untitled...

i don't know where to begin...

usually i set myself up in front of the pc and typing my heart away...

but somehow, my head is scattered...

unfocused...

not to mention the plethora of emotions i find myself to be wallowing in now...

this is an attempt to unload of all those in words...

---

on love...

people perceive me in different ways when it comes to matters of the heart...

some would construed me a fool...

and some, a romantic...

whatever people say about me...

most of it are true...

I'm one of the most transparent people out there when it comes to this...

i have never been ashamed to wear my heart on my sleeve...

like a badge of honor, i wear it with head held high...

...

i have been head-over-heels 'into' this guy for nearly two years now...

he's no stranger to most of you...

i purposely bring him into your lives through me...

I'm like this with him because - i think he's the "one"...

he's that one guy for me...

stupid to say; bordering almost on obsession...

but he really is...

i would venture to say (as ive said before) that he's my soul-mate...

just recently, i heard a new take on this whole thing...

"if you two are meant to be together, then you two will eventually find your way to each other"...

it might not be now...

but who knows in the future...

right?

hopeful...

i always am...

...

and though I'm hopeful with the "one"...

i have to face the facts...

hard truths...

hard possibilities...

what if all the 'pagtitiis' and 'paghihintay' was for nothing...

then id be left with the short end of the stick...

i don't want to regret all the wasted opportunities...

and so, now i find myself opening up to the idea of 'playing' the field...

so to speak...

don't get me wrong, I'm far from being a player...

in the last month of 2008, i met two guys...

Mr. E - the scooter-driving guy whose book is now closed...

and Mr. D - the 21 yr. old cutie whose story is currently being written...

now with Mr. E; i have tried so much to look pass his complications...

and weighing everything... it just wouldn't work out...

it just wouldn't...

with Mr. D, it has been quite confusing...

his age tells me that he's not ready 'yet' for something serious...

but over the course of one month - a number of sleep-overs, late dinners and texts, tells otherwise...

the last being a sleep-over; it caught me off-guard knowing that he felt the same way i did...

happy, secure and wanted...

there is a but a little complication in this 'endeavor'...

time, frequency and consistency...

to be honest, it does take much effort to keep what we have
going...

not to mention the fact that i think a couple of his friends don't like me...

apparently, to them i have a reputation...

i never thought id be that known to warrant a reputation, whatever that may be...

but yet, i still find myself unsure about the whole thing...

it just dawned on me...

I'm now actually dating...

the real kind...

but i have yet to experience an ideally romantic date...

---

and on work...

well what can i say...

as far as working in 'this' industry for the past 3 years...

i have known nothing else but hate...

ive never been known to love the 'serious' side of the IT industry...

the OTs and interruption of my schedule...

its been getting on my nerves...

and its taking a toll on me...

lately ive been working out late...

and ive had breakouts from 'stress'...

the silver lining amongst everything is, lately i think I'm getting the hang of it...

strange, scary - really...

but i don't think I'm out of the woods yet...

i have an upcoming performance appraisal...

and for the first time, I'm scared shit...

a bit concerned about the outcome...

but ready to face whatever decision comes from them...

for that matter, i have to be ready...

if ever, this will be the turning point of my career...

to stay...

or be forcibly pushed away...

---

whew... getting all of those out really took a load off my shoulders...

been awhile since ive done that...

shoot, its almost february soon...

month full of memories...

its gonna be a year already since then...

* sigh *

here's to forgetting the past...

and moving forward to a better future...

* cheers *