ode to ugly

an ode to one of the ugliest fridays of my life, literally * hints * and figuratively * hints *...

i will try to take the high-road (although i already am)...
i will try to be the bigger person (physically, yes - then again * thinks *)...

but...

cross me once, shame on you...
cross me twice, shame on me...

cross me thrice, - well lets just say there wont be a fourth time...

and yeah... just so we're clear, I AM A BITCH... get used to it...

and be original... dont try and imitate me, you just come off across as a trying-hard ass...

well, come to think of it, it actually flatters me...

think. then again...

thinking isnt really your forte...

officially out...

yes folks...

mark this day...

june 18 2008...

the day that i outed myself to my parents...

...

...

long story...

...

...

it feels akward...

but i feel so light...

* hay *

things are only looking up from here on...

* hopes *

riddle me this...

is it even possible?

for someone whose opinion one didnt really care about, affect one so much?

i didnt even think, with the level of 'maturity' involved... one would be affected...

then again... the level of 'maturity' should be questioned... * hint *

ehrm... im not really mature, just so we're clear... at least i know where i stand...

---

taking the high-road... ill let it be...

then again im not one who usually stays in the high-road... come on, ill play your game...

(heres a dictionary you might need it...)

so when push comes to shove...

painful words may be said, voices may raise and tempers may flare...

whatever happens, win or lose...

i have people who are real to me...

i have people who respect me...

earned it... never asked for it...

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respect...

ask around...

"did i earn it? or did i demand it?"

'nuff said...

...

im just a big ball of frustration right now...

* arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggghhhhhhhh *

feel the frustration...

feel it...

wtf did i just do...

what the fuck did i just do?

omg...

im scared...

so you know...

catching each other...
stealing glances...
silent words exchanged...

passing each other...
waiting for comfort...
coldness is given...

wondering about each other...
thinking what really is...
silently waiting...

---

have we come to this?

are we just going to talk with our glances?

and are we just talking out of necessity?

random thoughts...

this weekend was the total opposite of what my last weekend was...

despite spending time with friends i found myself feeling alone...

---

sunday; woke up at around 830am...

i couldnt believe that the weekend was nearing to be over...

strangely enough for me, weekends are Friday evenings and the whole of Saturday...

Sunday has just become an in-passing day...

an unbearable bridge between the fantasy that is the weekend and the reality of the in-coming weekday...

waking up... i had this sudden feeling of loneliness (more than the usual)...

though i know that im not the only one feeling this...

being where i was, it just felt that everyone in the world has someone...

family, friends... lovers...

imagine, waking up to the rays of the warm sun on your face...

it puts a smile on an expressionless face...

and realizing youre alone...

it wipes the smile out of your face...

one should have grown numb to it already...

but i found a tear sliding down my face...

it was then that i can say that im not over alot of things...

im not over my ex... because at least, in his small ways... he made me feel that i had someone...

im not over ****... because at least, he made me feel that he would be there to catch me... eventhough i was the only one thinking about it...

just to realize the hopelesness...

just to realize that its all just me 'imagining' the whole thing...

how wonderful it is probably to wake up beside the person to whom you say 'I LOVE YOU'...

i wouldnt know...

it never really happened to me...

---

i spent most of today... eatiing...

and its driving me insane...

just thinking that every morsel i shoved down my throat adsd another pound to my weight...

its stupid to say...

i am eating out of sadness...

* points a gun to my head *

yes i know theres nothing to be sad about (read above...)

but with the hole that ive dugged...

its going to be awhile before i can say that everything is ok...

and eating is my only distraction...

going to the gym is out of the question... because even that adds weight to everything...

you know what im taking about...

---

why do we hold on to things...

to people who remind us of pain...

of hopelesness...

isnt it just simple to let go...

...

letting go... i can never seem to let go..

im like that...

all the pains...

all that i love... and loved...

the important things... no matter how much theyve hurt me...

no matter how much pain is attached there...

i just cant let go...

letting go...

its something that i know i have to work on...

getting tagged...

Got tagged by dats...

Each blogger starts with ten random facts/habits about themselves.
1. Each blogger starts with ten random facts/habits about themselves.
2. Bloggers tagged need to write on their on blog about their ten things and post the rules.
3. At the end of your blog you need to choose ten people you're going to tag and list their names.
4. Do not forget to comment on their site that they are tagged.

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- a programmer by profession; a wannabee graphics and fashion designer, and writer

- a sucess story in the battle of the bulge; weighed 255lbs before and now 180lbs

- a gym-rat; works out 5 to 6 times a week, 2 hours an a half day

- a health-nut (sorta) - on weekdays i usually have fish-fillet (or any microwaved cold-cuts), a cup of mixed-vegetable, 3 spoons of rice, a bowl of oatmeal and a bottle of fit and right for breakfast; crackers for am snacks; tuna/cheese/butter sandwich. two bananas and a bottle of fit and right for lunch; crackers for pm snacks; two bananas and a bottle of fit and right for my pre-gym snack; fish-fillet(or any microwaved cold-cuts), a cup of mixed-vegetables, 3 spoons of rice and a bowl of oatmeal for dinner; and a bottle of fit and right before going to bed...; on weekends, well thats a different story - i allow myself to enjoy my comfort foods (fast-foods, cakes, ice-cream, chips)

- and oh yeah, im addicted to fit and right; placebo effect? i dont think so... the stuff works on me

- i used to loathe the idea of clubbing... but that one trip to malate changed my perspective on the whole bar scene

- im into chinos right now... preference applies to both guys (with the additional tall, gym-fit bod) and shirts

- im in love with the colors black, orange, red and blue

- i consider myself to be a romantic, touch-feely kind of person.

- despite the big change that ive undergone in the past year, im still that insecure fat kid

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anyway, dont mean to be a KJ or anything...

but im not tagging anyone...

but to those who wanna do this... be my guest