodys growing up...

i should too...

time to hang up the kid cap and don on my fedora...

time to leave the land of slumber and wake up to the real world...

ive been slacking around and now ive been left behind..

i need to get back into the race...

i need to prove to the world that i am more what my limitations set on me...

i should grow up...

should i?

i need to take everything one at a time...

i need to live with the decisions no matter how wrong they were...

i need to get my sanity back...

i need to find myself again...

was i blinded?

i guess i just never learn...

"nasaktan na nga ako't lahat lahat... pero di pa rin ako natuto..."

how can i be so stupid to let myself fall for your trap again...

god i must be the most stupid person in the whole world...

i thought that i would get over you...

i thought that after a week it'll be all over...

i thought that if id see you two, together, i wouldnt be affected...

but my thoughts betray me...

i tried to ignore what my eyes could see...

i tried to convince myself that it werent true...

but it is...

i need help to get over you...

i need to find my way back to sanity...

i cant go through everyday seeing you and knowing that things will never be...

"ayaw ko na..."

...

and yet, i just cant stop thinking about you...

everything that we've shared...

i wish those were enough...

but its not...

getting over you isnt as easy as i thought it was...

slowly... as each day progress...

and as i find my way back to comfort..

i know ill get over you...

image credits Falling by PRiCk-ed @ devart

everything is falling apart...

i need someone to catch me...

im done with the past...

i think im ready to move on...

so is it goodbye for good?

fuck it...

fuck it...

hey there...

i dont know how to say it in front of you...

though YES i like the "attention" that you give...

id like you to know that it kills me when you talk to me...

"masakit pa rin eh..."

i know you mean well... i think...

and im sorry for being so cold...

i do manage to get in a smile once in awhile...

but i find it hard to not get over the fact that i wasted so much time wondering if we'd ever be...

i dont want you to stop talking to me...

but at the same time i dont want to feel stupid again...

simple things like talking to me... carry me away...

so...

i really dont know...

id go mad if youd never speak to me...

id go mad if you keep on speaking to me...

its a struggle on my part...

im trying sooo hard...

but you make hating you not easy...

im not that kind of person...

ok i need to watch out what im eating...

i dont know if im gaining muscle mass or fat mass....

but one things for certain... im fucking going back to food control...

fuck...

anyway before i start, this has been a weeks overdue... last last week, i had my hair cut short...

its been awhile since ive done short hair... and after have two weeks with it... i love it...

anyway heres a recent shot of me with my short hair...

* hay *

im back to wearing cream/gel again...

so what do you guys think? long or short?

---

so... my saturday was a bust... "badtrip"...

first of all bryan couldnt make it because of his training thingie...

second, well second... i finally learned the truth...

guess that was that... a couple of months wasted... * sigh *

and the worst part of that is i made a fool of myself online...

arrrgggghhh... * frustration *

and even if that werent enough i saw them waiting for a bus on my way home...

someone out there must really hate me so much...

and again, i cried myself to sleep last night...

i wanted to hold back the tears...

the tears won...

* sigh *

---

so waking up sunday morning, i wasnt really feeling that all great...

i was anticipating that bryan would cancel on his promise again so i got around to eat breakfast early and prepared my stuff for the gym...

after eating breakfast, i saw a text on my phone "beh im on my way there... blah blah"...

so i went around to quickly fixing the place up and took a quick shower...

prepared for something to eat.. and waited...

twenty minutes passed... and he arrived...

we just spent most of the morning wrapped in each others arm...

the rest... was well... ehrm some well deserved alone-time... hahaha

anyway... being with him always made me feel wonderful...

its like whenever hes beside me... i feel as if hes not going away anymore...

but it was different...

i cant really explain it... but it was different... different, not in a good way...

its like im ready to let him go...

maybe its just me training myself to be far away from him...

am i ready to have a "long-distance-relationship"?

there are alot of question that comes into mind when ldr is talked about...

honesty, intimacy, communication... things that i know WE both need working on...

im really scared for US...

what will happen in the next 8 months that we're not together...

everything is uncertain...

and it sucks...

---

* sigh *

going back... after having much alone time together... bryan needed to head back to pampangga...

it was a bit early for me... around 1230... so i decided to go the gym (with his permission of course)...

so i got to quickly dress up, fixed my gym stuff... and off we went...

i asked bryan if he could accompany me to the gym...

he was hessitant at first, but he complied...

now i know i had a hidden agenda... but i wasnt expecting that i would actually happen...

anyway got off the elevator, and the first person that i see is "him"...

i could just paint the scenario that we were in...

i dont know if it matters for "him"... but i want "him" to know that im still happy with my bryan despite all of our issues...

and that, well i might be eating my words but what the heck, im on the process of accepting the truth and hopefully, ill get over you...

i just hope that he realizes how hurt i was by what he did...

intenionally or not...

it hurts...

so much...

to feel that someone I LIKE could probably LIKE ME, romantically...

and have the world cave down on those feelings...

yeah it hurts...

---

* sigh *

so feeling that ive just ridden an emotional roller coaster... i wanted to treat myself with my guilty pleasure...

after gym, i headed straight for glorietta... i was so wanting to eat at Burger King...

i got around to order one of their burger/fries combo meal...

and...

well, the cherry on the top of the whole meal...

a BK Butterfinger Cream Cake...

|

* drools *

hmm butterfinger...

even after hours of eating the stuff, just looking at the picture reminds me of how sweet and chewy the butterfinger pieces were...

* drools *

yesterday gave me a scare...

when youre as dependent on technology as i am...

a simple glitch can become a total nightmare...

and so yesterday it happened...

it started with my Creative Neeon 2... i did the normal process of clicking the "safely remove hardware" icon from the task bar... and so i did...

after having been notified that its ok for me to remove the device connection from the pc...

and so did...

strangely enough, the player was turned off...

i tried turning it on, but it wouldnt... i was in panic already, though i calmly told myself that my Neeon was still under warranty...

but i was "scared"; though i had to let it be, what could i have done... i was off to the gym... i just couldnt drop gym for my Neeon... i have saturday for that...

so off i went...

gyming... i was using my moto s9...

i was half into my routine when i pressed the play/pause button of my s9...

expecting it to stop...

it just went on to skip to the next track...

this got me worried initially so i started tweaking the connectioon but that didnt pan out...

i retired my s9 and z6...

after finishing my routine i went at it again...

but still the problem prevailed...

now im worried...

the thought of my s9 being week-old and now having some "issues" got me scared...

and to add more damaging blows... the volume-up button didnt work too...

thoughts of panic ran through my head... and i was really bummed going home with two broken gadgets...

but i knew that there has to be some explanation online...

and so when i got home, ate dinner and took a bath...

i was set to find out the answers online (geesh that sounded soooo geeky...)

and so i did...

--- fast forward ---

first... my Neeon... i tried updating the firmware, but it was useless because the device wasnt recognized when i inserted it into my usb port... i toyed around with the manual, making sure i read every FAQ available... since that was a bust... i turned to my player...

stared at it for a couple of minutes...

trying to figure out what to do...

and i thought of... "hmmm reset? will that do the trick?"

so i borrowed a safety pin from my mom and surprisingly enough... my Neeon turned on...

whew...

so thats one down and one more to go...

as for my Moto s9... well nothing i could do about it... it was already late late in the night and the net was just filtered with the same issue as i had...

so i just settled to write motorola philippine service center a letter...

i left it out and hoped for the better...

--- fast forward to today ---

i decided to call motorola at digital exchange... told them my situation with my s9 and theyll gladly replace it...

after the phone call... i tried my s9 again...

and to my surprise... all buttons are now working...

freak!!!

that really gave me a scare...

* hay *

im so glad that both are now fixed...

really gives me comfort now...

* thinks *

entry was tooo geeky... hahaha

i really dont have any proof...

but from what ive heard...

i can say that...

"naging isa akong malaking tanga.."

ive been stupid ever-since ive known and had feelings for you... i still do by the way...

im stupid for putting myself out there making everyone believe that you were interested...

im stupid for allowing myself to fall for you...

im stupid for not listening to my friends...

im stupid, point blank...

i had a gut feeling that you were straight and yet, i made myself believe that you were otherwise...

you know, it kills me that other people have tickled you, have constantly approached you for small talk...

i knew that you didnt really like that...

i waited on the side-lines believing that if i didnt force myself on you... you would see...

but i guess, you wouldnt have even noticed...

because youre not one of us...

all this time, it seemed that my suspicions were on the dot...

you and her...

maybe its meant to be like this...

im stupid to say this...

but i feel that im going to cry myself to sleep... again...

and all the times that i have done that...

i have cried myself to sleep all because of a guy...

i hate myself for being like this...

i know im better than this...

but right now, it seems that everyones going away... everything doesnt seem to have a future anymore...

and i just dont want to let go...

for those who know me personally...

you might find this weird...

but as im typing this...

tears are flowing down my eyes...

---

"sige, you won... i guess tama ka pala... ambisyoso lang pala ako"...

i have to accept it...

this time i know i have to...

why?

i always ask myself...

why do you have to be soooo darn "friendly"?

i know youre just being playful in a friend-kind of way...

but have you not thought about how much it drives me nuts...

how much i want to say the things that i want to say, yet i cannot...

* sigh *

you drive me up the wall and i hate it...

and yet.. i anticipate every moment that we talk...

yes... i do...

how i wish youd now how i feel...

but im scared, that id lose whatever thing we have...

whatever it maybe, its something im happy to have...

im through hiding behind smiles...

i want you to know..

i really do...

im sad for a friend, well acquaintance..

i hold them both in such high regards that i dream of molding my own relationship with theirs...

hey, if you get to read this...

i hope that everything between you guys works out...

and though i know were not that really close, but i can always lend an ear...

just got my new toy last friday...

and its been just 4 days, but ive totally fallen for my motorola z6...

the best thing about this is that it comes with a motorola bluetooth stereo headset s9...

* hay * love *

here are pics of the phone (taken from the net)... will replace when i get a chance to take pictures of my new toy...



by the way... since ive got a new toy...

this makes me reminisce on the list of mobiles that ive gone through the years...


"addict ba?"

23 days left to 25 to be 25...

26 days left to loneliness...

* sigh *