...

thoughts in my head keep on abounding...

memories of past that haunt...

a future that is uncertain...

failures that keep on repeating...

discontented heart... discontented mind...

change is coming... change is welcome...

here i come...

ready to stand once more...

hoping this time i wont stumble...

* the story of my life *

too much..

i just got to say this...

theres too much going on in my head...

i keep on thinking what i need to prioritize...

i keep on thinking how to fix my mistakes...

---

im crying right now...

not because of the multitude of things that i have to deal with...

im crying about one thing...

and i know i have to stop...

but, theres so much inside me about this one thing that i cannot supress...

my tears...

my feelings...

---

its killing me...

slowly...

the thought of being alone...

the thought of playing the game over and over and over again...

its tiring and excruciating...

am i about to give up?

should i give up?

i already know the answers to these question...

but right now, my heart has taken over my brain...

and the logical side of me just wont listen...

...

theres just too much...

i need the weekend...

two more freakin' days...

just two more days...

hold on...

pls...

bestest best...

ok, so ive been working on this post for a long time...

it was s'posed to be posted june 29, the day after gay-pride/big-fish event and then-some..

just got around this weekend to finish it...

---

after getting a rough start to an expectedly awesome weekend...

i was all hand and foot to start my weekend...

---

friday evening...

wasnt really feeling well that night...

had a slight fever due to a 'virus' i caught in the office

my workout routine was a bust... totally whacked out...

i just did my 'petiks' workout... around 2 hours of lite-cardio on the bike...

at around 730pm, i was done with my workout... theres usually an hour more in my routine...

got fixed up... and by 815pm i was off to go home...

on the way home I decided to make a quick stop in Shopwise to get me some last minute shopping for saturdays Big-Fish thing...

yes, i know... what could one possibly get in Shopwise for the Big-Fish thing...

im a firm believer of the concept of 'look-for-less'...

contrary to popular belief... i dont spend that much on a single-item of clothing...

not to sound 'condescending' or anything... but i can make most stuff look good...

* yabang *

anyway in Shopwise, I was weighing between getting a Hanes love-sleeved white shirt and a 'Crispa' long-sleeved 3-buttoned chinos...

i ended up going with the 'Crispa' long-sleeved 3-buttoned chinos...

im soooo loving this brand... * sigh *

fast-forward to saturday...

met up with antonio after gym at around 330pm...

lounged around at my place...

initial plan was to stay-in til 6pm and get fixed up for the party then...

unfortunately the unscheduled power interuption changed the itinerary...

left my place at quarter to 6 and headed straight to s'bucks gbelt3...

antonio was feeling a bit lite-headed due to the meds he had to take for his allergies...

so a dose of strong caffeine was what he needed to jolt him back... =)

it was a good hour of alone-time with antonio when jason and greg arrived...

after getting the tickets we headed off to John and Yoko in GB5...

unfortunately the number of groups on the wait-list was enough to convince us to jump back to Kitchen in GB3...

---

it was nearing 930pm and the movie group was already in the cinema lobby waiting for us...

unfortunately i had to stay to wait for Danda, our contact for the Big-Fish tickets...

iam a patient person...

i can usually withstand hours and hours of waiting...

but it is with the consideration of that person i am wating for...

Danda was testing my limits...

as thankful as i want to be that he got us tickets...

it was a real test on my patience...

in the end, we decided to go ahead with the movie and just waited for him in the cinema...

---

watched Angeline Jolie / James McCavoy in Wanted...

i gots to say... it was amazing...

the movies plot and twist were extremely entertaining...

definetely a movie not for the masa type...

* wink *

warning sort of spoiler ahead

the twist was sooo reminescent of the original starwars twist of anakin skywalker being anakins father...

for the movie, that made me raise my eyebrow, pout my lips to the right with a matching long-silent... 'okaaaa...aaay'...

how unoriginal can you get...

then again, the subplot of the hero having the father as a villain (vice-versa) has been repeatedly used by writers and producers...

all in all, the movie gets two thumbs-up (and any other extra thumbs i can get to rate the movie...)

---

after the movie, sim, norman, jason, greg, antonio and myself bid adieu to the movie group...

we're off to the Big-Fish event...

antonio already excused himself from the event...

* bummer *

anyway we were all prepped up...

even after the commute, the dinner and the movie...

my white long-sleeved three-buttoned chinos was still white...

arriving in a-venue... there was a line of bevy people mostly in white (after-all that was what the event-organizers preferred)...

but one has to think if the 'straight' population of the party knew that it was also 'Gay Pride' night where the staple color of people-like-us (PLUs) was white...

* confused-much *

anyway after a good half an hour of being tossed from one lane to another, we finally got in...

inside, like a pack of wolves the cliques were really sticking together...

there were the people who were already 'high'...

there were the 'cool-laid-back-hip-crowd'...

there were the 'unmentionables' totally over-dressed for the occassion (ehrm... coat? seriously?)...

and there was us... the 'newbies'...

well me and greg, to be exact...

jason, sim and norman were staple at these events...

nonetheless, it felt good...

eventhough with prying eyes and being drowned in a majority of good-looking people...

i didnt feel the least uncomfortable...

i was to busy enjoying the sights (and sounds) of the event that i didnt have time to worry how 'uncommon' i was...

got through the whole night with just beat-hopping...

it felt as if i did a couple of hours of ab-workout...

which was good...

---

it was 4am when the brus decided to leave the party...

they had plans to go to go gov which quickly traversed to going to malate instead...

i opted to pass on the malate invite...

i love spending the whole night out but i needed to draw the line at 4am...

talk about killjoy...

ehrm, not really... my mid-section was killing me, not to mention my feet...

but that night was invigorating...

i have never felt so easy and free of worry...

how nice it would be if everyday felt like this...

so the brus dropped me off near my place, and i headed straight home...

got in... and crashed on to my bed...

with a smile on my face, aching mid-section... i dozed off...

---

now me wishes for a weekend repeat...

* smiles *

---

thanks brus...

thanks for the wonderful company...

til the next big-fish event..

til the next party...

cant wait...

changing tune...

bryan (ex) and i have been communicating lately...

its getting good between us...

we're in talking terms...

unlike when we broke up...

thing is...

i just need to remind myself of how i felt when we were together...

the situation, i guess, wasnt just right...

thing is, i have a weak heart...

and i tend to fall easily...

i just remind myself everyday that my chapter with him as my bf is closed...

im happy where i am now...

meeting new people... dating...

its something that i never expected that id be doing...

i guess all i needed was time...

patience...

im getting there...

and im leaving the past behind...

---

"But you put on quite a show. 
Really had me goin' 
But now it's time to go, 
Curtain's finally closin'. 
That was quite a show. 
Very entertainin'. 
But it's over now. 
Go on and take a bow."

- Rihanna, Take A Bow

the comfort....

events this week are enough for me to say that...

I am the better person (so to speak)...

when faced with owning up to whatever faults i have done...

i own up to it...

no questions asked...

even if it gets me to trouble...

ill admit it...

it just amazes me how some PEOPLE are soooooo transparent...

if youre going to lie, at least me make it believable...

though words arent really going to stop being thrown from one corner to another...

at least there is the comfort of knowing that i own up to my mistakes...

doing it the J. Rizal way

recalling my high-school days in the 'posh' hallways of CSA...

i remember reading (forced) J. Rizal's work...

from the Noli Me Tangere, to his El Filibusterismo...

from the countless biographical accounts of J. Rizals extraordinary life...

he has indirectly become a great influence of what I am today...

---

living life as an overweight-kid way back in elementary and highschool was tough...

not only were u left to deal with the pains of growing up...

but you also had to contend with the bullies around you...

and growing up...

i vowed never to be stepped on...

i was 'treated' as this overweight-kid who would never fight back...

or so they thought...

there was this time, i remember in grade... '93 to '94, there was this classmate of mine...

he was the all around rebel/joker/'siga'...

one time, in between classes... i was 'busy' preparing for the next class... and he was just clowning around with a couple of his barkadas...

and he started playing this tune on his guitar...

a couple of minutes followed, he placed this 'chant' on it...

i remember it clearly... i could still play it in my head...

i was soooooooooo mad then...

with brute force and sheer size... i snatched his guitar away from him and started whacking him with it...

* yes *

the guitar didnt survive the ordeal... he went away with a bruise and cut on his forehead...

and you know what...

i didnt get into trouble...

from then on, i was known to have a fit of rage whenever i get pissed off....

nowadays, i still do...

but in a more 'civilized' manner (so to speak)...

this is where one of J. Rizal's 'sayings' comes in...

"the pen is mightier than the sword"

apparently its true...

im having fun actually rattling cages...

sometimes i think that maybe the story about the four-horsemen of the apolalypse is true...

sometimes i think that i ride on this red horse and that i carry a sword...

a harbinger of war...

...

...

* thinks *