sigh

its just one of those days...

where i feel so alone...

where i feel worthless...

where i feel hopeless...

---

its been awhile...

and i miss talking about the thing that weighs down my heart...

i miss what was once the thing that made me happy...

it still does...

but now it also makes me sad...

what used to be hopeful..

is now hopeless...

---

i expected this...

luck doesnt flow through me like water on a river...

i knew it was all too good to be true...

photographer wanted...

heres the thing...

i had fun with the whole commercial shoot thingie...

and it got me thinking...

it doesnt hurt to try right?

then again...

rejection isnt really my cup of tea...

hmmm...

i think i wanna do this again...

i wanna have some set-cards made...

i wanna build a portfolio...

go to casting-calls...

hmmm..

what do you think?

do i have a chance in 'THE' industry?

---

confidence is the key...

but i know where i stand * thinks *

---

seriously, anyone care to give me a free photoshoot so i can build a portfolio...

* hints * hints *

correction....

so'ok... just found out about something for toms' shoot...

there are 16 of us...

and I think only 1 will be chosen...

* scared *

* hopeful *

damn it... the pressure is on...

* sigh *

wish me luck...

happenings - part 3

yesterday...

went out with the bru's...

the usual pack...

me, jason, mark and james... plus sim and norman...

in addition to that, we had jr, joseph and pat...

had dinner at Kitchen... just ate pasta... whcih was amazingly delicious...

i loves me some shitake mushroom...

afterwards, we went to see Indiana Jones : The Kingdom of the Crystal Skulls...

so'ok...

I honestlly didnt have any expectations about the movie...

although, word has been going around that the movie doesnt deliver...

thing is Im a lucas-fanboy... no matter how bad the review is... Ill watch it...

and even after the movie... I still am a fanboy...

I loved the movie.. * history/conspiracy buff here *

though, one thing bothers me...

the last part of the movie...

where the crystal skull was returned...

where the saucer destroys the hidden valley...

that was far-fetched... lucas, speilberg and the writers went haywire on that one...

tsk tsk tsk...

like when lucas went haywire with jar-jar binks in episode 1...

but all in all... the movie was awesome...

first instinct after the movie was... ehrm... hmmm...

well second instinct was - I wish I was online so I could 'read-on' more about the crystal skulls, nazca lines, el-dorado...

* screams geek *

---

after the movie, bru's decided to head on to malate to go to Bed...

ok... I must admit, at first I was hesitant...

because Im just not into the whole bar scene... well not yet...

as I was about to learn from that night.. I proved myself wrong...

so of we went to Sim and Normans place... they changed clothes and off we went to Malate...

around 1:30am... we got there...

one could see the multitude of guys there...

there were alot of cuties, hotties and the rest...

after 20-30 mins after arriving... we got in Bed (thanks to Marks friend)...

got in... reviewed the crowd...

went up a couple of minutes after and freshened up...

it was really really interesting...

I couldnt stop my eyes from wandering from one side of the room to another...

there was just a plethora of guys...

and I dont know if it was just me...

but I caught a couple of guys looking...

hmm... me thinks why theyre looking...

Id like to think that they were looking at me for all the right reasons...

and not just because I was dressed weird, I had two relatively small pimple on my forehead, or because I just didnt look good enough for the place...

fast forward...

some beat-hopping... some walking...

went down near the stage... found our spot and continued to beat-hop a bit more...

while going through the crowd, someone happened to find me amongst the crowd...

it was Joel (blogger)... hey joel!...

anyway while beat-hopping something weird happened...

now I know it might be common to some of you guys who go to Bed... but this thing doesnt reguarly happen to me...

while beat-hopping... i suddenly felt two set of arms wrap around my waist...

at first I didnt turn around... I was thinking that they might have probably mistaken me for their kasama...

until... this girl, arianne introduced herself... pleasantries were exchanged... the usual, whats your name and stuff...

she then proceeded to introduce the guy (to which I happen to forget his name)... same thing same thing... whats your name, what school do you go to, who you with... blah blah blah...

as all of this was happening... i couldnt believe it...

i really couldnt...

i dont know what to think... was this guy hitting on me... i really dont know...

but that really brought me up...

ego-wise...

makes me think that I do have something to offer...

I am 'marketable' and 'single'...

damn...

* kapal *

no seriously...

so around 4am... we all decided to head-out...

the whole thing was amazing...

now I know what Ive been missing out on...

so I guess from this day on...

whenever the bru's are going out...

Im definitely coming along...

* heres to more gimiks with you guys *

* plus the company was awesome *

* cheers to all *

happenings - part 2

last Friday evening, as with every Friday evening...

me and some gym friends went out for dinner...

its fun hanging out with those guys eventhough im not yet that close with most of them...

its becoming a habit already...

and it feels nice to be one of them...

god that sounded soooo highschool...

anyway while eating dinner...

i got a text from my ex...

heres what transpired in our exchange of messages (well after some deletions)...

ex : hi gerald. kamusta ka na?

me : hey! kamusta ka rin? ito im doing ok naman kahit papano... kakatapos ko lang mag-workout... dinner ako kasama mga gym friends ko...

ex : ah ganon ba... ito work pa rin. pero lipat na ako sa ibang company by june 15... uwian na ako sa pampangga ngaun... pero pag naka-settle in na ulit... hahanap na lang ako ng place na malapit sa papasukan ko... kamusta na kau bago mo bf?

me : thats good news bryan... at least tuloy tuloy na naman ang work mo... ha? ano ka ba? hanggang ngayon pa 'yon pa rin isip mo... well just so you know, wala po akong bf...

ex : ganon ba... sige ge, text text n lang... matutulog na kasi ako... Nga pala miss na kita.

me : ok. good night bryan.

after texting with him...

I couldnt help but think about how he really is...

and I thought if I still loved him...

I think my heart would tell you that it still has feelings for him (even after what happened between us)...

but my head is me telling differently...

when I told Mark about my ex texting me...

he made 'biro' about me getting back with my ex...

I thought, yeah... possible... but no more...

I dont want to go thru the difficulty our relationship had before...

enough...

Ive started to move on...

and actually, I think Im moving on to where I moved on after Bryan...

* scratches head *

but its funny to think that now it seems how less I think about getting back with my ex...

* thinks of meeting new guys, better than my ex *

* heres to dating *

continued on next post...