Bryan,

Theres so many things that I would have wanted to do for our anniversary...

I had it all planned out in my head...

We'd go somewhere where we can be totally alone...

free from all the worries that we normally think about...

At night, I would have wanted us to have a romantic dinner...

Just so you could see this "other" side of me...

Then Id give you my gift...

And you would love it...

And you would kiss me...

* hay *

Its too much to hope for that now...

Seeing as how circumstances have led us here...

But I dont have any regrets as to why things didnt turn out the way that I would have wanted too...

No matter what angle you look at it, this may sound cheesy...

But what I really really find important is spending time with you... beeing with you...

Its something that we just dont have much off...

So every moment that Ive spent with you, and every moment that I will be spending with you...
are treasured memories...

Ones that I want to hold on for dear life...

Ones that will be always in my heart...

---

You know me better than anyone else...

You've seen my ups... you've seen my downs...

And I dont mind showing them all to you...

You are that ONLY ONE person to whom I shall show, not only my strength, but my weakness as well...

And for that, I have to say thank you...

for putting up with me...

for every wrong thing that I might have done...

Thank you baby, for still sticking around...

And thats what makes me Love you more...

---

Its been a year already since we met...

And I have fallen head over heels, deep in Love with you from that moment...

I never expected that someone like you will make me feel like this...

So again... thank you.

---

Weve been through alot this past year...

Sacrificed alot...

All I can say, so far, it has been worth it...

Eventhough we have hurdles in our paths...

We try to overcome them...

And I know whatever will come our way...

We can face them head on.

---

Thank you for sticking around for this long baby.

I LOVE YOU SOOO MUCH.

I knew what I was getting into..

And yet I allowed myself to go through with it...

Yes, it was stupid of me to assume...

Cant blame me...

I was just hopeful...

I guess now...

Its just right that things have to be this way...

Though theres no comfort in the thought...

I have to accept that fact...

aha!!!

got ya...

you gotta love the world wide web...

i dont know if everything was a lie...

between me and you, i can say that i have fallen deep in love with you..

maybe its just a test of what we have...

maybe its a test whether ill believe in myself, believe you or believe them...

im hoping that what they say about you are all lies...

thing is, its hard to ignore when some of them are true...

i wish that it would be you who i would be holding hands with forever...

but you make it so hard for me...

to think otherwise...

i am blinded by love...

maybe its the thought of "having someone" that keeps me hanging on...

or maybe its the the fear of being alone again...

or maybe its just that I LOVE YOU too much to let go...

i am hurt...

to think that what they say about you might be true...

---

i checked on you to see something new...

what i found made me sad...

i was hoping that whatever i am going through, the decisions that im about to make...

i would see you at the end...

maybe i just expected to see you there...

you make resisting you so hard...

i tried to convince myself that we are just but friends...

but breathing the same air you breath everyday makes it hard to think that...

i wished that i met you earlier...

but i guess even that would make everything useless...

because i know you're not like me...

now, i try to convince myself more that what we have is just friendship and nothing else...

i try. . .

but im failing miserably...

i expected at my own assumptions... knowing the fact that you are probably not like me....

im trying. . .

but i find it so hard to let my brain take over my feelings...

---

there is just too much going on inside my head and my heart...

i wished that i knew how to tackle each of them...

im scared... as always i am...

funny how you turn the tables around...

i want to cry...

theres just a lot of things on my mind...

my parents bashing my "undefined" lifestyle...

my bf's sincerity...

my "complicated" outlook towards a guy friend...

my situation in general...

it just seems now that everything is stacked on top of each other...

i know that ive placed myself in a situation that im having a hard time to dig myself out of...

this is one of those times when i just want to disappear...

i want things to change...

but i cant...

i cant... because im afraid...

im afraid because im not sure of what MY future will bring...

---

sometimes i second-guess myself...

sometimes i wished that I wasnt gay... harsh fact of reality, i never was good for any girl...

now that im gay... i think im still not good for any guy...

i never was good for anyone...

---

i cant please my parents...

a couple of weeks ago, i found it funny to think that my parents were lecturing me on eating too much a year ago... and now they lecture me about not eating that much and that i "devote" most of my after-work hours in the gym...

theres just no pleasing them...

i hate my parents...

---

i want to disappear...

i want to go somewhere where no one knows me...

---

i miss my old self...

i want to be that person who didnt care what everyone thought about him...

i want to be that person who never cared for emotions... never cared for falling in love...

---

* i need a shoulder to cry on *

i cant cry on anyone else's shoulder but yours...

thing is, you're not here...

how i wish you were here...

Could this day not get any longer?

It seems as if a whole day has passed me since 5pm until now.

Maybe its the waiting... the hoping that he'll reply to my tons and tons of messages...

* sigh * love... really really drives you crazy... hahahaa

---

So... after my quick shower, I went online to check up on some things...

Initially I only planned to check my mails, set stuff up for downloading over night, check up my bloggie, friendster and myspace accounts...

a good two hours has past and im still online... crap... lure of the information highway... just couldnt resist...

In those two hours, I found myself blog-hopping... read stuff here, find something interesting there, blog hop there...
and its interesting to note that most bloggers are consistent in how and what they write about...

which led me to conclude that im such a schizo... can you try making the connection?

looking at how and what i write in my blog makes it appear i have a couple of "me" inside me...

its just that, i say one thing on one post, and i say the opposite on another...

not really weird for me, but when you look at it from a different angle... it comes off as down-right strange...

i know im a complicated person (and this is not to note the ehrm... obvious factor that determines my "complicated-ness" )... i have a lot of layers...

but am i schizo?

do you think i need help? counseling maybe?

the thought has been in my head since college... about me getting on the psychiatrists' chair to be psycho-analyzed...

looks fun... to just share with someone "everything"... all the rants, the raves... simply everything...

and at the end of each session... you're going to get assessed...

i could definitely hear my psychiatrist say... "Mr. Villamil, you have a case of schizophrenia..."

hahaha...

i think im schizo...

would you like to meet my "friend"?

hehehe...

Theres just too much for me to write about.

If youre going to take a peek in my head, its actually like a file-folder with mixed documents on it.

Sheesh... now even my analogies suck... crap.

So this will be just for last week... 7 days, and this is all of it.

7 crazy, weird days.

---

Anyway, where do I begin.

Hmm...

Well, last week... me and my boyfriend got caught by his mother through his phone.
She got wind on one my text and that was when all hell broke loose.

I was really at odds as to thinking whether it was my fault or not.

"Had I not texted him, we wouldnt have been caught", was my thought.
It seemed wrong to others for me to think that... and it got me thinking that I probably didnt have
any fault in the situation.

But I was so much worried about it. Paranoia sets in.

What if his parents decide to take him away from me? or worse...

What if he decides to break it up with me?

Sunday, I received a text from him asking to meet up with him after work in Greenbelt.

I was ecstatic... happy that my paranoia was proved wrong.

We met monday evening... and as expected, he blamed me for the whole thing. Normally, I would go "ape" on anyone who blames me for something I did not do.

But with him, I cant find myself to get angry.

Honestly, its pathetic of me to be like that.

But, I have this fear that If i do something wrong (well, that is an understatement, cause I have done "something" before), I might lose him.

And frankly, Im scared to go back to being single.

Pathetic... yeah I know... I really am.

Anyway, going back... I found out that instead of confronting his parents he did what any 28-year old committed "straight" guy would do * hint of sarcasm *...

he "ran" away from home... very mature.

And yet, I somehow understand why he did that.

So, as he told me... he's stayed with his "ex-gf". Great right? At first thought, "Why there?"

Thing is I trust him enough for me to think that nothing will happen between them.

We got around to talk about how we're going to go through this... and I for one didnt have any suggestions on how.

I mean, I think my Mom and Dad knows about my "lifestyle". Its just that I havent formally come out to them.

And as long as Im happy. The fact that I have a boyfriend doesnt bother that much. (Well these are all assumptions... we'll see when the time comes I come out to them)

So my brilliant boyfriend came up with the plan to lie-low for awhile...

He wanted his parents to miss him enough for them to not be "angry" with him anymore.

Sounds like a nice plan. I would have considered it too. Then again, Im the type of person who craves for confrontation... that easily gets the issues all out... unresolved, yet at least its out in the open.

So everything was clearead up... or at least it appeared to be cleaned up.

The next time we got to meet was Friday.

This was a totally different day.

You see, the following Monday was our 11th Monthsary.

And we decided to celebrate it last Friday.

So for something different, I asked him a favor... if he could fetch me at the gym after my workout (sounds too girly? not really... sweet more likely). He promptly said yes.

So come Friday, I was excpecting to see him appear on the 8th floor lobby of my gym.

7PM... 730PM... 800PM.... none.

Then I received a text from him. Saying that he went straight to GB3, and thats where we'll meet up.

I was bummed out. But hey, what can I do right?

So me, Pam and Rica proceeded to do our cool-down-stretches.

Then I got another text from him... "Beh, where are you? Im in Starbucks now, beside your building. Will wait for you here ok?".

Frantically, I asked Pam and Rica to hurry up in the locker rooms so that they could meet him.

I was out and ready within 10-15 minutes. The girls took a bit longer (hehehe).

So... a few more minutes, we were in front of Starbucks (Insular).

Saw him sitting on the lounge chair near the window. He looks sooo cute * blush *.

Got in, introduced him to Rica and Pam.

Quite akward at first, because as far as he knows, only my close-barkada know that he's my boyfriend and he's uncomfortable with the fact that people know... sad? Yeah I know...

Me and Bryan left Pam and Rica at Starbucks... and off we went to Greenbelt. We were set to watch "Transformers".

I was craving for Japanese-y food. Since Bryan didnt like to eat at Terriyaki Boy, I opted to eat at Tokyo-Tokyo (not classy... but it fills my craving). Now this was the start of my 6-day food binge. I just snapped back to reality yesterday. And today, Im back to food-journal-ing. Need to lose the 5 lbs I I gained on that food binge. Crap.

The movie started at 9:45PM... we were there 30 minutes earlier, so we could catch some trailers first. So talking... I said something that offended him. He was bummed out because of what I said. Its just a great thing that my boyfriend is understanding and forgiving. Although it was quite hard watching the movie because I kept on thinking about what happened.

By the way... the movie was soooooo effin-great. Its a definite must-see-again (...and-again, and-again...). Though it deviated a bit away from the classic. The movie was done flawlessly. The balance of comedic-scenes, serious-toned-scenes, fight-sequences were perfect. The CGI was great, cut to perfection. What can I say... Lucas' Industrial Light & Magic were behind the movies CGI... that alone was a great move on the movies productiont team.

I found Shia sooooo appealing. Im starting to have a movie-crush on him. Really really never expected that kid from Even-Stevens to be this good in acting (and he grew up well too, hmm I wonder... * insert naughty thoughts here *). In addition, seeing him in interviews, he appears very very down to earth.

Took a taxi home after the movie. Just got to say that I missed our taxi-rides. Though we had a driver there, for me, it was a safe place to ehrm... be cuddly. To my surprise, my boyfriend was very responsive too, which is a good thing.

Our friday night date was just special. These are the times when I wish that I dont do the things I do behind my boyfriends back... these are the times when Im reminded of why I fell for him.

---

On a different note.

This might seem strange... weird... and maybe even "evil" to some of you. But after talking about my boyfriend, my blog entry wouldnt be complete without talking about... ehrm... "someone".

Now, Ill try to be as subtle as I can be. And I just dont want a particular someone "attacking" me over something that actually happened.

Yes, you read that right... Ive been quiet about it for some time now... its just that the last few post, I felt that you were attacking me... and I really dont know why? I want to say something about it... but I want you to know that Im going to be the bigger person... and I wont... not unless provoked...

So...

After that "stupid" thing I did with him. I thought I ruined whatever friendship we had.

Turns out that everything was ok. Though we didnt get to talk that much the week after that.

And maybe I thought that I didnt ruin our friendship, but he's now keeping a good distance away from me because of what happened.

The monday after that weekend, we got around to talking. Said my thanks for his bearing with my crazy self.

He was asking all about what happened that Saturday. Told him it was a long story and that it would take too much of his time... If I could gyming on Saturday, then Ill probably tell it you by then.

He insisted to know just a bit. So I told him a jist. And he got it, saying "Ah... so its about someone... not something.".

So I let him on it a bit more... told him that its about me and my boyfriend. You could see on his face that he was a bit "surprised".

Guess he never had a clue that I had an... ehrm... particular lifestyle.

Friday. Me and my boyfriend went out.

While watching the movie, I got several texts from him. His first text said, "Can I ask you a favor? Gym ka tom. Help me naman." To which I really found weird. Then all the feelings about him came back. I was hopeful again.

But the following text bummed me out. He was actually asking if I can do some favor regarding his quota. Yeah you read right. It appeared to me that Pam and MystiqueGirl was right. Proabably he was just being super friendly and that he wanted to "lure" me to get him as my PT.

Thing is, Im already biased... and I dont see people taking advantage of me. So I took it as just a favor and nothing else. But I was with my boyfriend that time when he was texting. So I coulnt entertain him that much.

Texted him when I got home. Told him that I would be dropping by the gym Saturday afternoon after work (had to finish some stuff... crappy? I know) and that we should talk about what he was asking.

I honestly couldnt sleep that night. For one I had a bf-hangover (the instance where you keep on replaying everything that had happpened with your bf for the past hours), and that his text bothered me.

I was bothered by the fact that he saw me as a potential client and not as a friend. That really bummed me out.

I think I slept around 3AM that day.

Woke up at 8Am.

Hurriedly took a bath, packed my things, had my breakfast and went to work.

By the way, working on a Saturday was really fruitful. I was able to do alot of stuff.

So... the hours went by. 10AM... 11AM... and before I knew it, it was 2PM already.

I fixed my table, and headed straight for the gym.

As I was walking, I kept on thinking if all this time he was just toying with me.

As much as I dont want to think that, all circumstances point to that.

Gym.

First stop, treadmill (as usual). Saw him in the resistance area watching tv (Saturday at the gym is a slow day...).

A few minutes later, I saw a figure walk behind me, and proceeded to stay at the treadmill to my right.

Greeted him. Talked about the movie I watched last night. Blah blah blah...

I couldnt hold it any longer. So I asked...

Me : What was that all about last night?

Him : Ah yun? Ah wala na yun... ok na.

Me : 'di ka nakaabot ng quota no? (Which to me is hard for me to believe coz he's been working like shit for the past month)

He goes about explaining how it wasnt exactly for him, but for a co-FI. Said he gave some of his to this co-FI coz he found out that he had some "extra".

I didnt go on to ask more questions about it. I just let it go.

But it weirded me out.

On top of the pile of unanswered questions, he had to add more to it.

* great *

I mean, the week after the texting-incident, I was always saying to myself that "It wouldnt happen. He's straight and probably I was just dellusional about the whole him-liking-me thing. We're better off as friends. Blah blah blah.".

And now he does that?

* great *

I have to admit, I have started to have feelings for him despite me having a boyfriend, the warnings, the posts, the situation Im in... I know that... but its just that I get weak in the knees when a guy is very nice to me and appears interested. The physical-attributes didnt hurt either. So who wouldnt fall for someone like that.

Yes I have boyfriend. Thats a different story all on its own. Dont mean to use this as a justification of my actions... but this guy gives me a different kind of attention than my boyfriend.

And yes... it feels good.

Bad as it may sound, it does.

During my initial treadmill run, we got around to talk about my issues with my boyfriend, with people in the gym....
and during our conversation, I found out a couple of strong opinions about his view on my particular lifestyle.

Him : Dont want to say it. Kasi baka maoffend kita?

Me : Come on say it. Ive been called by every name in the book (ehrm long story here). Its ok, come on... shoot.

Him : Kasi... di sya normal.

Me : Well yeah of course. Di naman talaga normal eh. Who says it was? Kaya nga as much as possible I encourage Bryan to do normal couple stuff with me.

Now this part of the conversation is quite vauge. It the as-far-as-I-remember-the-lines-are conversation...

Me : Kaw ba? I mean are gay relationships ok?

Him : I dont know really... * breaks off into a laughing smile *

Well... so after my treadmill we parted ways... I did my resistance set.

After 45 minutes, I went back to do my last cardio set.

A couple of minutes again, I found myself talking to him again.

Me : So kelan ka nood Transformers?

Him : Tonight. May nagaya sa akin.

Me : Ah... ganon ba... where?

Him : G4 lang.

Me : Ah... so baka makita kita later. Will be hanging out around Ayala later. Dont want to go home pa.

Him : Sino kasama mo?

Me : Ako lang. We already went out yesterday eh.

Him : Ah... * smiles *

Now I know what you might be probably thinking. Im giving "meaning" to everything that he does.

Sorry I just cant help it. Until I learn the truth, this is how I am going to interpret his actions.

After my set, I bid him farewell and told him to enjoy the movie.

Went malling after gym, but I was too tired to stay for a longer time. So at 7Pm, I went home.

On the way home, I texted him saying "Hey... Enjoy the movie na lang tonight. =)".

Stupid, right? Yeah I shouldnt have texted him.

But theres this part of me that was hoping that he would text me and ask where Im at. So in order for me to just appear friendly... I texted him that.

* sigh *

The whole thing with him kept me thinking the whole night.

So far, all my questions about him have remained unanswered.

Am I patient enough to keep myself from doing something stupid?

Well I hope so.

But seeing and talking to him everyday is killing me.

Its driving me insane.

* sigh *