you know who you are
...
..
.

---

Just So You Know
Jesse McCartney

I shouldn't love you,
But I want to
I just can't turn away
I shouldn't see you
But I can't move
I can't look away

And I don't know
How to be fine when I'm not
Cause I don't know
How to make the feeling stop
Just so you know

This feeling's taking control of me
And I can't help it
I won't sit around
I can't let him win now
Thought you should know
I tried my best to let go of you
But I don't want to
I just gotta say it all before I go
Just so you know

It's getting hard to
Be around you
There's so much I can't say
Do you want me to have the feelings?
And look the other way

And I don't know
How to be fine when I'm not
Cause I don't know
How to make the feeling stop
Just so you know

This feeling's taking control of me
And I can't help it
I won't sit around
I can't let him win now
Thought you should know
I tried my best to let go of you
But I don't want to
Just gotta say it all before I go. (Just so you know)

This emptiness is killing me
I'm wonderin' why I've waited so long
Looking back I realize
It was always there
Just never spoken
I'm waiting here
Been waiting here

Just so you know
This feeling's taking control of me
And I can't help it
I won't sit around
I can't let him win now
Thought you should know
I tried my best to let go of you
But I don't want to
Just gotta say it all before I go
Just so you know
(Whoa, Just so you know,
Whoa, Thought you should know)

I tried my best to let go of you
But I don't want to
Just gotta say it all before I go
Just so you know

Just so you know

it was a simple, non-important in-passing-conversation...

you asked for something...

i said, "sure... its ok... "

you asked again, making sure that i didnt need it...

again i said, "its ok... ill just wait for someone here to finish..."

i was about to give it you, when your hand brush against mine...

i felt a tingle... a "kilig"...

its really weird... really really weird...

you make me feel things that my boyfriend doesnt...

is it because im deeply infatuated with you?

but how come... im deeply in love with my bf...

is it just that im a natural cheater?

today just makes things with you more vague...

stranger...

and yet, i anticipate every "interaction" we have...

wishing that you would just notice me...

im running my mouth off again... and im sure as hell am asking for trouble...

but i really dont care...

go ahead...

say what you will...

ill just enjoy the ride...

ok...

so my weekend was somewhat bad... somewhat good...

but i aint gonna babble about that... hehehe

lets just leave it as the way it was...

well im going to make "kwento" everything on our barkada's next meet up...

so i think i might end up writing the whole thing sometime this week...

anyway...

yesterday was a wet one...

on my way to the gym... my shoe got wet... and my socks got soaked.... crap...

i really need to upgrade my work shoes... hmmm...

so... at the gym... i started off doing my normal routine...

treadmill, weights...

bike...

usually i have this "kasabay" when i go biking... shes one of the foreign clients in the gym...

i think shes american, but her features boast of european (german) descent...

anyway, shes one of the very few people in the gym who "verbally" (and physically) acknowledges how much weight i loss...

so yesterday i was biking... i was halfway through my biking routine when she finished hers...

i was startled when all of a sudden she goes to my side, and says...

"i didnt recognize you... i really didnt recognize you..." all the while she was shaking her head...

"youve really shrunk..." then does a squeezing-a-wet-towel gesture...

i laughed at the thought of not being recognized... but i found it "validating" that people really notice...

what made that gym session a bit more weird was when in the resistance area, i saw faith...

she waved back and called me...

and said the same thing...

"i couldnt recognize you that much... blah blah blah..."...

i dont know if its the hair (yeah, ive reverted back to my old hair style because it becoming long again... but dont fret, im gonna have my haircut on thursday or friday... )

or that ive really dropped alot...

well i know ive dropped alot... as of last saturday, (2 weeks after i had my routine re-assessed), ive dropped almost 9 to 10 lbs... i started my new routine with a whopping gym-weight of 180.+ lbs... i had my BMI taken last saturday... and lo and behold, ive dropped to 171.+ lbs...

wooohooo!!!

at this rate, ill be wearing tighter clothes by christmas... lolz....

hahaha

hmmm i seem to be tooo perky this tuesday morning... * wonders *

i just hope that NOTHING ruins my tuesday... * hopes *

* grins big *

i tell people this...

its a dream...

just magnified to unimaginable proportions...

i know its a far-fetched idea...

but i really want to become a somebody... a famous somebody...

a model or a singer or a designer... just somebody famous...

i dont want to be some random face in the crowd anymore...

i guess we all have this "frustration" within us...

asking all the time, why the world doesnt give us a break...

if youre not that, then... well i dont know...

maybe its just that im such an envious person...

the point is...

"pangarap kong maging sikat..."

and i know this might sound bad...

but i feel that ive got a lot to prove...

i feel the need to prove them wrong...

and the only way i know how is by "achieving" my dream...

right now... ive lost a lot of weight... and its amazing...

i guess thats just the start of things...

i do hope that ill take off someday...

* sigh *

Apologize
Timbaland feat Onerepublic

I’m holding on your rope

Got me ten feet off the ground
And I’m hearing what you say
But I just can’t make a sound
You tell me that you need me
Then you go and cut me down
But wait...
You tell me that you’re sorry
Didn’t think I’d turn around and say..

That it’s too late to apologize, it’s too late
I said it’s too late to apologize, it’s too late

I’d take another chance, take a fall, take a shot for you
And I need you like a heart needs a beat
(But that's nothing new)
Yeah yeah

I loved you with a fire red, now it’s turning blue
And you say
Sorry like the angel heaven let me think was you
But I’m not afraid

It’s too late to apologize, it’s too late
I said it’s too late to apologize, it’s too late
Woahooo woah

It’s too late to apologize, it’s too late
I said it’s too late to apologize, it’s too late
I said it’s too late to apologize, yeah yeah
I said it’s too late to apologize, a yeah

I’m holding on your rope
Got me ten feet off the ground...

if ever that me and bryan dont get to meet this saturday...

this saturday will mark our one month of not seeing each other...

galing noh?

---

I understand that hes been busy lately...

I get that...

Hes been working on his requirements for working abroad...

Yeah he's working abroad...

I dont know what will happen to us...

Its funny... because he keeps on asking me... "Arent you happy for me?" (pertaining to him, well being able to work abroad on a cruise ship)

Of course I am...

But theres a huge huge part of me... that is sad...

i cant even quantify how sad I am...

For me, its kinda stupid asking someone if they feel alright after having a rock hit you on the head...

Thing is, he gets "disappointed" that Im sad...

Is he for real?

Fuck it...

---

I got around to call him after his "sweet" text awhile ago...

I couldnt hold on whats inside...

I wanted to tell him... "Kung gusto, may paraan... kung ayaw may dahilan..."

I told him that... though I rephrased it a bit...

What happened made my head spin...

First, he told me na he was saddened that I would think that...

Second, he wanted to end our conversation...

Third, I ended up saying sorry for something (that I guess wasnt really my fault to begin with)...

Fourth, I was "begging" for him to meet up on saturday (though he already promised, for the nth time, that we would)

Fifth, he dropped the phone on me in the middle of our conversation...

he dropped it...

as if he didnt care...

there was a point after this incident that I felt like I didnt care...

but I did...

I was scared that our saturday meet up wouldnt push through...

I was concerned that he was "pissed"...

I am pissed...

Pissed at how he makes me feel...

Pissed at how he turns the tables around on me...

Pissed at how he treats me...

I love my boyfriend...

But if this is just a stage in our "relationship"... I want this stage to end...

I hate feeling miserable...

But then, with him... Ill be like that...

without him, Ill be still like that...

Fuck it...

Is the pain all worth it?

Are you worth it?

Before Id say yes, in a heartbeat...

Now... I really dont know...

ok...

wasnt really in the mood to write something here...

and im still not in the mood...

because, one, apparently ive been spreading alot of negativity on my bloggie =(...

and i think its time to put that to rest for awhile...

try to change things up a bit...

and second, if im gonna write something, its just going to be the same thing
over and over again...

boyfriend stuff, crush stuff, gym stuff...

and i think for some of my readers out there (if there are any) my rants and raves
are getting a bit old already...

so anyway, i was blog-hopping...

dropped by tiggatigzs' (click at your own risk; blog is not-safe-for-work) blog...

now for me (and i guess other gay people), i place tigz and pooh on a pedestal
because theyre just sooooo darn perfect...

theres no big complication, except for the occasional work stuff that interferes with their
life stuff...

i envy them...

i wish that whoever i end up with...

we'll be just like tigz and pooh..

* sigh *

one can only dream...

im falling out of love with you because you leave me with no choice...

and im falling in love with someone who i know for a fact is friggin' straight...

the hell with it...

i really want to ask you out...

just need the guts to do it...

* slaps self *

im sorry...

i dont usually curse this much...

pero...

tangina mo...

tangina mo talaga...

i cant believe you can say that you love me...

and yet, you can resist not seeing me...

nakakaya mo yon?

miss mo ba talaga ako?

mahal mo ba talaga ako?

so...

"nagparamdam ka na..."

i shrugged you off...

normally i wouldnt...

but im still pissed...

you didnt even say sorry...

---

but then again...

at least now i can breathe a bit better...

knowing that were still ok...

knowing that i still mattered...

knowing that you still love me...

but that short phone call wasnt enough...

i hope you know that...

you owe me big time...

its not a big secret that my relationship with my boyfriend is on the rocks...

i dont even know why...

its been 3 days already... and i still have no text from him...

i still dont even know why he didnt come-by last saturday...

a friend told me that "this might be the end for us..."

well maybe...

i dont know...

i guess im ready to let go...

but i know i cant...

i love my boyfriend too much...

then again...

when i weigh everything, the pros and the cons of our relationship...

the cons outweigh the pros...

* sigh *

i dont know...

i guess i have to wait and see...

---

on the other side of the fence...

with all my emotions being tossed from left to right...

im left to be vulnerable...

my "relationship" with you has been in a stand-still until a couple of weeks ago...

we started to catch each others eye again...

we started to talk, although not as much as we did before...

that was enough with me...

enough to make me smile again...

enough to make me realize that there could be a possibility...

maybe im just imagining things...

over-compensating the lack of "kilig" my boyfriend gives me...

today was no different...

i thought that this day would go by without me being able to talk to you...

we started to exchange smiles...

we started to steal glances...

i liked how it felt...

that was enough, really...

then came the icing on top of the cake...

with a silly silly way to start a conversation...

you invited me for something and i declined...

i normally wouldnt, but i was dead-tired already...

we got a bit lost in the conversation...

and it started with you saying...

"ang dami ng butas ng puso ko..." (yes... cheesy...)...

i laughed, chuckled, saying... "ha? what? cheesy... grabe..."

you walked away, laughing...

i was done with what i was doing...

i approached you... "hindi lang ikaw ang may butas sa puso noh.."

"di ko naman sinabi na ako eh... ikaw..."

then giggled...

i walked away with an enormous smile plastered on my face...

i tried hiding it... but i just couldnt...

i was "kinikilig"...

that word-spatter probably meant nothing... i dont know...

were you flirting with me? or am i just assuming again?

am i setting myself up to look stupid?

i want to ask you alot of questions...

what do you mean by that? the things that you said before?

would me saying that "i miss talking to you" affect whatever we have?

would me telling you the truth on how i feel change us?

theres alot really...

i want to take a chance... but its a big risk...

---

sorry bryan... i dont know why things between us are going nowhere...

i thought we had a future...

guess i was wrong...

i want to say sorry to you because, your giving me no choice...

each day that you dont text me...

each day that youre absent in my life...

your making me fall-out-of-love with you...

somebody is filling a void that youve neglected to fill...

im saddened by that fact... because its you, and still is, the one that i wanted to fill that void...

come back...

i need to know the answers before i take a huge leap...

i guess things will never be the same again...

in a few months time, i wont be able to start or end sentences with the phrase...

"...my boyfriend..."

i dont know...

ive been hurt...

ive been sad...

ive had enough...

i just wish things would be better for me...

but i guess that is even too much to ask...

even now, that ive changed...

i still get the same rejection...

am i that really repulsive that i cant attract anyone?

i know im not like the pretty-boys, the hunk-boys...

i never will be...

and it sucks...

fuck...

i hate how things arent working out for me...

i hate it that i never get what i really want...

i think i deserve a better life...

why do you need to act like you care?

are you acting?

or are you genuinely concerned?

by the way,

why did we feel so akward talking to one another?

why couldnt you look me right in the eye when we talked?

then i again, i couldnt too...

were we "flirting" again?

it felt like it...

the akwardness, the attraction...

or am i just imagining things again...

hmmm... i guess im still day-dreaming...

note to self : please wake up...

daydreamer by =detail24 @ devart

---

here i go again...

day-dreaming as usual...

wake me up from this dream that i know will never ever happen...

bring me back to reality...

please...

fate is just cruel...

you know that romantic-movie-moment that everyone wishes would happen to them...

i dont know if it qualifies as that exactly...

but i bumped (not literally though) into him...

unexpectedly...

for a moment, our eyes met again...

and i felt that i just didnt want to let go of that moment when our eyes locked...

"ano ba talaga?"

its killing me every single day...

not knowing...

always guessing...

come on, fate, give me a break...

if this whole thing is for real, then let me have it...

im through playing around...

please...

just this once...

i miss talking to you...

i miss seeing you upfront...

i miss spending time with you...

stupid as it may sound,

but i was thinking about you last night...

wondering why everything became cold between us...

the answer couldnt be more obvious...

ive known the answer for quite some time...

but something in me, cant accept that...

im in denial...

eventhough i tell myself that its just nothing all the time...

i still deny the facts that you are what you are

and that the future will never be...

its been a couple of months already...

and im still hung-up on you...

i feel stupid most of the time

when i write something about how i feel for you...

i fear the backlash of being honest...

i fear the backlash of being tagged as an "illusyonada"...

well... i have to be honest how i feel...

well... i have the right to dream right?

* sigh *

how i wish you'd really know how i feel for you...

---

i have a heavy heart whenever i see you...

i feel sad whenever i know you're just there...

because i know everything is just nothing...

especially now, when im about to lose my boyfriend to his career ambitions...

i guess in a few months time, im back to square one...

back to being alone again...