"Everyone has to grow up eventually, but it's always sad when they forget how to have fun."
Lately... it just seems that everyone you knew when you were growing up, from your elementary years, to your high-school years... to your college years...
it feels like everyone has grown up...
many of them still know how to have fun...
but most have crossed over to the im-mature-i-need-to-be-serious kind of life...
and it frankly sucks...
im hoping i dont turn into one of them...
because no matter how old i become...
deep inside, i know im just a kid
Sunday, June 24, 2007
I expected that my Saturday would be spent cuddling at home with my boyfriend, devoid of the distractions that the past weeks at work and at gym had given me.
I expected the familiarity of his arms around me... warm and sincere.
I just never thought that I would have fucked everything up in one single day.
---
Around 10:45 AM. Waiting for my boyfriend. Surfing. Watching tv. I recieved a text from him. The message read - "Can you please call.". Knowing that this sort of message sends a serious undertone, without hesitation, I called him.
2-rings, 3-rings... still no answer... a couple of rings more... he picked up the phone.
I expected his voice... his deep. I-just-woke-up voice.
But a familiar (and unwanted) voice answered... his Mom (to which apparently has his phone... why? that I dont really know).
BF's Mom : Hello. Sino po ito?
Me : Uhm... si bryan po? BF's Mom : Ah... kasi tulog pa sya eh...
Me : (with fear and hesitation) Ganon po ba... paki-sabi na lang po na magtext or tumawag sya pagkagising nya.
BF's Mom : Sige. Sasabihin ko.
Me : Ay thank you po. Hintay ko na lang po un.
BF's Mom : Sige.
Me : Salamat po. Goodbye.
After that, she dropped the phone. I was still in shock.
The last time his Mom called, she was frantic... angry... infuriated.
This time was different. She was calm and was easy to talk to.
Right at the moment after dropping the phone, I felt uneasy. My heart kept skipping a beat (and I dont mean the nice kind). I wanted to text back, but I thought that my bf's phone was still with her. So I decided to wait.
A couple of hours after. I received a text from him (or so I thought was from him).
The message read,
"Beh? May lagnat si brian, may pilay... leave my son its a mortal sin na pumatol sa kapwa niya lalake. ang lalake ay para sa babae lamang. paglabanan nyo ng panalangin. huwag mong idamay ang anak ko."
I didnt reply. Really didnt know what to say.
I dropped my phone. Thinking of whats going to happen next.
Then she texted again,
"Layuan mo na anak ko. huwag kaya magpasakop sa demonyo. maawa ka sa anako ko. taga saan ka ba? ilang taong gulang ka na? i want to talk to your parents and to you as well. ill pray over you and give you biblical advice."
At first I felt angry after reading the text.
Angry that some people are still narrow-minded about homosexuality.
Angry how some people are hypocrites, preaching God's word... and yet they're discriminating.
I wanted to text back... wanted to say that "Ill meet up with you, saan mo gusto? And please leave my parents out of this, its my decision to be gay... not theirs...".
But I didnt. I ended up crying. Asking why.
Its so fucked up... because ever since yesterday... I havent gotten a text from my boyfriend.
Im worried about him. Im worried about us. Im scared.
Its been just a day. And yet I feel like its been soooo long.
---
After recieving the last text. I texted a friend.
I wanted to just text / talk with someone familiar just so the thought would be somehow diverted somewhere else.
Me and this friend texted back and forth. I sensed from his replies that he was sincere and was concerned about my problem.
I couldnt tell him over texting. I wanted to tell him face-to-face. So it ended up with me having plans to go to where he was at around 5PM.
Thing was, he was at work at that time and if I went there... I might get him into to trouble... plus if I went there to just talk to him, it would arouse suspicions.
I texted him,
Me : Hey. Isnt your shift until 8PM? I might disturb you and get you into trouble with your boss... hmmm if your free after work, then later na lang thats if wala ka gimik?
Guy Friend : Ah saan pupunta?
Me : Dito lang. Greenbelt or Glorietta.
Guy : Need to go home agad kasi...
Me : Ah ganon ba. Sige sorry if i disturbed you. Anyway if you change your mind just text me. Im still with Pam panaman. Naglilibot pa kami and baka maghangout lang ko d2. =)
Guy : Okey lang =) try ko
Didnt get a reply after that.
I know how it sounds. But I seriouslly wasnt asking him out on a date. That wasnt my intention. I just wanted to talk to someone, and find out some stuff.
Now Im scared. I think that I fucked my friendship with this guy.
I feel the need to apologize for my actions. Ive been apologetic lately... and I dont really know why. But I just feel that I need to apologize.
---
Im lost. And I really dont what to do. What to think. I need to keep myself pre-occupied. But that seems to make me think about the stupid things that Ive done yesterday.
Waiting sucks.
Im scared. ... ...
Saturday, June 23, 2007
Somebody should really help me burn my credit card.
Someone please...
---
Sunday. I was really trying to resist getting an iPod. I spent the whole day distracting myself trying to get my mind off it. But itchy feet and the uncontrallable urge to splurge got the worst of me.
At around 7PM, me and Ge went around to check which stores sold the cheapest black 80 GB iPod. One store was selling it for Php 20,999.00, which comes free with a (generic) power adaptor, to which I didnt really need... I still got my original apple power adaptor at home... * sigh * (long story). The price was a bit high as to what Ive seen in other stores the weeke before, so we decided to scower around again.
While scowering around, I saw this Logitech FreePulse Bluetooth Stereo Headsets. Now we all know how much of a sucker I am when it comes to wireless headsets. From the looks of it, it appeared more "sturdier" (is there such a word) and lighter from the previous Logitech Bluetooth Headset I have.
Anwway, going back... But hey its so worth it.
By the way, the Logitech FreePulse that I was talking about. Well, it took me a good four days to think about it. After four days of listening to music with wires again... all I can say its so uncomfortable.
So we went to PodCentral / mobileOne. Here the Black 80 GB iPod cost around, Php 18,000.00 (Php 3,000.00 less from what the other stores priced it). So with little, actually... with NO hesitation, I pryed open my wallet, took out my credit card... and gave it to the sales person. In no less than 20 minutes, I had (without conscience and little hesitation) my second iPod... to which I was naming daemonPod.
Thats how little my conscience is when it comes to purchasing techie-stuff.
I feel pity for the state my wallet will be in for the coming months.
So yesterday, without conscience and little hesitation, I purchased the headphones. Got to test it at the gym too. All I can say... my daemonPod and FreePulse... * hay * a match made in heaven.
--
Sidenote :
With all the purchases I made this week, I feel guilty...
Guilty but happy...
Hahahahaha...
Monday, June 18, 2007
been putting of writing, i mean actually writing for some time now...
lately, it has become something that over-exposes me...
now i dont really have a problem with showing the whole world who i am.
its just that there has been certain events that make me think that probably, this is somewhat backfiring.
i dont know really... im just sad that maybe because of what ive written here, ive lost someone...
i mean im really ok with the fact that this person isnt exactly what i thought that person would be... and i was really really (though slowly) accepting it...
thing is, there has been changes already...
what was once a normal everyday thing, would be a rare occurence now...
but i dont really know if thats the case...
i would rather have this person as a friend... rather than to not have this person be my friend at all...
if ever that person gets to read this...
im sorry.
sorry for crossing over a line.
sorry for lying, i should have told you what i am so that this thing wouldnt have happened...
it saddens me that things between us cant be as normal as it used to be...
* sigh *
by the way,
thank you for making me smile all the time...
thank you for making me feel that i have a friend...
thank you...
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
I sooo love this song... and recently it has become a very relatable song... * sigh *
Because Of You Ne-Yo
Verse 1 Want to, but I can't help it I love the way you feel just kinda stuck between my fantasy and what is real I need it when I want it I want it when I don't tell myself "I'll stop" every day knowing that I won't
(Bridge) I got a problem and I don't know what to do about it even If I didn't I don't know If I would quit but I doubt it, I’m takin' by the thought of it
[Chorus] And I know this much is true baby you have become my addiction I’m so strung out on you I can barely move but I'm likin' it and it's all because of you all because of you and it's all because of you all because of you and it's all because of you all because of you and it's all because never get enough she’s the sweetest drug
(Verse 2) think of it every second I can't get nothing done only concern is the next time I’m gon get me some know I should stay away from cause its no good for me I try and try but my obsession wont let me leave
(Bridge) I got a problem and I don't know what to do about it even If I did I don't know If I would quit but I doubt it, I’m taking by the thought of it
[Chorus] And I know this much is true baby you have become my addiction I am so strung out on you I can barely move but I'm likin' it and it's all because of you all because of you and it's all because of you all because of you and it's all because of you all because of you and it's all because of you never get enough shes the sweetest drug ain't no doubt so strung out ain't no doubt so strung out over you over you because of you and it's all because of you never get enough she's the sweetest drug she's the sweetest drug
State Three (3) Reasons Why It Feels Great To Be Pinoy...
first of all I got to say this... it might sound bad to some, but this is who I am... Im not a big fan of being pinoy... but there are aspects of being a pinoy that makes me feel great... 3. Pinoys are unbelievably talented. For a small country, there is a huge number of pinoys who are gifted in more ways than one. And slowly, you can see Pinoy talent conquering the world.
2. Pinoys have the warmest smile. I guess its true, the Filipino spirit is really resilient... nothing can ever break us down... the world gives us problems, and we answer back with a smile.
1. Pinoys are the mix of whats best in the world. I feel that our culture is a combination of different cultures (which is technically true). We have that certain distinction and it makes us unique in alot of ways.
=)
Anyway... got to get back to work...
Uhm... lemme get back to who Im gonna tag...
Sunday, June 03, 2007
Eventful.
The word I would use to describe my weekend... well not really the whole weekend... just my Saturday.
It started very very early. I woke up at around 530 AM.
Couldnt really sleep. Had a lot on my mind.
Was thinking about my boyfriend and how long (relatively) we've been together.
But also, I was thinking about... someone else.
---
Anyway, Bryan arrived at around 1030 AM. Once we got into my room, he gave me a tight hug (seems like he's been giving me alot of these lately) and a kiss.
We spent the whole day... well ehrm... cuddling... =)
His being "extra" cuddly that day was a good thing. At least, now... he's exerting effort on that part of our relationship.
But I could not get the thought of his being "extra" cuddly that day was because it was our 10th monthsary together.
I mean, there were a lot of oppurtunities wherein he could be that cuddly before... why now?
I feel as if, the whole act was out of obligation, was un-natural, it seemed "cold". Its either that or he was just really in the mood.
But yeah, it felt good.
To be that close to him, its something that I always yearn for.
The time that we had that day, made me smile...
but it also left me with some questions unanswered...
which makes me doubt about us...
which makes me "look" somewhere else.
Dont get me wrong. I wouldnt really classify myself as a "cheater" (although some I know would disagree).
But... would I stray away, would I doubt... if I was contented with what we have?
I know its not an excuse... but try to put yourselves in my shoe... wouldnt you do the same?
It pains me to have doubts about our relationship... because I really love Bryan...
* sigh *
Bryan left at around 330 PM. Was really bummed to see him leave because I wanted to introduce him to my friends (yes, we're 10 months in the relationship and he still hasnt met any of my friends) over dinner. But as usual, he needed to go home because his mom was looking for him already (at 28... yeah he still answers to his mom).
Moving on.
So all alone in my room again... fixing the mess that we made... recalling the time I had with Bryan.
I then decided to call Pam, who was suppose to have a PT session with Pio.
So I called.
As far as I can remember, our converstion went like this...
Me : Hey pam. You at the gym?
Pam : Yeah, Im with Faith right now. We just finished one class. Were going to do another one. Just taking a breather for awhile.
Me : - narrates my day with Bryan - Ehrm... is he there?
Pam : Yeah. He was looking for you awhile ago. Uhm, Faith wants to talk to you.
Faith : Hey... you're not going gyming?
Me : Nope. Im kinda tired, boyfriend spent the morning here... hehehehe...
Faith : ooohhhh what did you do?
Me : Ehrm... just stuff... hahaha
Faith : Sige Im giving the phone to Pam.
So I chatted with Pam a bit. In the middle of our conversation, I noticed Pam became pre-occupied, but she was still listening... then she said "wait a minute...", then I heard a male voice...
Tall-J : Hello...
Me : (with hesitation) Hello... ehrm... Tall-J?
Tall-J : Yeah... ehrm... miss na kita... youre not going gyming?
Me : (shocked, bewildered, totally caught off gaurd) Ehrm... nope, kinda tired... ehrm... What did you say before that? Are you just saying what theyre telling you to say?
Tall-J : Uhm... no...
He then proceeds to give the phone back to Pam.
Me : (in a semi-high pitched voice) Pam... did he just say what I thought he just said?
Pam : Yeah... i was drinking water when he said that... couldnt help it... i laughed and went out of the room...
Me : Oh my god... was he joking? Are you guys coercing him to say that?
Pam : Noooo...
Me : (already blushing... feeling giddy) oh my god (repated a number of times)...
Pam : * bursting into laugher *
Me : Pam... "ganito" Ill be going there later... Im going to fetch you there and we'll go together to Glorietta after... my god.. I feel the "need" to see him... waaaaahhh... hahahaha
Pam : hahaha... ok ok... got that..
Our conversation was a bit loud... good thing that I was the only one in the room...
After dropping the phone. I still cant believe that he said that. His voice was still ringing in my head... replaying what he said over and over.
I'm not suppose to feel this way about Tall-J... but I'am...
Couldnt help the fact that I like this guy.
But then again... Im committed.
* pota *
Makes me really think if he's straight or if he's just joking around (to which I can be totally cool with; will be disappointed though...)
I cant make that assumption... but apparently I am...
I have this assumption that this guy probably likes me...
Hopefully in a romantic-crush kinda sense (I mean come on, who am I kidding)...
My gaydar is not really that developed... I mean, physical signs are a total give away... but with Tall-J... you cant see any physical manifestations...
So (anyone) what do you think about Tall-J?
Do you think he likes me? Or is he just joking around / "nakiksakay"?
Arrrggghhh... guys (my boyfriend, included) are driving me nuts...
---
Hmmm... this entry is getting a bit long... might have to do it in two parts (yes... this is how eventful Saturday was)...
Anyway... just to give you a heads up...
Around 545 PM I dropped by the gym to fetch Pam... and I had a very nice encounter with Tall-J... to which Ill go into details on the next entry...
Also, that evening, me and four of my friends went out for dinner... had a lot to talk about... to which Ill go into details on the next entry too...
Gotta go sleep already... its already 1150 PM and its a work-day tom.
* sighs and does a Garfield *
I really hate Mondays...
Saturday, June 02, 2007
530AM. Saturday.
Woke up early. Couldnt sleep anymore.
There is just too many things that are planned for today.
First, its our 1oth month together. Bryan called me up, saying that he'll be the one going to my place instead of me going to the hospital.
Second, me, Eya, Pam, Rica, Ge and Carlo are meeting up for dinner later.
Third, Im still toying with the idea of going to the gym. I have this yearning to see and talk with Tall-J.
--- Will right about those stuff later... For now, something Im gonna do something different...
I turned on the tv early today. Channel surfed for awhile till I saw that "The House of Carters" was on.
Quick run-through, "The House of Carters" is a reality-based show featuring Nick Carter, Aaron Carter and their three sisters. They are to live together in one house after years of living away from each other.
Anyway...
The episode today was all about them meeting up with their dad. Who apparently is separated from their mom and has a younger wife (22 years younger than him to be exact).
This type of show isnt your typical, Seventh Heaven-moral lesson filled-at the end of the story kinda show... but there was one thing that really affected me...
They invited their dad to have lunch with them... their dad arrives and everyones quite thrilled...
The scene where Dad Carter entered Aarons room. Aaron, for his age, was being cuddly to his dad... like a puppy.
Which got me thinking... I wish I was like that with my Mom and Dad.
Thing is, in our family, we're not really expressive.
We dont say I love you's.
We dont hug each other.
We dont greet each other.
I feel that I cant even shed a tear for them.
We're not typical, then again which family is.
There is no standard for a normal family... even the normal of the normal families are considered to be too "Stepford-y".
But yeah, I do yearn for that kind of family.
Expressive.
Involved.
Understanding.
Forgiving.
These are some of the things that I wish for.
Cant change that now. Apparenly you cant teach an old dog (or for this matter - dogs) new tricks.
Explains alot about my attitude... my personality.
* sigh *
Sorry for being extra emo...
---
Still waiting for my boyfriend... was supposed to be here an hour ago... Late as usual...
