i feel stupid...

for the things that ive written here...

the things about Tall-J...

the things about him possibly liking me...

apparently i was wrong...

so i guess he was just being friendly...

sorry, i assumed...

its just that you seemed so real...

for once, i thought that someone likes me for me and not for any other reason...

* sigh *

"so ganito pala ang tunay na pakiramdam ng nasaktan ang puso..."

but i have to accept that...

being friends with him will just be enough...

i hope i can get past it...

image credits Question Everything by jamaisXvu @ deviantart

--

i didnt get a chance to talk to you yesterday...

though, our eyes caught each other and we exchanged smiles...

i felt it was a bit akward...

and ive made up my mind

that maybe everything that has been going on for the last two weeks

was nothing but just being friends...

although i wished it wasnt

it looked that way to me...

just friends...

but why do you do the things you do?

things that say otherwise...

makes me think really...

the hard part about this whole thing is that...

i am committed...

and i love the person that i am with...

maybe i am just assuming...

its my flaw...

so what is it? tell me?

* confused *

---

by the way... while i was looking for an image to attach to this post, i came across this deviantart post...

its soo a walk to remember... but im a sucker for "real" love...

just want to share it all with you...

First Love - artoxicated by dapride @ deviantart

got tagged by lordartworks...

State Three (3) Reasons Why It Feels Great To Be Pinoy...

first of all I got to say this... it might sound bad to some, but this is who I am...
Im not a big fan of being pinoy... but there are aspects of being a pinoy that makes me feel great...

3. Pinoys are unbelievably talented. For a small country, there is a huge number of pinoys who are gifted in more ways than one. And slowly, you can see Pinoy talent conquering the world.

2. Pinoys have the warmest smile. I guess its true, the Filipino spirit is really resilient... nothing can ever break us down... the world gives us problems, and we answer back with a smile.

1. Pinoys are the mix of whats best in the world. I feel that our culture is a combination of different cultures (which is technically true). We have that certain distinction and it makes us unique in alot of ways.

=)

Anyway... got to get back to work...

Uhm... lemme get back to who Im gonna tag...

Eventful.

The word I would use to describe my weekend... well not really the whole weekend... just my Saturday.

It started very very early. I woke up at around 530 AM.

Couldnt really sleep. Had a lot on my mind.

Was thinking about my boyfriend and how long (relatively) we've been together.

But also, I was thinking about... someone else.

---

Anyway, Bryan arrived at around 1030 AM. Once we got into my room, he gave me a tight hug (seems like he's been giving me alot of these lately) and a kiss.

We spent the whole day... well ehrm... cuddling... =)

His being "extra" cuddly that day was a good thing. At least, now... he's exerting effort on that part of our relationship.

But I could not get the thought of his being "extra" cuddly that day was because it was our 10th monthsary together.

I mean, there were a lot of oppurtunities wherein he could be that cuddly before... why now?

I feel as if, the whole act was out of obligation, was un-natural, it seemed "cold". Its either that or he was just really in the mood.

But yeah, it felt good.

To be that close to him, its something that I always yearn for.

The time that we had that day, made me smile...

but it also left me with some questions unanswered...

which makes me doubt about us...

which makes me "look" somewhere else.

Dont get me wrong. I wouldnt really classify myself as a "cheater" (although some I know would disagree).

But... would I stray away, would I doubt... if I was contented with what we have?

I know its not an excuse... but try to put yourselves in my shoe... wouldnt you do the same?

It pains me to have doubts about our relationship... because I really love Bryan...

* sigh *

Bryan left at around 330 PM. Was really bummed to see him leave because I wanted to introduce him to my friends (yes, we're 10 months in the relationship and he still hasnt met any of my friends) over dinner. But as usual, he needed to go home because his mom was looking for him already (at 28... yeah he still answers to his mom).

Moving on.

So all alone in my room again... fixing the mess that we made... recalling the time I had with Bryan.

I then decided to call Pam, who was suppose to have a PT session with Pio.

So I called.

As far as I can remember, our converstion went like this...

Me : Hey pam. You at the gym?

Pam : Yeah, Im with Faith right now. We just finished one class. Were going to do another one. Just taking a breather for awhile.

Me : - narrates my day with Bryan - Ehrm... is he there?

Pam : Yeah. He was looking for you awhile ago. Uhm, Faith wants to talk to you.

Faith : Hey... you're not going gyming?

Me : Nope. Im kinda tired, boyfriend spent the morning here... hehehehe...

Faith : ooohhhh what did you do?

Me : Ehrm... just stuff... hahaha

Faith : Sige Im giving the phone to Pam.

So I chatted with Pam a bit. In the middle of our conversation, I noticed Pam became pre-occupied, but she was still listening... then she said "wait a minute...", then I heard a male voice...

Tall-J : Hello...

Me : (with hesitation) Hello... ehrm... Tall-J?

Tall-J : Yeah... ehrm... miss na kita... youre not going gyming?

Me : (shocked, bewildered, totally caught off gaurd) Ehrm... nope, kinda tired... ehrm... What did you say before that? Are you just saying what theyre telling you to say?

Tall-J : Uhm... no...

He then proceeds to give the phone back to Pam.

Me : (in a semi-high pitched voice) Pam... did he just say what I thought he just said?

Pam : Yeah... i was drinking water when he said that... couldnt help it... i laughed and went out of the room...

Me : Oh my god... was he joking? Are you guys coercing him to say that?

Pam : Noooo...

Me : (already blushing... feeling giddy) oh my god (repated a number of times)...

Pam : * bursting into laugher *

Me : Pam... "ganito" Ill be going there later... Im going to fetch you there and we'll go together to Glorietta after... my god.. I feel the "need" to see him... waaaaahhh... hahahaha

Pam : hahaha... ok ok... got that..

Our conversation was a bit loud... good thing that I was the only one in the room...

After dropping the phone. I still cant believe that he said that. His voice was still ringing in my head... replaying what he said over and over.

I'm not suppose to feel this way about Tall-J... but I'am...

Couldnt help the fact that I like this guy.

But then again... Im committed.

* pota *

Makes me really think if he's straight or if he's just joking around (to which I can be totally cool with; will be disappointed though...)

I cant make that assumption... but apparently I am...

I have this assumption that this guy probably likes me...

Hopefully in a romantic-crush kinda sense (I mean come on, who am I kidding)...

My gaydar is not really that developed... I mean, physical signs are a total give away... but with Tall-J... you cant see any physical manifestations...

So (anyone) what do you think about Tall-J?

Do you think he likes me? Or is he just joking around / "nakiksakay"?

By the way, here is our converstation when we first met.

---

Arrrggghhh... guys (my boyfriend, included) are driving me nuts...

---

Hmmm... this entry is getting a bit long... might have to do it in two parts (yes... this is how eventful Saturday was)...

Anyway... just to give you a heads up...

Around 545 PM I dropped by the gym to fetch Pam... and I had a very nice encounter with Tall-J... to which Ill go into details on the next entry...

Also, that evening, me and four of my friends went out for dinner... had a lot to talk about... to which Ill go into details on the next entry too...

Gotta go sleep already... its already 1150 PM and its a work-day tom.

* sighs and does a Garfield *

I really hate Mondays...

530AM. Saturday.

Woke up early. Couldnt sleep anymore.

There is just too many things that are planned for today.

First, its our 1oth month together. Bryan called me up, saying that he'll be the one going to my place instead of me going to the hospital.

Second, me, Eya, Pam, Rica, Ge and Carlo are meeting up for dinner later.

Third, Im still toying with the idea of going to the gym. I have this yearning to see and talk with Tall-J.

---

Will right about those stuff later... For now, something Im gonna do something different...

I turned on the tv early today. Channel surfed for awhile till I saw that "The House of Carters" was on.

Quick run-through, "The House of Carters" is a reality-based show featuring Nick Carter, Aaron Carter and their three sisters. They are to live together in one house after years of living away from each other.

Anyway...

The episode today was all about them meeting up with their dad. Who apparently is separated from their mom and has a younger wife (22 years younger than him to be exact).

This type of show isnt your typical, Seventh Heaven-moral lesson filled-at the end of the story kinda show... but there was one thing that really affected me...

They invited their dad to have lunch with them... their dad arrives and everyones quite thrilled...

The scene where Dad Carter entered Aarons room. Aaron, for his age, was being cuddly to his dad... like a puppy.

Which got me thinking... I wish I was like that with my Mom and Dad.

Thing is, in our family, we're not really expressive.

We dont say I love you's.

We dont hug each other.

We dont greet each other.

I feel that I cant even shed a tear for them.

We're not typical, then again which family is.

There is no standard for a normal family... even the normal of the normal families are considered to be too "Stepford-y".

But yeah, I do yearn for that kind of family.

Expressive.

Involved.

Understanding.

Forgiving.

These are some of the things that I wish for.

Cant change that now. Apparenly you cant teach an old dog (or for this matter - dogs) new tricks.

Explains alot about my attitude... my personality.

* sigh *

Sorry for being extra emo...

---

Still waiting for my boyfriend... was supposed to be here an hour ago...

Late as usual...