so its finally 2009...

i cant wait what it'll bring...

i say come on...

whatever it is...

---

first order of business -

workout all those excess pounds gained during the holidays...

not an impossible feat for me...

since i haven't missed a workout day since the holiday started...

well that's dedication for you...

* ehem * ehem *

and im damn proud of it...

so ready to take on the challenge?

i knew it was all too good to be true...

i think i was played for...

plain and simple...

either that or its just that im the perennial just-a-friend...

things just dont work out for me...

i never get a break...

geez...

come on...

cut me some slack will you...

---

i know its just been a week since we started hanging out...

and it has been too fast...

stupid me...

here i go again...

i started to fall...

* tanga * tanga *

i shouldnt have believed in the idea that this 'straight-cute-guy' would actually like me...

frack...

second night we were s'pose to go out...

and he stood me up... again...

great...

now i find myself drawn to the sound of scoots and motors passing by our house...

hoping its Mr. E...

frack it...

im such a gullible ass...

what a great way to start my 2009...

---

i still fucking deserve better...

ive tread on this path before...

it is all too familiar...

i said i never wanted to go through this again...

and yet here i am...

in a very similar situation...

but the feeling is all too good...

and that feeling is once again returned...

how sincere and real, i dont know...

im scared to take my hands of the rope...

i dont want to 'fall' only to experience the same thing again...

thats the bad thing about me...

im gullible for the kindest people...

those that 'appear' to be interested...

but it really really feels good...

and i missed the feeling...

there should be no question on what im supposed to do...

i know i should...

but im struggling...

if only...

that one was real...

what id hope for was real...

i wish that one person would save me...

because i know...

and i believe that...

the 'one' is sincere...

and all these doubts that im feeling...

they would never be revisited...

to take the dive? or go on to the next?

i honestly know the answer...

i just need someone to knock me back to sanity...

last night was a roller coaster of emotions...

i had one of the best nights ever...

i think i got a bit tipsy...

plus...

the guy from my previous post...

Mr. E...

well he made the night for me...

thing is...

he comes along with a lot of baggage...

dunno really what to make of it...

and its driving me nuts...

guess im just overanalyzing it...

and yeah, i still believe he's straight...

* frack *...

* bangs head on wall *...

so i got stood up...

by a straight guy...

a cute one at that...

guess it was all tooooooo good to be true...

now im stuck with a friggin' helmet...

great...

ok...

so i met this guy...

i would describe him as cute...

he's 5'5,24,has mixed blood (although just 1/16th of it),fair skinned,average to fit body...

lets call him Mr. E

anyway...

its been two nights already... 23rd and 25th, respectively...

the first one, at around 12 midnight...

i met Mr. E at shopwise makati and we hanged out a local bbq place near the area...

then we went for a joyride on his scoot around the village...

Mr. E took me back to my place and hanged a bit more in our garage...

we talked and talked...

from famiy matters to invites to go on a farther joy-ride than makati...
like makati far... =)

finished around 2 am...

the second, we met at around 1130 pm...

we just hanged out in my garage...

Mr. E went here amidst the rain...

and gave me a helmet...

so that he can take me on his scoot when we go out...

talked some more...

we ended at around 1 am...

---

now it would have been seemingly perfect if not for the following reasons...

1) he's straight
2) has 3 kid
3) and an ex-wife...

i would have been totally fine with the following...

after all there are lots of cases of guys doing a complete 180-degrees turn...

but the last ones seem to bother me more...

4) he works as a sales staff for a store in Glorietta and MOA

---

hes a very good kid, him being cute is just icing on the cake...

but with the cons heavily rotating in my head...

i honestly dont know what to make of it...

---

so considering my predicament...

what would you do?

i dont know how to say the following in a way that i wouldnt offend anyone...

its just that im bothered...

i dont know...

handling relationships, especially on the level of friendship isnt that hard to do...

all you need is trust...

and belief that your friends have the best of intention for you...

i dont get it why people have to be so negative about every little thing that someone does...

i dont get it why they let themselves be affected by the slightest of things...

its weird...

i never really 'over-analyze' - well not at this level - friendship i mean...

hmmm...

please do consider that im struggling with outing this topic...

i dont have any intentions of hurting someone...

its just that ive been keeping this inside for some time now...

and i just need to let it out...

sorry for this dreary post on such a wonderful holiday...

but hey...

despite the holiday cheer...

there is this one thing that irks me...

i cant fathom how there are people who freely accept work on a holiday...

i cant fathom how it is when i hear people say 'its in our line of work..."...

fucking retards...

sorry...

I'm just not into the whole working on a holiday thing...

people should learn to work around this month...

no deadlines, no pressures...

its no wonder that they look they way they are...

and also I'm aghast by the fact that some people will go on to continue the vicious cycle...

just because they experienced it in their early years as a developer...

doesn't mean that we have to endure it too...

everyone celebrates christmas...

i cant swallow the fact that people will fore go the holidays in turn for a day in the office...

that's just fucking retarded...

* sigh *

as i write this, I'm in my putting on a fake smile...

the thing that separates me from these fucktards...

is that i don't make work my life...

take my holiday weekdays away you bitches...

but don't dare beg me to go on a weekend...

as the days to christmas gets shorter...

as the cool breeze of the morning air fills the morning...

as the warm rays of the sun takes long to shine on us...

it just gets harder and harder...

...

...

to wake up...

to get up and know that its another day back to normalcy...

...

...

this is me... wishing that the weekend was 3 days long...

...

well me and the rest of the working population...

so'ok, ive been on writing slump for the past month...

this month aint no different, i guess...

---

lately ive been going out like crazy...

well not like paris-hilton crazy...

but its more often than i used to...

its more of an every saturday thing...

my feet seems to be 'itching' (among other things) to go out...

---

ive been clubbing for the sole purpose of 'meeting' someone...

in the past months that ive gone out...

ive found that that was next to impossible...

makes me question all the hard-work that ive put through at the gym...

hmm...

is it because i dont smile as much?

that or its just that im not 'attractive'?

its weird, how i look forward to clubbing to escape reality...

and yet i dread about going home empty handed...

i know...

i seem to go on forever about this 'situation'...

and the last thing i want my friends to think is how stubborn i am...

but come on...

please please 'indulge' me...

its my reality...

no matter how much friends believe in you...

its how strangers look at me and...

how unlucky a im in the dating department that affects me the most...

i cant be thick-skinned...

not anymore...

not in this aspect...

---

sigh...

on a more happy note...

well...

hmm, i honestly cant think of one...

well the most that i can make out of this season are the parties...

its that one thing that im honestly and purely looking forward too...

having a great time with close friends...

theres none much to say in this part...

* bore * boo * bore *

---

sigh...

just to say...

loved the night...

dont know why really...

but this felt different...

nothing really changed though...

but it felt different...

it felt good...

weird...

"There's only two types of people in the world
The ones that entertain, and the ones that observe
Well baby, I'm a put-on-a-show kinda girl (guy)
Don't like the backseat
Gotta be first"

- Britney, Circus

love it...

its sooo bitchy (in a good way)...

and yeah, i belong to the latter... =)

ive been debating for soo long about changing my hairstyle...

i dont know if ill be able to rock "semi-kal" look...

nor would i be able to carry a platinum blonde hair...

i want change...

any suggestions?

im really really leaning on getting a platinum blonde hair...

or at least a shade of blonde...

hahaha...

now this is what i call "lakas-tama"