I feel alone.

I dont really know why.

But I do.

Despite the people around me.

Despite the people that love me.

Despite the people that care for me.

Why is it that I feel alone?

Why is there an emptiness inside of me?








photo credits alone by buaiansayapanomali @ deviantart

Pinoy Gay Blogs...

Was suppose to do a blog post about this site a couple of weeks ago. Was too ashamed of my blog... so I started tweaking it and dedicated myself to frequently update it.

And so far, blogging has become a regular thing with me. So I hope to continue writing here. =)

Anyway Pinoy Gay Blogs is an opener. It made me realize that Im not alone in the metro (though I know it naman). Its a place where you can find other bloggers/journal writers who share the same sentiments, share the same stories, share the same experiences in our bi/gay world.

Im glad to say that I want to be a part of that group. A group where at least I can share my world free from prejudice and superficiality.

So for all other gay/bi bloggers/journal writers... link us up... join the community @ http://pinoygayblogs.com/ .

What a differene a week makes. Last week, it all seemed that we're ok. And this weekend is entirely different,

---

My past has come back to bite me in the ass.

Yesterday, Bryan came over.

We didnt have the usual niceties... what we had instead was an akward silence.

With our food in place, we headed up to my room.

We sat down on my bed... I was waiting for him to talk.

Then... he said, "Lika... kain na muna tayo.". I wasnt in the mood to eat.

I stared at him while he was eating... waiting...

I was actually scared...

After 5 excruciating minutes of waiting... he started talking...

"Gerald... Im disappointed with you... ang liit ng mundo noh?... Mahal na mahal kita, kaya nasasaktan ako dahil sa nalaman ko. Parepareho lang pala kayong lahat."

I asked... he explained...

I could see from the way he was narrating that he was hurt, angry and very disappointed...

"Ano ba ang gusto mo na setup? Sige payagan kita na makipagchat, maghanap ng temporary fix mo... but dont expect that from me."

I couldnt find any words to protect me to help me out of the hole that Ive dug.

I was guilty... point blank.

You see... in the first few months of our relationship... I wasnt sure about us...

We were intimate once, (intimate pertaining to more than kissing)... before we became a couple.

After we became a couple... everything changed.

Yes we would still be kissing. We would be hugging. We would be holding hands.

But we never shared the bed the same way (that only time) we did before.

I was distraught because he blatantly said that "Its something that he's not really that comfortable of doing.".

And everytime I would bring that up, we would always end up arguing.

Lessons learned - Dont push for that. - I understood. So I stopped talking about it with him.

On the surface, it looked like we were ok. But inside I was screaming... asking why...

He says... he loves me... but with that specific "need", I questioned his sincerity.

During that time, I couldnt confide with him... I couldnt confide with anyone...

So I turned to chatting.

Met some guys and had a few "one-nighters".

Yeah, Im a slut. I get that.

But those times, I felt that I was wanted... not loved exactly... but wanted.

It was a temporary fix.

I know our situation is not an excuse.

But I still did it anyway.

Its hard when you dont get intimacy with the person that you love. And living with it for the past 9 months. It really sucks. Masakit. I feel as if he neglects that part of our relationship.

And frankly... masakit. Sobra.

Anyway...

I was crying yesterday. I was scared of what the day was about to bring.

I was saying sorry. I was begging for forgiveness.

He wasnt speaking.

He was laying on his side and watching tv now... He said... "Ok na."

Thats all...

I was bewildered by that situation.

I went beside him. Hugged hiim. But I was still crying.

I was crying because... "I was happy that he forgave me and at the same time I was disappointed at myself for hurting him.".

I didnt mean to hurt him naman.

It made me sad to know that he thought that I would be the person that he would be giving "IT" to. Giving in to what I want because he loves me.

I dont know where the situation brings us on that aspect now. I feel that whatever progress we had just went down the drain.

So we spent an hour hugging... he fell asleep.

I found myself asking... "Do I really deserve him?" and yet at the same time I also thought "Why cant you?"

He's not the villain of the story. After what I did.

But yeah... "may pagkukulang sya".

Its not the only thing I want from him. Its just a part of it. Its just part of being in a "RELATIONSHIP".

And Im still a GUY to look for it. =(

When he woke up, its as if he was a different person. He wasnt angry anymore. But I bet he was still disappointed.

I didn want to let go of him, but i knew I couldnt make him stay. I never could.

We left each other feeling a bit ok. Trying to turn things back to normal.

I promised him that I would never ever do it again. I committed myself to him again, only exclusive to each other.

But Im finding it so hard na magtiis.

Again...

not to be able to passionately kiss you...

not to be able to sleep beside you...

not to be able to be intimate with you...

Masakit.

But I have to hold all of those in.

Because I love him so much and the thought of losing him scares me.

Sounds martyr-ish? Yeah... it does.

But thats how I really feel.

Long... the hours this week seem to last forever.

After the looong wait... at last, its Friday... well an hour more and its gonna be Saturday already. =)

Anyway, work was in its usual place. Long, repetitive and boring.

Last Wednesday afternoon, my boss asked me (and another team-mate) to meet up in his cubicle for my assesment. Its been only 4 months since Ive started... looks like Im doing a good job.

During our meeting, I was asked about my impressions on the workplace, team-mates, co-employees and all that...

as usual, I was my honest self...

told him that its been "strangely pleasant"... the people are good (well some), the workplace its really quiet, quite stiff though...

but im not one who enjoys working in a "corporate" setup... frankly... im not really a big fan... but the past four months have been "strangely pleasant"...

im enjoying work...

im enjoying the company of my team-mates...

im enjoying the concept of "life-work-balance" that the company promotes...

for once, corporate life seems ok...

Then... he drops the bomb...

If in any instance that I (we) get regularized... there will be some expectations, of course I understand that...

heavier work loads...

heavier time schedules...

heavier deadlines...

I get that... but those are the thing that Im really avoiding... and Im not really looking forward to those...

I know that when regularization comes... MY schedules will be affected... GYM will be affected...

which I dont really like...

Im happy where Im at now... do we need to change that?

----

Money comes in... mones goes out... its that fast.

Got my salary today... headed for GlobeLines Center to pay for my GlobeLines and Globe HandyPhone bill at lunch.

That really took a good bite on my salary =(. Now I know how it feels.

Weirdly enough, I felt like a grown-up paying for my utility bills. Well I am 24, technically I should have been a grown-up 4 years ago, but I try to "deny" the fact that I am a grown up.

Me thinks I have the Peter Pan complex. Probably...

After running my errand, I went around to look for Resistance Training Gloves and a gym bag. Was planning to buy Nike gloves, but theyre quite expensive... so I opted to take an alternate route and got a pair of (generic) Resistance Training Gloves. Found these at Landmark... cheap enough, but looks sturdy though...


Next on my list was a gym bag. I found one in Dickies but they had none that fit my liking. The gym bag that I looked at was just big. I looked around again and I found this red/black-combo Accel gym bag, looks nice and the size of the bag was what I was exactly looking for.. plus the price doesnt really hurt the wallet either.


After my limited shopping spree, my hands were itching to spend... I dont know what go into me... but I want another phone.

In my mind, Ive already shortlisted the phones that I would love to get my hands on. (L-R Sony Ericsson P1, Sony Ericsson w880i, Moto Rizr Z8 and Moto Rokr E6)

Moving away from mobile phones... isnt this just cute?


The 1 Gig Zen Stone, priced at $ 40.00, roughly P 2000.00.Ipod Shuffle (2nd Gen) killer? Competitor most likely... Wouldnt hesitate to get me one of these though.

---

Went gyming after work (as usual).

Was quite fun, there were few gym-ers.

Saw my gym-crushie... quite bummed out that I didnt see my other gym-crushie... =(

After gym, I ran into Faith... got carried away with our conversation that I ended up riding in a cab with her to her place. Was really fun catching up with her. I never really expected that someone like her would actually want to be my friend. =)

Dont worrry Faith, everything will work out. Boys are just boys, you can get anyone you want... * sigh * wish I could say the same for me...

Ehrm...

I have a bf pala...

---

Speaking of which, Bryan has been acting weird for the past few days...

Weird texts.. weird topics... I dont know whats gotten into my baby...

Im actually scared... I dont know what to think... (will put this into another entry when we've straighten things out)

Im just glad that well be seeing each other tom... he'll be spending the whole day at home again...

I really hope that Mom and Dad goes to Antipolo early...

Me and my baby need some quality time together...

---

Anyway, have to turn end this post... its getting quite lengthy already... and I need to catch up on my reading. =)

Its been a long time coming...



And I think I can finally say that I feel the same way...

----

Each Other
Katherine McPhee

Oh-wow
Yeah, yeah

No more lonely nights to hurt me
No more tears left to spare
No more reasons to be unhappy
You threw them all up in there air

And I don't know how you did it
But you made me a believer
I never thought that love could turn someone into a dreamer
For the first time in my life I don't feel like a need a breather
'Cause everywhere I'm gonna go I wanna know you're gonna be there



I'd give it all up for you (I'd give it all up for you)
Do anything you asked me to (Anything you asked me to)
You're like a pillow I can hold on to
Cause we got each other
We got each other

Now that this has gone away
You left me here without a trace
And now I'm in a brand new place
'Cause we got each other
We got each other, yeah

And some times in the past almost pulled us under
But we got through all that and it made us stronger
Through the good, through the bad
There just ain't another
You're the best thing I have and we got each other

When the harder times confront me
You always show me that you care, yeah
And I believe you are my rescue
When I see you right there
(So when I see you right there)

And I don't know how you did it but you made me a believer (Beliver)
I never thought that love could turn someone into a dreamer (Dreamer)
For the first time in my life I don't feel like a need a breather
'Cause everywhere I'm gonna go I wanna know you're gonna be there

I'd give it all up for you
Do anything you asked me to (Anything you asked me to)
Anything you asked me to
You're like a pillow we can hold on to
'Cause we got each other
Baby we got each other

Now that this has gone away (Now this has gone away)
You left me here without a trace (You left me here without a trace)
And now I'm in a brand new place
'Cause we got each other
We got each other

You are the hand that I reach for
When I don't want to be alone
You are the voice I hear at night
Lets me know I'll be alright

When I need a real good friend
Don't have to look far
You're the best
I'm safe here in your arms
And I know this is where I belong

'Cause I'd give it all up for you
Do anything you asked me to (Anything you asked me to)
You're like a pillow I can hold on to (Hey)
'Cause we got each other
Baby we got each other

Now that this has gone away (It's gone away)
You left me here without a trace (Trace)
And now I'm in a brand new place (I'm in a brand new place)
'Cause we got each other
Baby we got each other

No matter what happens we got each other
Had some times in the past but we got each other
Through the good through the bad we still got each other
Really happy or sad but we got each other

I'd give it all up for you (Oh-oh)
Do anything you asked me to (Oh-oh)
You're like a pillow I can hold on to (Oh-oh)
'Cause we got each other
We got each other (Yeah, yeah)

Now that this has gone away
You left me here without a trace (Hey)
And now I'm in a brand new place
'Cause we got each other
Baby we got each other

And some times in the past almost pulled us under (Oh-oh)
But we got through all that and it made us stronger (Oh-oh)
Through the good, through the bad (Oh-oh)
There just aint another
You're the best thing I have and we got each other...