its been awhile...

since weve exchanged pleasantries...

shared a few smiles...

ive been giving you the cold shoulder...

but lately, it seems that my cold facade is melting away...

you know you have your way of pulling me back in...

and thats what makes me furious...

im setting myself for heart ache again...

enough is enough...

i know that our exchanges will only lead to nothing...

and yet, you still do it...

i have to get back at being cold again...

no matter how much it hurts...

i just have to...

* sigh *

so ganito lang ba magtatapos ang lahat?

akala ko ba walang iwanan?

well, wala akong magagawa... lagi naman ganito eh...

dapat sanay na ako...

i guess i was never meant to share my love with anyone...

the love that i had with you...

is special...

or, was special...

guess i was the only one who thought that...

photo credits alone by ~hidden-target

another entry for loneliness...

i dont know what made me think about this today...

nothing wrong happened to make me feel the way im feeling right now...

but the past few times that weve spent together...

ive grown really tired of our situation...

ive grown tired of your careless attitude...

yeah i know, youve got your priorities on list...

but it doesnt mean, that you have to act the way you do to me...

promises have been broken so many times...

ive already lost count...

and always it boiled down to some reason that i dismiss as valid...

i actually dont know whats out there for me...

i have this fear that if i let you go, id go back at square one...

id go back to play the "game" again...

but i know for sure that when im back in the field, id end up losing...

i always do...

maybe thats one of the reason why im holding on to dear life for you...

i dont want to feel the way i felt before...

the rejections...

id had enough...

till i found you, and it all went away...

but with you came baggages...

i know no relationship is without any...

its just that, im beginning to feel the burden you put on me...

before id just let it be...

now, its entirely different...

im having a hard time...

im torn...

im scared...
...
...

im think what im trying to say is...

im slowly falling out of love...

So this is how it feels.

Finally, Ive somehow began to "taste" the fruit of my hardwork.

It seems weird actually.

I dont want to assume.

Anyway, it started in the office... it was a compliment I think.

People can hardly believe that I work in our IT Department.

Must be the way I dress...

the way I talk...

if that be the case, then I think Ive checked out another item in my "life-to-do-list".

Also, Ive noticed that strangers / people I come across... they look at me differently...

if you know what I mean.

I guess this is how it feels.

Although, I have been known to make assumptions that benefit my ego...

whatever it may be, Im enjoying it.

I just hope that my assumptions are right.

I dont mean to sound so "egotistic".

But please allow me to be shallow. Just this once (then again, Im always shallow).

Maybe Im not as bad-looking as I thought I am.

Maybe Ive been looking for "validation" in the wrong places.

Everything is changing.

For the good.

Now if only I can shake off a couple of things that Id love to leave in the past.

Then, everything would be ok.

left alone with the silence of the night...

sentimentality strikes again...

* i miss you *

to my beh...

thank you for spending your weekend with me...

i found the moments we had to be one of the best...

and for that..

i want to say (again) that I LOVE YOU SOOOOO MUCH...

but my hearts sentiments cannot go unnoticed...

and so...

for the past couple of days...

ive noticed that you have been texting me about "behaving" myself...

and i dont know why you're finding it so hard to trust me...

admitted, i know i made a mistake before...

but eventhough i fall from time to time...

i TRY so hard to be loyal to you...

i know our situation is difficult...

and i know that you know that...

and maybe that is the reason why you think im out to look for somene else...

to be honest, i want to...

there are times when i feel tired about our situation...

times when you usually blame me for things that i have no idea about...

but you know what... i cant put myself up to do that...

i just cannot picture myself with someone other than you...

baby... mahal kita, you know that...

but please, dont make give me a reason to fall out of love with you...

especially not now...

not when im this vulnerable...

---

and to "you"...

im getting over you...

im trying so hard...

although im having trouble because you make hating you sooo hard...

at times i feel bad by giving you the cold shoulder...

it just seems to be unfair...

you had no hand in why im feeling like this...

well no hand, directly...

but i take it all...

my fault for allowing myself to have "feelings" for you...

tanga na kung tanga...

thats why im doing what im doing now so that i can forget about you...

if ever you get to read this (or your girlfriend gets to read this), i want to say...

sorry for being so cold... its the only way i know how to get over you...

and it hurts me for being like that...

im trying so hard...

but i miss the guy...

although i know its a lost cause already...

i really miss him...

i havent done anything...

and i dont plan to...

i vowed that id stop chasing...

its just that what im feeling inside is so strong...

and with my boyfriend not being here... it sucks so much...

damn it... miss na kita...

i miss the thought of hoping for something...

but its all useless...

i have to forget that...

i have to forget you...

i need someone to help me forget?

anyone...

please...